I’m the Humblest Person I Know

I’m being ironic of course.  I just wanted a provocative lead in to talk about pride, particularly self-righteous pride.  Oh la la in my drinking days self-righteous pride got me into a heap of trouble. I could justify just about anything: his fault, her fault, my job’s fault.  I’m ok. You’re not okay.

Self-righteous pride for me was  a protection against feeling bad about myself, because frankly, I felt really bad about myself most of the time.  I couldn’t have other people putting me down too!  I seemed to have inherited a hyper-sensitivity to criticism, although I was quite as jumpy about it as my father was.

This was a way of living that was painful and not at all a way I wanted to live in sobriety.

I sometimes recall the embarassing things I said and did in defense of myself – trying to prove to others I was worthy.  Still makes me cringe.

Why was I so invested in others thinking I’m worthy?  Why do I still sometimes have fears about being considered unworthy?

Long gone are the days when my heart would palpitate if I thought anyone was criticizing me, but there still is that little something in the back of my brain that questions my worthiness on occasion.  I’ve really come to think of it has healthy doubt most of the time – doubt helps us examine our lives and adjust when we aren’t living well.  However, there are times when it becomes self-defeating.

That’s when I use the STOP.  The STOP is the voice in my head that puts the brakes on any spiraling thought process that isn’t going to go anywhere – a thought process that is negative and depressing.

The STOP works well for those messages I learned as a young child that kept me in patterns that weren’t healthy.  Some examples of those thoughts?

“Things like that ALWAYS happen to me.”  (ALWAYS? Really?  Are you sure they ALWAYS happen to you? So nothing good has ever happened to you? Uhhh…well, no. OK then. STOP.)

“Nobody  understands what I’m going through. I’m all alone.”  (NObody?  I mean, not one person on this earth has ever experienced these feelings or events and you have been singled out – one of millions and millions of people to be the only one who ever experienced this?  Uhhh..no again. OK then. STOP.)

Now I don’t want to give the impression I have crazy conversations in my head all the time ;0-)

However, I do fall back into those woe-is-me patterns sometimes, and the STOP works really well.

My favorite