I have come to believe that alcoholics tend to be lonely people. I can be in a room full of people and still feel utterly alone. This can be disconcerting. It brings up that feeling of “other” that is deadly for alcoholics. You know, terminal uniqueness.

Meetings are a great place to break the feeling of loneliness, and I believe finding that community of like-minded people is critical to recovery. However, I also believe that sometimes the issue is not loneliness so much as an unwillingness to be alone: I don’t want to be with myself and just myself.

That in itself is something I consider a character defect. I have struggled over the years with isolation and loneliness, but I have also struggled with the ability to sit quietly and hear my own thoughts.

I remember some years ago it struck me as I was listening to a neighbor’s incredibly loud music for the umpteenth time in a row, “There’s someone who doesn’t want to hear his own thoughts.”

I think that’s the issue that I try to overcome: sometimes I need to listen to my own thoughts. Sometimes I need to be kind to myself and understand I’m not perfect.  Not wanting to be alone but feeling alone when I’m not alone (confused yet?) are all part of the same pathology. I was raised not to like myself very much.

The risk in this attitude is that I will be too hard on myself and feel like there isn’t much point in improving my character. Why bother if I’m inconsequential?  I think I’ve repeated this theme over and over: balance.  I can’t be overly focused on myself or obsess about my thoughts, but I also can’t be so disconnected that I’m not really aware of who I really am.  I can’t think I am somehow uniquely suffering (wallowing doesn’t work), but I also can’t ignore real feelings and internal conflicts.

It really does all come down to balance.

Anyone who has been around people in 12 step recovery knows the next two: Lonely, Tired…

I think lonely is particularly important because feeling lonely leads to feeling sorry for yourself and we all know feeling sorry for yourself leads to all sorts of bad ideas.

But loneliness is not necessarily how many people you know or how many friends you have.  You know that feeling when you are in a room full of people, many whom know and love you, but you just feel utterly alone?  Not a good place to be.

I think there are some ways to avoid this trap, but primarily it’s got to be some sort  of personal repudiation of the idea that you are “terminally unique.”  Some people get all bent out of shape with this concept: of course you’re unique. No two people are exactly alike. What makes you unique is not the problem; it’s when you think you are the only person in the world who feels something in particular – the ONLY one who ever had this much psychic pain (blah blah blah) – that “terminal” uniqueness is, well, dangerous.

Clinging to the belief that your pain is unique isn’t helpful. It doesn’t ease the pain. It doesn’t fix the problems that might be causing the pain.  It’s self-indulgent if anything.  And when you believe you are the only one – it’s only natural to feel lonely.

Connecting with other people and hearing that your story is not all that unique does not take away from your very real issues and struggles – it just reminds you that you are part of the human race, and just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village of sober people to help you stay sober.