Sometimes we forget that honesty is not just about how ethically we deal with others by not deceiving them, it’s also about not deceiving ourselves.  Self-deception plants the seeds for relapse because it allows us to ignore real problems in favor of our little self-lie.  There are so many ways we can lie to ourselves without really recognizing it, although on some level we know when we are doing it.  There is a feeling of discomfort. If we aren’t willing to be honest with ourselves, we ignore or push aside that discomfort. If we do it enough, we risk relapsing because we want the alcohol  or drug to take care of the discomfort.

Sometimes it’s a good practice to simple ask yourself: Is that really true?  This question can also help us get out of self-destructive thought loops.

For example,  something bad happens and our first thought is, “Bad things always happen to me.”  First response: “Is that really true?”  Maybe your first impulse is to scream in your head: “YES! It’s true! It’s so true!”  And you scream loud because you want to block out the voice of reason that’s whispering, “Dude, that’s not really true. A bunch of good things happened to you this year.”

So we need to really ask the question with the intent of answering honestly: “Is that really true?”

Hmmm…just last month I found out my daughter got an A in math after months of struggling.  My husband got a raise.  I got to visit my best friend from college after not seeing her for five years.  I had an awesome dinner with a few friends.  My boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time.  I avoided a car accident that could have been really bad.  I made it past all the cuts at my company and still have a job.  My dog seemed sick and it turned out it was nothing serious.   And on and on and on.

Depression is a natural result of the type of thinking that puts “Always” at the beginning.  Who wouldn’t be depressed if that “ALWAYS” happened to them.  The truth is, it doesn’t always happen, and making that honest assessment can go a long way toward easing your frustration.

One of the things I have noticed through the years has been the way certain ways of acting can trigger very old patterns of behavior. For example, bad choices in relationships or doing something that isn’t 100% on the up and up – it’s like a little warning bell gets set off.  When I was drinking I felt pretty darn comfortable lying to protect my addiction. As far as my brain was concerned, it was about surviving. I couldn’t imagine life without some chemical to change how I feel.  But in sobriety, lying is really uncomfortable. Even little white lies.

This doesn’t mean I let everything fly out of my mouth unfiltered (face it, some people don’t want to hear the truth), but it does mean that I don’t consciously make a decision to deceive anyone to protect a behavior I know isn’t healthy.  Honesty can be a very freeing thing – it lets you be you, after years or decades of trying to be something else. Maybe you know what I mean – times when you feel like you have to protect your ego (sometimes thought of as your reputation). It might not have been outright lies, but smoke and mirrors. The underlying motivator for me was a fear of seeming less-than, as if life were some sort of a contest of with me against the rest of the human race. Somehow I lived with the idea that I just wouldn’t measure up.  I can blame it on critical parents or just being a little weird as a kid, but as an adult, I have a choice to make. I can either accept who I am and the fact I’m a human being and not perfect, or I can spend a lot of energy protecting my ego, my reputation, and living in fear of being “revealed.”