When we’re in recovery from addiction, one thing is certain: We remember our darkness. While it’s true that we’re advised not to live in the past, and this is certainly a recommendation to take to heart and abide by, it’s also true that there’s value in recognizing that darkness. The reason for this is that by knowing our own darkness, we can instantly identify it when we see it in others, as well as when it begins to resurface in us.

And, yes, the darkness will seek to re-introduce itself into our lives, usually when we least expect it. The fact is that life is unexpected. Not everything is planned out. That’s the good news and the bad news. It’s good news because that means we have choice. We can choose how to live our lives, regardless of the darkness we’ve managed to climb out of. It can be bad news if we allow ourselves to be engulfed by the unknown, paralyzed with fear over the prospect of change, mired in the patterns of our past.

How do we deal with darkness when it comes back to haunt us, or when we’re presented with it in the company of others? Here are some strategies that may help.

• Know it for what it is. We have to recognize the darkness before we can adopt a workable strategy for dealing with it. If we see ourselves falling into our old ways, for example, that’s a sign of the darkness and a clear sign we need to utilize coping mechanisms in our toolkit.
• Remember we have choice. There’s nothing written in stone that says that just because we feel in a black mood or like things aren’t going well that we have to revert to what got us into trouble in the first place. We have choices and we can make good decisions. If we need help, ask for it from our 12-step sponsor, our therapist, or our loved ones and family members.
• Act accordingly. Once we recognize the darkness, analyze our available strategies for dealing with it and act accordingly. It may be as simple as removing ourselves from the source of the darkness, as in steering clear of acquaintances that are still deep into using and have no desire to see us clean and sober. It may be we need to adopt a more proactive and positive mind-set of our own.
• Keep busy. It goes without saying that if we’re actively involved in working our recovery, our minds won’t sit idle and drift into trouble areas. At least, that’s generally the way it works. By keeping busy, not only with doing the work of recovery but also taking good care of ourselves, we are doing ourselves a favor by helping keep darkness at bay. It’s also a whole lot more interesting when we’re involved in activities that put us into contact with others engaged in healthy lifestyle pursuits.
• Keep notes. Don’t be jolted when darkness creeps up and threatens to derail our progress. We can help ourselves by keeping notes on the particular circumstances, where we were, what we were doing, what prompted the darkness, and how we’ve been able to successfully deal with it (or not) in the past. This tactic helps us stay on top of workable strategies and shows us where we may need to adapt or revise what we have. It’s also a proactive way of dealing with darkness so that we’re better prepared when it rears up to challenge us again.

A final point about darkness that’s worth making is that we cannot assume that we’ll always be plagued by it or free of it. Life isn’t like that. There are going to be times when everything seems to be going just fine in our recovery and other times when it looks like we just can’t do anything right. At times like this, it’s important to remember our strategies for dealing with darkness. Talk with our sponsor and trusted advisors. Get on top of the situation and don’t allow ourselves to sink into despair.

Remember, too, that darkness is usually temporary, much like cravings and urges. If we can get past the initial period where it descends upon us, we’re on our way to getting past it. If we have continued difficulty doing so, it may be that we need to consult a professional therapist who can help us learn how to better cope.

Think about how often we feel scared or frightened about an upcoming or looming event, challenge, or problem. We may be especially prone to this kind of emotional blockage in our early days of recovery, but the truth is that each of us experiences a certain element of fear in any confrontation with the unknown.

It’s the uncertainty and lack of knowledge about what’s going to happen, or that we’re afraid might happen, that stymies our forward momentum. When we feel uncertain, we’re not likely to make any moves, whether or not we know we should. And that includes venturing forth and taking steps to work on the various plans and goals we’ve set for ourselves in recovery.

But we’re really the only ones who know that we’re afraid, aren’t we? Unless we broadcast the fact to others, quivering in our shoes and hanging back like we’ve just seen our dog run over and we don’t know what to do. Okay, maybe that is a grossly inappropriate analogy, but you get the point. If we keep our fear to ourselves, from the standpoint of not showcasing it to everyone around us, it’s really an internal issue we need to learn how to deal with.

And that makes it a little easier to take action to counter it. Now, just because we don’t advertise our fear on our sleeves doesn’t mean that we cannot talk about what’s bothering us with our 12-step sponsor. That’s what our sponsor is there for, to help guide us through the rough spots and give us the benefit of his or her experience in areas of this kind.

Granted, we may be initially unwilling to share our fear, or lack of courage, which is how we may regard it, with anyone else, least of all someone outside our immediate family. But perhaps we should reconsider. After all, we may not be the best judge of how to proceed right now. When we’re faced with something that we feel incapable of handling or unprepared to deal with, how are we supposed to get past that hurdle and get on with our recovery? If not taking advantage of the support and encouragement that’s readily available to us in the form of our sponsor, what then?

Right now, the best advice we can give to ourselves, and the best advice we can take, is to contact our sponsor and sit down and talk about what it is that we’re most afraid of. There’s not going to be any condemnation or reprimand over it, whatever it is. Again, we need to trust that our sponsor has our best recovery interests at heart, as should we. That’s all the more reason to get started now to move past our issue or hurdle that’s currently holding us back.

To the outside world, we can still look like we’re holding our own. We want to project a feeling of self-confidence and enjoy continued motivation to keep going with our recovery efforts. This isn’t engaging in deception. It’s just us seeking counsel with our advisor.

Of course, if our emotional problems tend toward depression of a longer term, say, more than two weeks, or if we’re suffering from anxiety or some other form of mental health disorder, we should get in touch with a professional therapist, since our sponsor is not qualified to provide any sort of therapy.

Think about being free to move ahead with our recovery plans without being plagued by fear that we don’t have what it takes. Another point that’s well worth remembering is that the more we tend to our recovery actions, the longer we’re in effective recovery and the more focused we are on doing the best we can each day for our sobriety, the stronger and more self-assured we become. We are gaining a stronger foothold in our recovery and will be better able to manage situations that arise that previously threw us into a paroxysm of fear.

So, when we’re facing the unknown and experiencing fear, the best thing to do is not to panic. Recognize that there are things we can do that can help us get past this hurdle, things that have worked well for others in similar circumstances. Give it time and take action. Moving ahead with a proactive plan and making use of the support and encouragement available to us will make the transition easier and faster.

Just think how many hours we waste worrying about what might happen? When we’re so fearful of change, we not only cut ourselves off from an infinite number of opportunities, we also stunt our growth and halt our progress in recovery.

Fear and worry about change are understandable, but they are also extremely unproductive. We carry with us a lot of baggage when we first get clean and sober and begin recovery. It cannot be otherwise. After all, we’ve just ditched a lifestyle that was self-destructive and going nowhere. We have a lot yet to learn and probably feel more than just a little hesitation about what this new sobriety thing is all about.

Naturally, we’d be anxious and confused about what lies ahead. If we’ve never been down this road before, all the more so would we be so concerned. But even those among us who’ve been through several relapses and managed to get back into our recovery program can feel hesitant and worried that we’re not up to the changes.

Let’s be clear about one thing: Change is inevitable. This doesn’t mean, however, that change is bad. In fact, if we are to make substantial progress in recovery, we need to adopt the attitude that change is necessary and change is good.

Sure, there may be some pain attached to change. Letting go of old habits and behaviors, even though they may have been all we knew, can be frightening and painful. Getting involved in a sober lifestyle, going to meetings where we don’t initially know anyone and taking up the whole Twelve Step process can be pretty scary – at first.

But be comforted in the knowledge that we aren’t going it alone. We have the support and encouragement of our soon-to-be sponsor (and we shouldn’t wait too long to get one) and our fellow 12-step group members. Every single person that steps foot in the rooms has had to go through the doorway the first time. Therefore, every single one of them knows how it feels to embark upon this journey.

Yes, it may be scary. Yes, we may initially worry and fret that we might not be up to the change. But change we must if we are to make progress in this life of recovery. It’s also important to remind ourselves that we have chosen to be clean and sober. We have made a commitment to recovery and want to learn how to change our lifestyle so that we can be productive and happy in sobriety.

That said, however, we’re still plagued with nagging doubt and worry over what we no longer have, what’s been taken away from us (our addictive ways), and possibly the people, place and things that we now must avoid because they’re associated with our past drug use.

How about this as an alternative? Instead of thinking along the dark lines of what’s missing or no longer here, think instead about all the new things we’ll be learning, the new friends we’ll make, the new challenges and opportunities that are bound to come our way. This is a proactive approach and isn’t all that difficult to do. Sure, it will take some practice to adjust our thinking from one of negativity to one that’s positive, but we can certainly do it. Thousands of others in the rooms have done so. They’ll also be glad to give us pointers on what worked for them in beginning their mental readjustment.

In a way, it’s a little like Christmas presents under the tree. We don’t know what’s in them, since they’re all wrapped up and hidden from view. But we’re pretty sure we’re going to like them. Think about change and embracing change in recovery that way and we’ll be on the road to accepting the gifts of opportunity that come our way.

Let’s face it. We all have fear at some point in our lives. We are, after all, human beings, and fear is an emotional response that is part of our nature. But it is also true that we have the capacity to overcome fear, to act in spite of fear, and to learn how to use fear as a motivation to strive toward achievement of our goals.

Looking back at our first few days of recovery, when we were free of drugs or alcohol for perhaps the first time in many months or years, we undoubtedly experienced a rush of fear. Sometimes it may have seemed like the cloud of fear clung to us, became a part of us, and put a big block wall in front of any hopes we may have had of maintaining our sobriety or pushing forward with our goals.

Indeed, we may have been so fearful that we had no goals. So many of us ran up against this formidable wall of fear that we felt hopeless, helpless, confused and worthless. That’s what fear does to us. It makes us feel as if we’re not worthy or deserving of happiness, that we don’t have what it takes to embrace opportunities, to face challenges, even to live in peace and serenity.

How did we ever move past fear? When we experience the shiver of fear today, what strategy do we employ to get past it? Likely as not, we’ve adopted and adapted techniques we’ve heard about in the rooms or from our sponsor. For many, this is a process of trial and error. What worked yesterday may not work today, or it may only work for minor fear and not fear of the paralyzing kind.

The key to successfully overcoming fear, however, lies not in what we do, but the fact that we do it. Once we have found an effective way to counterbalance fear and take action according to our recovery plan, we are on the right path toward defeating fear completely. Not that we will never be temporarily visited by fear, but we won’t be stopped in our tracks by it, either.

The admonition that we should face our fear in order to overcome it makes a lot of sense. Many times, if we are being honest with ourselves, what we feared most in the past didn’t turn out to be so overpowering after all. We often exaggerate the consequences of what we’re most afraid of, giving it more power than it deserves. In fact, we have all the power. We can look fear in the face, acknowledge the emotion, and then proceed with our action plan in accordance with the goals we’ve set for ourselves.

Yes, it takes practice. No, we won’t become expert at giving fear the heave-ho immediately. But we can and we will learn how to defeat it if we allow ourselves to do so and then take action. Look at it this way. We can see fear at the entrance to a garden and tremble to the point where we never walk through the gate to what’s on the other side. Or we can take a deep breath, recognize that fear is only temporary and isn’t a real barrier, and put one foot in front of the other and stride right through that gate.

When we look around, we see that fear was nothing more than a passing cloud, whisked away by the wind of our forward momentum. Overcoming fear, by the way, is courage in action. And each and every one of us is capable of challenging and surmounting any fear that seeks to waylay us and jeopardize our recovery.

Courage is something that most of us in recovery long ago learned to value. When we see courage displayed by others, we are often in awe, wondering where in the world they came by it, wishing that it could come easily to us in turn. But the truth is that courage isn’t easy to come by. We have to earn it.

Earn it? How can we possibly earn courage? We earn our quotient of courage – actually quotient is a misnomer, since we can have endless courage – by acting in the face of fear. Action is a proactive step that we take. It isn’t us sitting around wallowing in our fear about the unknown. Courage is acting in spite of fear, during fear itself, actually. Courage comes about as a result of us making a decision and going ahead with action even if our knees are shaking and we’re anxious at the pit of our stomach.

If anyone asked us outright, most of us would say that we don’t have a courageous bone in our body. We may feel that to speak about courage is somehow to diminish it, even jinx it. But we do possess the ability – all of us do – to act even when we are afraid.

Think about those among us who have persevered through terrible adversity to overcome our addiction. Many of us are left with profound cognitive deficits as a result of chronic alcoholism or drug use. Yet we don’t let that stand in our way as we continue to pursue our path of recovery. In fact, with every passing day, we may find that our cognitive abilities improve, as research has found they often do with continued abstinence and other healthy behavioral changes.

There are also those among us who are in decline, medically-speaking, whether due to advanced age, the cumulative effect of addiction, or compounded by a number of medical conditions, or all of these. Continuing to live in such circumstances can be considered an act of courage in itself.

One thing that we will all need to face inevitably is the fact that we will die. We will all come to that finality at some point. Once we recognize that fact of life, that death is inevitable, it may make living in the present that much more imperative. We may find, for example, that it helps us find and reinforce our reservoir of courage.

Can we practice being courageous? Are there simple tips we can follow to help boost our ability to move ahead in the face of fear, to make the right decisions and feel good about our actions? There’s nothing like proceeding with time-proven strategies that have worked for so many others in recovery. We can begin by talking with our 12-step sponsor about how we gain courage, but we shouldn’t be disheartened if we don’t feel like we’re ready just yet to act.

We might, for example, be afraid to venture into a roomful of strangers, perhaps at a new 12-step group meeting that we haven’t previously attended. We may not be outgoing and we’re deathly afraid of interaction with others. We may be too new to recovery to know yet how this whole sobriety lifestyle works, or works for us. The best thing to do is to go anyway. Step out of our comfort zone and get in the rooms. We don’t have to say anything right away. Just listen to what’s being said and take comfort in the knowledge that these are all individuals who, just like us, are taking action to maintain their sobriety.

Each of them processed their own fears. Each of them needed to, and continue to need to, work through fears to make progress toward goals that they’ve set for themselves in recovery.

If they can do it, we can too. Courage isn’t mysterious or given only to some. Courage is available to all of us. And we find our courage through action and through achieving goals through our persistence at doing the work of recovery.