5 Warnings Signs of Impending Relapse

If you are active in a 12-step program like AA you have likely seen people come and go – it can be heartbreaking when someone you admire relapses and disappears from the rooms. Your greatest hope is that they will show up again, but sometimes they simply don’t.  For this reason, avoiding relapse is absolutely imperative in recovery.  There is simply no guarantee you will get sober again.

Many people who relapse will say they were caught off guard, but the truth is, if you know the warning signs you can proactively move away from relapse and deeper into your recovery.  Over the last two and half decades of sobriety, I have seen some typical patterns that occur before a relapse.

1. Hostility toward what they see as “rules” and absolutism, and then become an absolutist

The Big Book makes it clear that they are giving suggestions, but whether a group gets off track or a person simply chooses to interpret things a certain way, some begin to grate against what they perceive as rules.  You have to make recovery work for you, so if something turns you off, find something that doesn’t turn you off.

For me, it was the problem of some meetings having an almost religious quality to them. I was turned off by the dogmatic, church-like atmosphere.  However, I was diligent in trying dozens and dozens of meetings until I found some that did not have that pervasive feeling of almost being a religious revival meeting.  I found a place I could call home.

Some people find the more religiously inclined meetings appeal to them more – so they go to those meetings.

If you just go to a few different meetings and give up, you are most definitely missing those meetings that can help you.  Be diligent.   Understand that groups are just people, and people tend to gravitate toward what appeals to them. So you do the same thing.

Another thing to consider: just because other people are dogmatic, doesn’t mean you can’t get something out of a group. There are all sorts of situations in life where you don’t agree completely with those you have to interact with, but you make it work. Maybe you don’t like a few of your co-workers, but you like some other co-workers. You don’t quit your job; you gravitate toward like-minded people.

The danger of getting all riled up over absolutists, is it tends to make you an absolutist.  You become inflexible and hostile. That’s no way to stay sober.

2. Getting wrapped up in destructive thinking

Far be it from me to say it’s easy to get out of a cycle of destructive thinking. I’m the queen of it. However, over the years I have developed some strategies to cut the cycle short.  Whereas once upon a time I could fall into a funk for weeks and months, I’ve learned how to tell myself to snap out of it and try something new.  Maybe that means exercising more or finally calling that friend who’s been trying to have lunch with me for weeks.  It defintely means not wallowing and isolating.

It’s a lot easier to stop a cycle of destructive thinking if you catch it early. Sometimes that means a little self-talk.

“Oh Oh. I’m getting depressed. What’s going on? I feel stuck!”

Sometimes just verbally acknowledging the attitude is enough to move you into solutions. Maybe you are hanging around too much with depressed friends.   I know in my first year of sobriety, I had two other newcomer pals who were, frankly, depressive people. At one year we planned a trip together for our anniversary. Just before the trip, they told me I was too depressing so I wasn’t invited. I was hurt, but it was a wake up call. My first reactions was, “I’m depressing? Have you heard yourself talk lately?”  But then I thought, gosh, if THEY think I’m depressing I must be a freaking nightmare to be around. Who wants to be a nightmare to be around?  Ironically, they both relapsed the week of their first anniversary, whereas I kicked myself in the butt and said, “Cut it out! Stop moping! Live your life!”

In fact, I ended up being eternally grateful that they kicked me out of the club.

3. When a doctor offers you meds for anxiety or insomnia you don’t bother to tell him you’re a recovering alcoholic or addict

I have seen this happen time and time again.  Someone gets some anxiety in recovery, they go tell a new doctor, the doctor pulls out the prescription pad.  They don’t tell their doctor they have a history of drug abuse or alcoholism. They are happy to get a “legitimate” mood changer.

It’s only a matter of time before that Xanax turns into Klonopin, then turns into a drink.  It’s inevitable.

In one case, I saw this happen to a guy with 15 years sobriety. It took five more years, but he ordered a drink when he was anxious on a flight.  His first drink in 20 years, but certainly not his first slip.  That “first drink” resulted in him being taken off the plane in a wheelchair.

I like doctors who, when they hear you have insomnia, ask you to change your lifestyle. How much caffeine are you drinking? What do you do in the hours before bedtime? Do you watch TV to fall asleep? Are you getting enough exercise? What are you doing to reduce stress?

If the first thing the doctor does is pull out a prescription pad, I find a new doctor.

Prescriptions drugs might seem like legitimate ways to get high, but they are getting high nonetheless.

Now, I am not a doctor – I would never pretend to diagnose someone with mental illness.  I just say, beware – if you are being treated for a legitimate chemical imbalance like bipolar disorder or have severe clinical depression, there are medications that can help that do not make you high. There’s a big difference between treating a chemical imbalance and trying to numb your feelings.

In all honesty, we know when we are treating an illness and when we are just trying to get high.  If you are lying to yourself about your motives, you are likely on the verge of relapse.

4. Start telling yourself you are different (again)

Of course we are different. We cannot drink alcohol like normal people.  But you know what I’m talking about- that terminal uniqueness that meant the rules didn’t apply to us.  Recovery and the steps can help us become healthier and bring us back into society as caring people rather than selfish people, but that little voice that says we are different is ready to jump in at any moment.

In terms of relapse, that voice might start to say, “Wow. You haven’t even thought about a drink in 20 years.  Not that hard! Maybe I wasn’t an alcoholic after all? I mean, I was really immature back then. I had a lot of financial stress back then. My life is so awesome now.  Maybe I would be okay and drink in moderation now?  Maybe I’m different from all those really hard-core alcoholics who end up a big mess when they start drinking again.”

This can happen at 2 years, 10 years, 30 years – time can be the enemy rather than your friend, especially if you use time to rationalize pre-sobriety behavior.

You aren’t different. Believe it. If you start drinking again your life will not be so awesome.

Frankly, if you weren’t an alcoholic, you wouldn’t even be thinking about it. A guy with peanut allergies doesn’t think, “Oh I haven’t had a reaction in 10 years because I’ve avoided peanuts, maybe the allergy is cured – let’s eat some Planter’s and see!”

5. You get involved with really negative people and bad relationships

You are enormously influenced by the company you keep. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can hang out with drug addicts and not use drugs eventually. Don’t decide to move in with your six-pack-a-day boyfriend and think at some point  you won’t feel weakness and maybe have just one. Don’t lie to yourself and that that you can marry that gal who is “only a casual marijuana smoker,” but she’s smoking hot, so you will just avoid her when she’s sparking up a doobie.

It isn’t just drug users and heavy drinkers you have to avoid – avoid people who are manipulative and controlling. Watch out for signs of abusive behavior – which can be simply someone who belittles you.

Many people in recovery have some history of emotional or physical abuse or neglect. So for some perverse reason, we can find ourselves attracted to people who will treat us like garbage.  Makes sense in a weird way – it’s what we grew up with maybe, so we are used to it. It feels familiar. If we tend to belittle ourselves, it’s always a little more acceptable to let someone else treat us like garbage.

Bad relationships are one of the fastest ways to head toward a relapse.  Emotional pain in normal day-to-day life can be challenging enough, but add in a person who works us up on a regular basis, and we are flirting with disaster.

If you are healthy, you choose healthy relationships. If you are choosing really unhealthy relationships, it should be a wake up call that something is not right.

If you recognize yourself in any of these five scenarios, you’ve taken the first step in getting beyond them: you are being honest with yourself.  Now, call your sponsor.