If you are active in a 12-step program like AA you have likely seen people come and go – it can be heartbreaking when someone you admire relapses and disappears from the rooms. Your greatest hope is that they will show up again, but sometimes they simply don’t.  For this reason, avoiding relapse is absolutely imperative in recovery.  There is simply no guarantee you will get sober again.

Many people who relapse will say they were caught off guard, but the truth is, if you know the warning signs you can proactively move away from relapse and deeper into your recovery.  Over the last two and half decades of sobriety, I have seen some typical patterns that occur before a relapse.

1. Hostility toward what they see as “rules” and absolutism, and then become an absolutist

The Big Book makes it clear that they are giving suggestions, but whether a group gets off track or a person simply chooses to interpret things a certain way, some begin to grate against what they perceive as rules.  You have to make recovery work for you, so if something turns you off, find something that doesn’t turn you off.

For me, it was the problem of some meetings having an almost religious quality to them. I was turned off by the dogmatic, church-like atmosphere.  However, I was diligent in trying dozens and dozens of meetings until I found some that did not have that pervasive feeling of almost being a religious revival meeting.  I found a place I could call home.

Some people find the more religiously inclined meetings appeal to them more – so they go to those meetings.

If you just go to a few different meetings and give up, you are most definitely missing those meetings that can help you.  Be diligent.   Understand that groups are just people, and people tend to gravitate toward what appeals to them. So you do the same thing.

Another thing to consider: just because other people are dogmatic, doesn’t mean you can’t get something out of a group. There are all sorts of situations in life where you don’t agree completely with those you have to interact with, but you make it work. Maybe you don’t like a few of your co-workers, but you like some other co-workers. You don’t quit your job; you gravitate toward like-minded people.

The danger of getting all riled up over absolutists, is it tends to make you an absolutist.  You become inflexible and hostile. That’s no way to stay sober.

2. Getting wrapped up in destructive thinking

Far be it from me to say it’s easy to get out of a cycle of destructive thinking. I’m the queen of it. However, over the years I have developed some strategies to cut the cycle short.  Whereas once upon a time I could fall into a funk for weeks and months, I’ve learned how to tell myself to snap out of it and try something new.  Maybe that means exercising more or finally calling that friend who’s been trying to have lunch with me for weeks.  It defintely means not wallowing and isolating.

It’s a lot easier to stop a cycle of destructive thinking if you catch it early. Sometimes that means a little self-talk.

“Oh Oh. I’m getting depressed. What’s going on? I feel stuck!”

Sometimes just verbally acknowledging the attitude is enough to move you into solutions. Maybe you are hanging around too much with depressed friends.   I know in my first year of sobriety, I had two other newcomer pals who were, frankly, depressive people. At one year we planned a trip together for our anniversary. Just before the trip, they told me I was too depressing so I wasn’t invited. I was hurt, but it was a wake up call. My first reactions was, “I’m depressing? Have you heard yourself talk lately?”  But then I thought, gosh, if THEY think I’m depressing I must be a freaking nightmare to be around. Who wants to be a nightmare to be around?  Ironically, they both relapsed the week of their first anniversary, whereas I kicked myself in the butt and said, “Cut it out! Stop moping! Live your life!”

In fact, I ended up being eternally grateful that they kicked me out of the club.

3. When a doctor offers you meds for anxiety or insomnia you don’t bother to tell him you’re a recovering alcoholic or addict

I have seen this happen time and time again.  Someone gets some anxiety in recovery, they go tell a new doctor, the doctor pulls out the prescription pad.  They don’t tell their doctor they have a history of drug abuse or alcoholism. They are happy to get a “legitimate” mood changer.

It’s only a matter of time before that Xanax turns into Klonopin, then turns into a drink.  It’s inevitable.

In one case, I saw this happen to a guy with 15 years sobriety. It took five more years, but he ordered a drink when he was anxious on a flight.  His first drink in 20 years, but certainly not his first slip.  That “first drink” resulted in him being taken off the plane in a wheelchair.

I like doctors who, when they hear you have insomnia, ask you to change your lifestyle. How much caffeine are you drinking? What do you do in the hours before bedtime? Do you watch TV to fall asleep? Are you getting enough exercise? What are you doing to reduce stress?

If the first thing the doctor does is pull out a prescription pad, I find a new doctor.

Prescriptions drugs might seem like legitimate ways to get high, but they are getting high nonetheless.

Now, I am not a doctor – I would never pretend to diagnose someone with mental illness.  I just say, beware – if you are being treated for a legitimate chemical imbalance like bipolar disorder or have severe clinical depression, there are medications that can help that do not make you high. There’s a big difference between treating a chemical imbalance and trying to numb your feelings.

In all honesty, we know when we are treating an illness and when we are just trying to get high.  If you are lying to yourself about your motives, you are likely on the verge of relapse.

4. Start telling yourself you are different (again)

Of course we are different. We cannot drink alcohol like normal people.  But you know what I’m talking about- that terminal uniqueness that meant the rules didn’t apply to us.  Recovery and the steps can help us become healthier and bring us back into society as caring people rather than selfish people, but that little voice that says we are different is ready to jump in at any moment.

In terms of relapse, that voice might start to say, “Wow. You haven’t even thought about a drink in 20 years.  Not that hard! Maybe I wasn’t an alcoholic after all? I mean, I was really immature back then. I had a lot of financial stress back then. My life is so awesome now.  Maybe I would be okay and drink in moderation now?  Maybe I’m different from all those really hard-core alcoholics who end up a big mess when they start drinking again.”

This can happen at 2 years, 10 years, 30 years – time can be the enemy rather than your friend, especially if you use time to rationalize pre-sobriety behavior.

You aren’t different. Believe it. If you start drinking again your life will not be so awesome.

Frankly, if you weren’t an alcoholic, you wouldn’t even be thinking about it. A guy with peanut allergies doesn’t think, “Oh I haven’t had a reaction in 10 years because I’ve avoided peanuts, maybe the allergy is cured – let’s eat some Planter’s and see!”

5. You get involved with really negative people and bad relationships

You are enormously influenced by the company you keep. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can hang out with drug addicts and not use drugs eventually. Don’t decide to move in with your six-pack-a-day boyfriend and think at some point  you won’t feel weakness and maybe have just one. Don’t lie to yourself and that that you can marry that gal who is “only a casual marijuana smoker,” but she’s smoking hot, so you will just avoid her when she’s sparking up a doobie.

It isn’t just drug users and heavy drinkers you have to avoid – avoid people who are manipulative and controlling. Watch out for signs of abusive behavior – which can be simply someone who belittles you.

Many people in recovery have some history of emotional or physical abuse or neglect. So for some perverse reason, we can find ourselves attracted to people who will treat us like garbage.  Makes sense in a weird way – it’s what we grew up with maybe, so we are used to it. It feels familiar. If we tend to belittle ourselves, it’s always a little more acceptable to let someone else treat us like garbage.

Bad relationships are one of the fastest ways to head toward a relapse.  Emotional pain in normal day-to-day life can be challenging enough, but add in a person who works us up on a regular basis, and we are flirting with disaster.

If you are healthy, you choose healthy relationships. If you are choosing really unhealthy relationships, it should be a wake up call that something is not right.

If you recognize yourself in any of these five scenarios, you’ve taken the first step in getting beyond them: you are being honest with yourself.  Now, call your sponsor.

• New recovery post: Feeling Overwhelmed? http://addiction-recovery-blog.com/just-life/feeling-overwhelmed/ #

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In recovery, sometimes people slip. Sometimes they fall big time. It can be frustrating and crazy-making trying to figure out what to do in either case, but when you completely collapse, doing what’s right may mean the difference between life and death. With so much at stake, how should you go about picking up the pieces after major relapse? Here are some points to consider.

What Just Happened?

No, it’s not a movie title, but it is a good question to ask yourself. Chances are that you have only a foggy memory of what precipitated the relapse. When you’ve gone so far over the edge that the last few days or weeks are a blur, you know you’re in bad shape. Still, in order to climb back from the pit of relapse, you need to figure out what it was that drove you over the edge.

Think hard. Walk yourself back in your mind to the last thing that you remember. Don’t fret. This may take some time. Make a pot of strong coffee, cook some breakfast, and sit down afterward with a pad of paper and a pen. Yes, this involves actual writing things out.

Some words of caution: If you find yourself sitting at the table or desk – or lounging on the couch – get up and move around. Do some deep breathing exercises or run or jog in place, anything to either a) calm yourself or b) get your blood pumping. You need one or the other in order to jumpstart your sluggish brain. Either one will also help you stave off the craving to use again. Succumbing to urges is likely what got you into trouble in the first place.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Start writing whatever comes into your mind. When was the last time (day, hour) that you had a drink, took drugs, went to the casino – or all of these? Who were you with? Did you seek out the company of others you know use, whom you’ve been with in the past and thought you could get away being around again without slipping? Do you remember anything about how you felt when you took the first sip, popped the pill, snorted the powder, sat down at the blackjack table?
Write it out. Be specific. You need to pinpoint the people, places, and things that started this train wreck. That’s the only way you can begin to figure out how to start picking up the pieces.

Besides, you need to have it all down on paper so you can then begin to work out your plan to get back on track in recovery.

Look For Clues

Okay, it may be a blur. You may not be able to remember, at least not right now. In that case, your best option is to look for clues. Do you have receipts for booze you bought at the store? Are there empty bottles about the house? Dig out the charge slips from the bar or club. Those will give you the dates and times to jog your memory. Do you recognize the places as ones you used to frequent? Do you know the bartender or server well? You may want to call him or her and ask them to relate the circumstances surrounding your descent back into drinking. Do not, however, call the buddies you were with – not under any circumstances. They are the least reliable and last persons you need to either talk with or be around.
If any of this gives you the jitters and prompts you to look for a bottle (or pills or your car keys to drive back to the casino), call your 12-step sponsor immediately. Get yourself to a meeting before you can convince yourself that it’s all a waste of time and since you’ve fallen off the wagon, you might as well stay there. That’s not reason talking – it’s your addiction trying to overtake your life again.

Other clues that you can look for include drugs and drug paraphernalia in your home: needles, packets of heroin, crystal meth, bags of marijuana, bongs, pipes, and empty pill containers. Of course, tracks on your arms, legs, feet, or armpits are a dead giveaway as well. What about the state of your home? Is it tossed, full of debris, dirty, smelly, like a tornado whipped through it or you had a blow-out party? And your car, what about that? Is it dented, scraped, completely out of gas, filled with bottles and/or signs of drug use, or evidence that you’ve been to the casinos?

Look in the refrigerator. Is it completely bare – except for that bottle of vodka that you stashed in the freezer? You know – the one that’s empty. If you’ve been on a bender or at the casinos for an extended period, you probably haven’t been eating at home. If there is any food remaining in the fridge, it’s probably spoiled, moldy, or past its expiration date.
What about the mail that’s piled up? If the trash hasn’t been emptied, that’s another clue as to how long you’ve been away, so to speak.

What do you do with the clues you find? Write down as much as you can about what they tell you that you’ve been doing for the past few days or weeks.

Clean Yourself Up

Now, you need to take action. But you can’t go out of the house in your current state. Take a shower and clean yourself up.
Your brain will be telling you that what you need is a drink or to do a line or pop some pills or go back and score big at the tables. Again, that’s your addiction trying to take over – and you’ve seen how much good that’s done you.

Force yourself to get in the shower. Count to a hundred and put one foot in front of the other until you actually get in there and scrub yourself clean. Wash your hair, shave or put on make-up (or both, if appropriate), and put on clean clothes.
You should at least be presentable when you go out.

And you need to go out because there’s something very important that you need to do: go to a 12-step meeting as soon as you’re ready.

What If You Can’t Do It?

Got the shakes because it’s been a few hours since your last drink? Feel like you can’t keep from going to get another bottle or head out to the bar – even if it’s six in the morning? Yeah, you’re going through the first stages of withdrawal – and you know it’s only going to get worse from here.

Call your sponsor and ask for his or her help. You need to detox and, depending on how bad your relapse was and/or what substances you used, you need it fast. Don’t try to do this on your own. You aren’t the best judge of what’s best for you and you certainly aren’t a medical professional. Even if you are (there are plenty of doctors and nurses who get hooked, get clean, and relapse), you’re not your best at treating yourself. Medical supervision is what you need.

If you’re still drunk, you can’t get behind the wheel. This is all the more reason to call your sponsor, a close friend, or a family member to drive you to the detox facility at the hospital. If you’ve been in treatment at a residential facility before, you may need to go back in.

Take it one step at a time.

Recognize that you need help. Ask for it. Then, do what you need to do to get clean again.

After Detox, Then What?

You know the drill. After you purge the alcohol or drugs out of your system, it’s time for some serious revisiting of what and why and where – and, beyond that, what you are going to do from here.

A little – or a lot – of counseling is in order. Again, this is not something that you can figure out on your own. If you could, you wouldn’t likely be in this position of suffering a major relapse. But that’s not always the case. Everyone is different. What will do one person in may not faze another. Maybe you know full well the strategies to employ, the tips and techniques that you practiced during treatment. But when your brain chemistry has changed as a result of long-term alcohol or drug use, and if you’ve stopped taking any meds the doctors prescribed you to help ward off cravings and urges, sometimes you are powerless to stop yourself.

At least, that’s what you tell yourself as a means of explaining what happened. Hey, that’s as good a reason as any. But it’s not altogether true. You can stop yourself. You already do know that it’s possible. You did it before. You can do it again.
You just need help figuring out what may work better for you next time the cravings and urges resurface.

And, of course, they will.

What if treatment is no longer an option? What if you don’t have aftercare or continuing care as part of the treatment program you were in? There’s always counseling available. It’s a matter of figuring out how and where to get it and how much it’s going to cost you. Ask your 12-step sponsor, your doctor, or call the treatment facility you went to and find out who can help you.

Be prepared to stick with counseling for the long haul. When you’ve had a major relapse, it means that something isn’t working right for you. You may need to re-examine your commitment to sobriety. Did you think it would be easy? Did you go through treatment just to satisfy your family or your employer or someone who said you needed it? Was it court-ordered treatment that you thought you could just coast through and be done with it?

Guess what? You may need to go back into treatment for another 30 or 60 or 90 days. This time, make sure it sticks. Go into it with your eyes wide open. Admit to yourself that you didn’t give it the full attention and focus required. You didn’t honestly want to get clean and sober. Maybe now you will. You owe it to yourself to give sobriety another try.

For some people with long-term alcoholism or drug abuse, it takes more than once in treatment before they finally figure out how to live without the bottle or fix. And, beyond just living, they need to learn how to live life in joy, to be productive and fulfilled and happy.

Reach Out to Your Family

Not everyone who has a major relapse has the luxury of still having a family around. It’s also true that just because you do have a loving and supportive family that you won’t ever relapse. The truth is that relapse, just like addiction, can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what race, religion or nationality you are, how rich or smart you are or where you live.

But everyone needs a support network in recovery – and, especially when they suffer a major relapse. Picking up the pieces after such a big fall is simply not possible on your own.

Maybe your family is your 12-step sponsor and fellow group members. Maybe your family is your wife or partner, your children, or parents, or other close relative. It could be your best friend that has stood by you all your life – even through your darkest hours of addiction.

Whoever your family is in the real or abstract sense, reach out to them now. Tell them that you’ve had a major relapse and you want to get clean again. Be prepared for the full range of emotion – everything from sorrow to anger to grief to disbelief. Acknowledge that you made a big mistake. Beg for their support and encouragement as you do what you need to now. No, they can’t do it for you. But they are critical to your ongoing recovery. You need them in your corner.

You need all the help you can get.

Most of all, you need to find the courage or guts or determination to see it through this time. How you approach your family, the words you use, the actions you take, may help or hurt your chances to enlist their support.

It’s definitely a challenge and one that you may cringe at tackling. Maybe all you need to do is let them know what’s happened. Maybe you need them to drive you to the detox facility or the rehab center. Maybe you just need to ask them to be there for you while you go back into treatment.

Maybe they need family therapy as well. Something has obviously gone awry. If you live at home and your family members are suffering as a result of your major relapse, family therapy may be the most important way that they can help to heal and learn how to best support your recovery efforts.

When You’re Home Again

Assuming that you’ve detoxed, gone back in for treatment, are receiving counseling, have the support of your family and 12-step sponsor and group members, now that you’re back home again, there are things you know you need to do to sustain your recovery.

Just in case you’re unsure, here’s a reminder list:

• Establish a routine. – It’s important that you ensure stability in your life by establishing a routine that accounts for every hour of the day. You need to create a schedule for what you should be doing from the time you get up until you go to bed. Allocate time for meetings and work and meals and recreation. Don’t leave any gaps. Idle hours allow your brain to work overtime at figuring out ways to sneak back into using. Routines and schedules are simple and basic ways to keep you on the right path.

• Take care of yourself. – It goes without saying that you need to pay attention to your health. While you were in relapse, you may have developed other medical conditions or had ones already existing get worse due to lack of care. You need to make sure you’re eating well-balanced, nutritious meals three times a day. Be sure you get adequate sleep. Be aware of and schedule periods of vigorous exercise. Taking care of yourself means you take the appropriate action to ensure that you’re never too hungry, tired, stressed out, or overly emotional.

• Redouble your attendance at meetings. – You may need to go to meetings morning, noon, and night for a while. In order to get yourself re-acclimated to recovery and what works best for you, one of the things you need to do is to be around people who’ve been through relapse themselves. This support network – your 12-step group – is comprised of individuals who not only understand what happens during relapse, but also afterwards, when you’re trying to come back. You may think you’ve heard it all before, but you really haven’t. It’s one thing to listen to others’ stories of relapse and recovery. It’s another thing entirely to go through it yourself. Maybe now the words you hear will have more meaning. You may just find some suggestions and techniques that will work for you – or that you can adapt to your own situation.

• Keep up counseling visits. – Just because you’ve made it through the major relapse and are back at home and work, don’t think you’re out of the woods. You should make it a practice to continue visits with your therapist or counselor. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which you may have had during treatment, may be recommended for you now. With CBT, your therapist helps you change the way you think and believe and learn how to behave in healthier ways.

• Get involved with a hobby or learn something new. – Stimulate your mind by getting involved with a hobby or learning something new. There are many things that you can do in this regard. Take up woodworking or cabinetry. Learn how to fly-fish and join a club that goes out on day- or week-end trips. Take up downhill or cross-country skiing. Join a gym or a hiking group or off-road adventure club. Go back to school to pursue a degree, finish a degree, or just take classes in something that interests you. By engaging your mind, you’re firing up new brain cells to take the place of those that may have been damaged due to addiction. Besides, when you’re involved in a hobby or learning something new, you’re being creative. You’re helping yourself to grow. And with growth comes hope. With hope, you have the ability to create new dreams, new goals, and a new future.

• Forgive yourself. – Get over the fact that you relapsed. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. After all, you’re human. You’d do the same for your fellow group member or a loved one if they experienced the same type or similar problem, wouldn’t you? The same thing applies to you. When you forgive yourself, it doesn’t mean you excuse what happened. It means that you take responsibility for the things you said and did – and are taking steps to learn how to live a healthier life.

• Be grateful for the opportunity. – Sometimes when people relapse, they find new meaning in their lives in recovery. It may take you hitting bottom again before you finally realize that this is your one life to live. How you live it is very much up to you.
 

There is no right or wrong about relapse. It just is. But it is also incumbent upon you to learn from what happened and thank God or your Higher Power or power of self or nature or whatever entity you choose for the opportunity to learn from this episode. Seize the day. Begin your journey of self-discovery. Rebuild hope. Envision your future according to your dreams. Find fulfillment, joy, and love. Live.

Recovering people do not have a monopoly on feeling overwhelmed.  Historically, however, we have turned to mood-altering substances to deal with stress and emotions, so being overwhelmed can be a significant trigger for many people in recovery.

So what to do if you are feeling overwhelmed?  The first step is to sit back, take a breath, and figure out what exactly is overwhelming you.  Sometimes you are so caught up in the chaos, you can’t see the steps needed to move out of it.

I suggest you get out a pad of paper and start writing out all the things you have on your plate at the moment. It become clear really quickly where you need to focus your priorities and where you might need to step back and reassess how you are using your time. 

Once you have your list – you might want ot break it down into types of pressure – family obligations, work obligations, specific work projects, personal obligations and needs (such as meetings, meditation, or the other things you to do stay sane).

Then ask yourself a question: What is on this list that is hanging over my head that I can complete TODAY.

You might be surprised just how much procrastination has led to your list getting longer and longer, and how not doing something is putting more pressure on you than just donig it. If there are little projects you’ve been putting off because you just don’t want to shift your focus, they are likely still pressing on you in some way. Get rid of them if you can.  Fix that door; write that memo; finish that presentation.

Another idea: clean and organize your desk.  A chaotic desk in itself can make things seem overwhelming – especially if every time you switch gears you have to figure out what you need, where it is, and why you can’t find that one item you need. I’m sooooo guilty of this. My desk can turn into a combat zone.  Cleaning it always clears my head a bit.

Another trick is to not project too far into the future. If a new project has been given to you that is due in a month, don’t start thinking OMG what I’m going to have to do this month to finish that! How will I juggle it all!  Instead, plan out what you will do the next two days – or even just today – to get started. 

Remember, a novel isn’t written in a day – it’s a few pages a day over a long period of time that results in that big manuscript!

When you are feeling overwhelmed remember it’s a feeling.  You can get analytical and figure out how to get things done – it might mean asking for support, but that’s still figuring out how to get it done.

Losing a loved one is always painful. It doesn’t matter if the person you care about so deeply was in a long-term illness or died suddenly. When they’re gone, you’re left with a void that seems so deep that it can never be sealed over. The bereavement process, while different for everyone in the length of time it takes to go through various stages, is still a similar journey. It all takes time. But what happens when you’re an addict in recovery and your loved one dies? Now it’s impossible for you to make amends, right? No, it isn’t impossible, but it is a bit more difficult. Making amends after your loved one dies involves changing your strategies, your approach and, possibly your beliefs.

Dealing with Loss

Naturally, the first thing you need to do is recognize that the grief process is just that: a process that takes its own time. There is no predetermined timetable for how long it will take until you feel anything other than numbness or anger or devastating loss. Nor is there a single path that works for everyone.

For the individual in recovery, now is the time when you need to rely on your support network more than ever. They may not have suffered a loss such as the death of a loved one, but they are your allies. Through the dark days of early recovery, to times when relapse seemed almost inevitable, through the moments of triumph and victory – sobriety markers for a month, 6 months, a year or longer – they have remained constant. In fact, now that you’ve suffered a loss of your spouse or partner, parent, child or other loved one, you need them even more.

The truth is that you will want to shut yourself away, to avoid people, to beat yourself up over your failures and shortcomings. This is a natural response, but it is also one that is counter-productive to your long-term health. A few days of self-imposed isolation may be your way of coping with the immediacy of your feelings, but any longer and you run the risk of falling deeper into depression. The old cravings and urges will return with a vengeance and you will feel powerless to resist. If ever you needed your 12-step sponsor and fellow group members, it’s now.

You first need to make it through the initial days and weeks following the death of your loved one. You cannot even hope to think about making amends while you’re still in the active initial grieving phase. You’re in too much pain. And people don’t think correctly when they’re hurting so much.

Again, it doesn’t matter how your loved one died. Whether it was the result of a lingering illness, an accident, or suicide, death is an end to life for everyone. You can’t change that fact. None of us can. The only thing that we can do is to go on living, to try to make the best use of our own time on earth that we can.

Forget Booze, Drugs, and other Addictive Behavior

For some of us in recovery, life after the death of a loved one involves a few steps forward and a couple back before we finally get to the point where we feel somewhat whole. And, no, falling back into the bottle or drugs or other addictive behavior won’t assuage the pain. It may make you forget your pain temporarily, but you’ll feel even worse afterwards. If you do slip, redouble your efforts at regaining and maintaining your sobriety.

The reality and finality of death of someone we love is definitely one of the worst things that can happen. As a life stressor, it doesn’t get much harder than this. You’ll need all the coping mechanisms and strategies and support from others who care about you that you can get. If you feel yourself ready to give into the urges, call your 12-step sponsor. Go online and immerse yourself in a meeting. Call another friend from your 12-step group. Get out of your home environment. Do whatever you need to do to weather the urge to use again.

Do not ever feel that by calling your sponsor or friends – those individuals who have pledged to be there for you whenever you need them – that you are burden. That’s simply not true. They wouldn’t have volunteered if they felt so. The best tip: Go to your sponsor first.

Recognize the Stages of Grief

Key to your own recovery from the loss of your loved one is to understand and recognize the traditional stages of grief. Each person will go through his or her own experience of bereavement and what happens to one will not necessarily happen to another. For some, a stage of depression and isolation may occur many months after the loved one’s death, while for others this may occur much earlier. The point isn’t when the stages occur, but the fact that there are typical stages that most individuals go through when dealing with the death of a loved one. Here, then, are the 7 stages of grief:

Stage 1: Shock and Denial – At first, you may feel numbness or a sense of disbelief. At some level, you will have a tendency to want to deny the reality of what just happened. This is a way of trying to avoid the pain. This numbness is actually a protective mechanism, like shock, that keeps the body from being too overwhelmed all at once. Stage 1 can last for weeks.

Stage 2: Pain and Guilt – At some point, the shock and denial fades away, only to be replaced by unbelievable pain. You think that you cannot bear it, but it is important that you acknowledge and feel this pain, and not try to deny it or avoid it by escaping into alcohol or drugs. During this time, you may also experience incredible feelings of guilt or remorse over things you did or didn’t do or say with or to your loved one. Accept that this time of your bereavement is a very frightening, scary and chaotic place to be, but know that it will eventually pass.

Stage 3: Anger and Bargaining – After your frustration, you will likely begin to feel intense anger. You may find yourself wanting to retaliate by lashing out at others who are just trying to help. It is important to release your pent-up anger, but do so in healthier ways than hurting others. Engage in physical exercise, utilize meditation, prayer, and going to your 12-step group meetings. At this time, you may also find yourself asking unanswerable questions such as: “Why did this happen to me?” Or you may start irrational bargaining, such as: “If you just bring her (or him) back, I will never again….” While this is perfectly understandable and often happens, you know deep in your heart that the person who died cannot come back. Again, don’t try to deny or avoid these feelings at this stage, but don’t allow them to push you into self-destructive behavior, either.

Stage 4: Depression, Loneliness and Reflection – Others around you may feel that it’s about time you snapped out of it by this time. You can’t allow the judgment of others to guide you. They aren’t in your shoes. It’s your grief, and grief is wholly individual. The truth is that a certain period of sadness and loneliness is a normal part of the grieving process. This period occurs after you’ve worked through the first three stages of grief. It’s when the reality of your loss becomes most apparent. Don’t allow outsiders to talk you out of your grief. That isn’t helpful and will only stall your healing process.
During the stage of depression and loneliness, you will begin to focus on the past. You will recall – in minute detail – all the things that you did or said during your time together with your loved one. Not all of these memories will be pleasant. In fact, for individuals in recovery, it is often filled with intense feelings of regret, sadness over their real and perceived failures caused by their addiction, and anguish over the pain they caused their loved one. You want to curl up into a ball, to isolate yourself from others. You may feel completely empty and full of despair. Acknowledge you have these feelings and understand that it is a perfectly normal stage of bereavement.

Stage 5: Turning Upward – After you’ve gone through the previous four stages, the fifth stage is one of gradual return to normal. No, your everyday life isn’t free from pain. Far from it, but you can expect your life to be a bit more calm and organized. Your physical symptoms (the broken heart, loss of weight, inability to sleep) will lessen, and you may feel your depression begin to lift, however slightly.

Stage 6: Reconstruction and Working Through – As you begin to think more clearly, you will start to create realistic solutions to working through problems that your life without your loved one may pose. There may be financial situations that you need to deal with that you will now be able to at least look at, get help for, and begin to work through. Other practical problems, such as taking care of minor children, attending to your other family or job-related responsibilities will not seem as much of a burden or be as overwhelming as they were in the immediate aftermath of your loved one’s death.

Stage 7: Acceptance and Hope – This is the final stage of grief. It does not mean that you are guaranteed instant happiness. You do, however, accept and deal with the reality of your situation. You will be able to remember your times with your loved one without the wrenching pain you once felt. There will still be sadness, but it won’t undermine your ability to function in your life of sobriety. Gradually, you will begin to find pleasure in doing everyday things, in meeting people with whom to share casual conversation. You will be able to set new goals for yourself, to involve yourself in new activities, broaden your educational, cultural, and spiritual horizons. In other words, you will be able to live and possibly experience hope and joy again.

When You’re Ready to Make Amends

While you should wait until you’ve gone through the stages of grief to devote yourself to making amends to your loved one who has died, this doesn’t mean that you can’t make notes on things you’d like to do, or want to do, when you are able. In fact, this may promote your overall healing.

One suggestion is to keep a notebook where you capture your thoughts on paper. Write how you feel at various points in your bereavement. If you’ve left things unsaid and feel that you can now never say them to your loved one, write them down. Be honest. Unburden yourself of your guilt, shame, remorse, anguish and pain. Write how much you love the person, how you realize now the things that you said or did caused such pain, and how you would do things differently if you again had the chance. By acknowledging the facts and responsibility for your actions caused by your addiction does not minimize the reality that you did what you did. It does, however, allow you to say to this person whom you love the things that you need to say.

Keep writing in your journal. Make it a practice to write something every day. You can use your journal to just talk about your day, as if you were talking in person to your loved one. You can use it to work through problems, or ask questions of yourself for which you need answers. If you find yourself needing to say the same or similar things over and over again, then you need to do so. This is your way of working through your feelings of grief and trying to come to a place of acceptance.

At some point, you may wish to take pages of your journal and read them aloud to your loved one at the cemetery, or after meditation in a place of peace and solitude, or read them silently at church. If it’s important to you to share some of these words and feelings with other family members, you may wish to arrange a small gathering during which each person speaks about his or her relationship with your loved one. But this is only a suggestion. You may have other ideas about how to make your amends.

What does it really mean to make amends, anyway – especially if the person is no longer alive? You can’t take back physical or mental abuse. You can’t wipe away deprivation or financial hardship caused by your addiction. Making amends means that you acknowledge your responsibility in what happened during your addiction. Since your loved one is no longer around, your resolution to continue in your sobriety has to be for yourself – but that is part of you making amends. You resolve to live a clean and sober life and to do the very best you can from this day forward. You will do it first for you, and also to live according to how you would live if your loved one stood before you now.

If your 12-step group has a section or seminar on dealing with grief and loss, and how to make amends after your loved one dies, by all means, attend. Just hearing from others who have gone through this experience will be helpful. Of course, you can buy books and attend other survivors’ meetings or go to see a grief counselor. You can also talk your feelings over with your aftercare or continuing care counselor (if you have one as part of your addiction treatment program). But definitely check out what other resources are available to you in your community.

Other examples of making amends to your loved one who has died include striving to become a better parent, getting your financial house in order, working to improve yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, helping others, and beginning to look outward instead of inward. Once you are able to look on tomorrow with something other than pain, you are on the path toward healing.

Some say that healing from the death of a loved one is the worst kind of pain. It makes everything you went through in treatment seem like a blur. If you believe, as millions do, that the spirit never dies, and that death is only a transition to eternal life, this may help you as you work on healing and making amends. If you have another type of belief or practice (that doesn’t involve addictive substances or behavior) that gives you hope and comfort, utilize that as well.
Recognize that you will never forget your loved one. Because he or she is gone does not mean they are out of your thoughts. You can’t get over their death, but you can go on. Do this in their memory, and do it for you. Let the healing begin.