My Friends Say I’m No Fun and Other Complaints in Early Sobriety

You used to be the life of the party, and even though you knew it was actually destroying your life, some of your friends aren’t too happy with the new you.  Some of your friends, maybe even a girlfriend or boyfriend, kind of liked you that way. Maybe you were a happy drunk, and now you seem to serious for their tastes. What’s a newly sober person to do?

The pat answer is: find new friends. Actually it’s not a bad answer, because fair-weather friends will likely not be there for you when you most need them. But it doesn’t help if you are feeling lonely and rejected to hear such an answer.

It’s important to remember that as a drinking alcoholic you had a persona – some people may have been attracted to that persona.  But that doesn’t mean you are no longer fun – just that you are in a development phase in your life. If you were drinking heavily for many years, even you might not know exactly who you are anymore.

Early sobriety is like a visit to a foreign country – you are not only getting to know yourself, but you are probably going to discover the type of people you really like. You may have hung out with certain people because they accepted your alcoholic drinking. Some people may have liked you – or even dated you – because they found you easy to manipulate.  Maybe you were the type who when really sauced like to pick up the check for the table.  Now you’re sober, and you’re thinking more responsibly about your money. You aren’t trying to play the big spender anymore.

Whatever your behavior was when you were drinking, if you are really working toward a positive recovery it is unlikely that you will have all the same friends you had before. This can be sad, even lonely at first, but it does not mean your future will be lonely. Chances are you will develop more meaningful and lasting relationships when alcohol is not fueling your emotions.  You will be a better friend, ergo, you will find better friends.

The other complaint a lot of people in early sobriety have is that all your friends are big drinkers. No surprise there – when we’re drinking too much it’s a lot easier to feel comfortable if we’re with other people who drink too much, even people who drink more than we do.  It is not worth risking your sobriety to try to hang out with those who drink the way you drank. Peers can be the strongest influence on our choices, both good and bad.

In early sobriety the goal is to take stock of your life (inventory) and re-discover who you really are: your values, your desires, your goals. Sometimes that means a few friends have to fall by the wayside.