Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory

In early recovery I eyed this step with trepidation: I already  hated myself enough so I really didn’t know if writing it down in detail was exactly a good idea. Frankly, what I learned doing this step was that one of my items was this self-criticism that was over the top.  I used this sort of “I suck” mentality as a manipulative tool at times. I was looking for reassurance, something to make me feel better about myself.  I had an excessive need for validation.

Who knows and who cares how this developed (I know actually, but no one really cares – it’s a boring, age-old tale that has been repeated over and over by countless children of alcoholics).

The truth about this moral inventory is that it cleans the slate in a way, gives you a sort of tabula rasa from which to begin anew. That’s to say I didn’t mark up that tabula rasa with all sort of new variations off my character defects, just that I consciously faced head on the things that I did that were self-defeating and made the commitment to work on them.

Have you ever noticed some people just never ever look at their behavior? Everyone else has a problem. Even if their lives are completely chaotic and miserable, they can’t see their own contribution.  Gee, sounds like an alcoholic.  But there are plenty of people without addiction who live their lives without ever examining their motives or character – in a way, our addiction forced this process upon us if we wanted to survive.  In a way, that makes us exceptionally lucky.  Living life with conscious awareness of your behavior is infinitely more rewarding than living like a giant wrecking ball with no regard for your impact on the world and your own life.

The exceptional impact of a moral inventory on character development cannot be underestimated. This process is critical to real growth in recovery. Without it, we can essentially spin our wheels on the same problems indefinitely. Not to mention the fact it’s really annoying to other people when we continue to whine and lament the same problems we create for ourselves year after year (booooor-ing!).

For me, a natural reaction to this process initially was self-pity.  Oh I am such an awful person. I’m clearly the awfullest person ever. I’m clearly a big giant mess of a human being…(insert dramatic sigh here).

Then self-pity rose to the top of the list.  I had a dramatic writing teacher once tell me: beware of writing characters who wallow in self-pity. It’s a total turn-off.  I started to think about that statement from then on when I read books, saw movies, or attended plays.  It became apparent really quickly that self-pitying characters rarely got my empathy.  They were indeed a turn-off!   As long as the character took responsibility and dealt with their struggles head on, I was engaged. As soon as it turned into a pity-fest for any length of time, I started to lose interest.

What a valuable lesson!  I used self-pity to try to get attention, when in fact it was turning people off so they would want to spend LESS time with me!

For me, this moral inventory enlightened and informed my conscious self of all the things I was doing unconsciously to sabotage relationships, success, and happiness.  It is one of the most profoundly life-changing actions one can take.