How many times do we find ourselves saying that we just want to be happy? Or that we’d do anything to be happy again? If we think about it, we’re probably all guilty of uttering these words, or some just like them. But the truth of the matter is that words alone will never bring us happiness. In order to feel happy, we have to do something.

That’s right. We have to take action. If we just exist, that is, going about our daily activities in a sort of a boring routine, that’s a kind of action, but it isn’t really living. Existence is breathing and continuing to breathe. We can exist and still feel dead, not happy. So the secret to finding happiness has more to do with the quality of our effort in doing something than just doing anything at all.

So, what we have here is a kind of conundrum. We need to do something in order to have a chance at finding happiness, and not just anything, but something meaningful and worthwhile. How are we to figure out just what that something might be? Yes, it can seem difficult to try to find our way through this maze.

On the one hand, we know we want to remain in sobriety. That presents its own challenges, but if we adhere to the recovery principles, do the work of the Twelve Steps, and approach each day with a new-found sense of purpose and optimism, we will be not only doing ourselves a favor, we’ll also be building a stronger foundation in recovery and bringing ourselves closer to finding happiness.

Accomplishment in a job well-done has its own reward: a feeling of self-satisfaction, an increase in self-esteem, and the glimmer of feeling really good about ourselves. This is the very beginning of happiness, when we can recognize and take credit for the good that we have done. If the action we’ve taken helps to bring about a better circumstance for others in need, so much the better. But when we’re just starting off in early recovery, we should stick to trying to help ourselves get better grounded in what it takes to maintain our sobriety effectively. We will learn as we act, and as we act and learn, we grow. As we grow, our self-esteem, our self-confidence and, yes, even our happiness, will increase.

But, just as the quote from William James indicates, all action may not bring about happiness. It is nevertheless true that there can be no happiness without us first doing something. We might say that we have to act in order to deserve happiness, but that would be putting too harsh a spin on it. We all deserve to be happy. But being happy is not the same thing as finding happiness. Maybe a better way to put it is that we should live our lives in a proactive manner, striving to do good at all times, acting to better the lives of others and, in the process, helping to boost our own reservoir of good-will as well.

Another important point to keep in mind is that we should stop worrying so much about finding happiness. Instead, concentrate on living today to the best of our ability. Give everything we’ve got today. Tomorrow will arrive without our help. Tomorrow we will awake to another day and it will be yet another opportunity, just like today, to live in the present, to take action, to increase the likelihood that we will find happiness and be happy.

Wouldn’t we love to wipe out the past, start over with a clean slate, leaving no record of the trail of misery and detritus we’ve left behind? Such is wishful thinking and we should acknowledge that right now. Furthermore, we need to recognize that it is physically impossible to go back and undo what has already been done. We don’t live in the past. We are not able to transport ourselves back there for a do-over.

Yet, how many of us continue to relive the past, day in and day out? We go over what we’ve said and done that has caused harm to others and ourselves, sometimes irreparable harm. We replay the past in our mind constantly as if in so doing something different will have transpired, a new outcome, a different past. All of this is a waste of time. We simply cannot cure the past.

What, then, can we do about our past? There really is only one answer: We have to live in the present. And it’s not just living that we need to do, but act. Action is what will change our lives. Action is what we do today.

There are, of course, two ways to look at action. There’s the action that will perpetuate the addictive patterns of our past. Then there’s the action that we choose to take to turn our lives around and help us to achieve lasting sobriety.

Note that we’re talking about choice and hard work here. There is no cure for addiction, no magic pill or incantation that makes it disappear. The reality is that we will need to work at our recovery. Sometimes that will entail making hard choices, while other times the going will be easier. We will become better at making the right decisions for our newfound sobriety as we go along, but such knowledge comes only through action. Sitting on the sidelines lamenting our fate won’t do anything but prolong our feeling of not being capable of achieving lasting sobriety.

What about those disrupting thoughts about the past that intrudes on us in the present and seek to divert our attention from the work we need to do for our recovery now? How can we rid ourselves of them? We can’t just block them out. That never works, for the pesky past reminders are still there waiting to inflict damage on us. The only way out of this dilemma is to acknowledge the past, admit to ourselves that, yes, we did do that, we did cause that harm to ourselves and to others. But then, once we’ve acknowledged our responsibility for our past actions, we reaffirm that we have made a choice to live a life of sobriety. We have changed, and we are steadfast and firm in our resolve to make a new life for ourselves, one that does not include drugs or alcohol.

Of course, acknowledge and accepting responsibility for our past actions does not absolve us from the requirement to make amends wherever possible. We may not be ready to tackle that step just yet, but we will be in time. It’s all part of the recovery journey and each of us approaches this step at our own time and pace.

Remember that we are not alone. We have resources. We have the support and encouragement of our 12-step sponsor and fellow group members, of our loving family and close friends. When we find that the past continues to cause us pain, talk it over with others who have been there before. There is strength in community and others are ready and willing to help us overcome this hurdle.

The past doesn’t have to be a barrier in our present. We live here now, and the past is just that, the past.

No one can deny that memories exist in our minds. Indeed, it is often difficult to get past them and get on with the daily business of living. But when we are in recovery, allowing ourselves to become trapped in thoughts of what we did in the past, lingering over all the bad things we did and said that caused harm to ourselves and others, we are not only not doing ourselves any favors but we are also putting a kibosh on our progress in recovery.

That said, how do we deal with those bad memories? How do we dismiss them, wholly and completely, never to return? Is there any proven method of doing so?

Take heart. There are some effective ways of dealing with bad memories. First, it’s important not to let them overwhelm us. We cannot simply give in and feel that we’ll never be rid of them, so why even bother. That is a defeatist attitude, and we all know how important attitude is in recovery. Knowing that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to wallow in thoughts of the past, then, what do we do?

The answer is that we need to acknowledge the facts behind those memories. That is, we have to take responsibility for our transgressions. We recognize that yes, bad things did happen as a result of our words and actions – mostly our actions, and that it is also true that our life today is not defined by what we said or did in the past. This is critically important in dealing with bad memories.

What about the hurt that we feel over those bad memories? Will that ever go away? If we keep mulling the past over in our mind, it will be like a sore we pick at that never heals. We need to attend to a sore with the proper treatment and allow it to heal. It’s the same principle with bad memories. We need to acknowledge the facts, the truth about our own actions, and then move forward with positive steps that we take to actively work on our recovery.

In short, we will be creating new memories, scenarios of what we do today to promote and solidify our recovery. It helps to create goals that we strive to achieve, levels of accomplishment we will then actively work toward and that will strongly motivate us to act now, today. We should always have something new that we look forward to doing each day, some activity that will help further our progress toward achievement of a desired goal.

That way, we won’t be living in the past or worrying that we cannot change. Of course we can change. We already have. We chose to live in sobriety. We are creating our own path in recovery. That’s a good thing. In fact, it’s a great thing, and a very effective way of dealing with bad memories.

I was a few months out of college and just back from Italy where I’d studied Italian for a few months. I was now looking for my first job. I was rooming with two childhood friends in NYC.

My drinking was really escalating at the time. One night I really got into it with my friend – my best friend – and she confronted me about drinking.  I cried and blubbered. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen the next day, and all that crying meant more than the usual number of drinks, so I was really hung over and a bit shaky.

I had a job interview. Yikes.

Of course I couldn’t cancel the interview and say I was sick – I always made a point of keeping up appearances and that would have meant admitting I drank too much. I showed up, puffy eyes and all, and explained that I’d had an allergic reaction.  They asked me to take a typing test.  I was a little offended – my ego ugh – I got an Ivy League education only to have to show how fast I can type? But oh well, I type about 110 words a minute, so no biggie.

Except you try typing at any decent clip when you are a bit shaky and your eyes are almost swollen shut.

I think I did about 40 words a minute with 10 errors.

Needless to say the interview was over at that point. Even 25 years later I can clearly hear her say, "There’s really no point in continuing."

I called the agency that had gotten me the interview and they asked me, rather dumbfounded, why didn’t I call them to reschedule becuase I was sick.

Uh. Didn’t even occur to me. I HAD to show up. Cancelling would have sent a bad signal. Oh, so showing up looking hungover didn’t send a bad signal?

Seemed smart at the time.

Ivy can be a good thing if those branches reaching out cover up an ugly wall, but they are also a problem, especially certain types of ivy. They can damage the wall, even the foundation upon which its built. They find their way into cracks and crevices, exploiting the weaknesses in the wall.

So if there a bad ivy growing on  your wall?  Did you decide that a principle that kept you sober for the last five years isn’t really that important?  Have you started hanging around with people who abuse drugs and alcohol because you feel you are strong enough to resist? Are you really strong enough to resist?

Bad ivy can manifest itself in many ways, through changes in attitudes – more sullen or resentful – or through changes in behavior – more reclusive and insular. You can always cut back ivy, but unless you get to the roots, it’s tenacious stuff, weaving its way back across your life with little regard for where it goes.

We know when we’re letting bad old thoughts creep back in. We start to feel more impatient. We start to resent our friends and family and employer. We begin to avoid people who aren’t validating our negativity, and we gravitate people who are letting us know it’s ok to hate everything because everything really is an awful mess.

So if this describes your sobriety, maybe its time to dig down deep and figure out what is really going on. Is sobriety still at the top of your list of priorities?