One thing we know for certain is that we don’t want to travel down the road we did before in our addiction. That may contribute to our underlying fear of relapse. The truth is, however, that fear is not conducive to healing. We need to learn to be more self-confident in our abilities so that we have a reservoir of strength and resilience – and will be less likely to fall into relapse.

That said, it is still true that relapse is a possibility. This is usually more prevalent during the first three months of recovery, when we are still getting our feet solidly on the ground and beginning to work the 12-Steps with the help of our sponsor. A crisis may set us off, and unable to deal with it in a positive manner, we may slip back into our old habits. We may reach for the bottle and seek to erase the pain or the stress that way. Or we may smoke a joint, pop a few painkillers or do some other drug that had been our way out before we got clean.

Just because we slip, it doesn’t mean that we are doomed to fall back into full-on addiction. Obviously, something went wrong somewhere. Maybe we got a little lazy and didn’t keep our coping mechanisms ready. Perhaps we thought we could be around the people, places, or things that we associated with our addiction and that we’d come away unscathed. That could be a lesson for us, if we learn from what didn’t work.

Take out our list of things to do when cravings and urges occur, what worked before when we felt lonely and tired and ill-equipped to deal with stress. These are the things that we need to do more of, more often. Be creative. Blend some techniques together and see how these work. If what we did was not effective in the least, kick that coping strategy to the curb. It shouldn’t be in our recovery toolkit.

Talk with our 12-step sponsor and have a real heart-to-heart about what’s gone down in our lives. We have gone through a great deal thus far to earn our place in recovery. We surely want to remain clean and sober and our sponsor can help us with encouragement and perhaps some constructive guidance based on experience. Re-affirm our commitment to sobriety with our loved ones as well, and ask for their continuing support as we work through this rough patch.

Do not live in fear of relapse. There’s strength in learning how to conquer relapse. Better yet, in learning how to live in recovery so that relapse is not part of our path.
 

Stop and Think First

Of course, the first thing you need to do is stop and think about what’s going on in your life that’s causing you to feel like you absolutely have to pick up that drink, do drugs, go out and gamble, or engage in other addictive behavior. There has to be some underlying motivation, a reason that you have begun to feel this way. It isn’t all in your head. If you sit down and analyze what’s been going on in your life recently, you should be able to identify the triggers.

Maybe this harkens back to what you learned in rehab, or maybe not. Some in recovery didn’t have the ability to go into formal treatment and are struggling to maintain sobriety on their own. Still, a brief refresher in learning how to recognize triggers is probably in order.

In essence, a trigger is any person, place or thing that you associate with your past addictive behavior. That could be someone from work that keeps hounding you to go out with the gang for drinks after work, or it could be a building or street you pass by where you used to hang out and do drugs. For compulsive gamblers in recovery, the sound of slot machines on the TV ads for casinos could put them in a precarious state of mind. Alcoholics may have jangled nerves just hearing the clink of ice cubes in a glass or seeing others consume drinks at family or other get-togethers.

Have you been putting in long hours at work? You may be exhausted, or filled with stress trying to meet deadlines, or trying desperately to make up for lost time. Any of these can be triggers that arrive unannounced and threaten to derail your sobriety.

Make a list of what you come up with. This is important because, as you know, you can’t do anything about a situation until you know what you’re dealing with. Put everything down, even if you think it’s not that important. In recovery, you can’t take anything for granted. Once you have your list, you can start being proactive about how to handle these stressors and triggers.

Next up is ranking or prioritizing what you’ve put down on your list of triggers and stressors, or situations that have occurred that are making you crazy and fearful that you’re about to relapse. How do you assign them a ranking? What goes in first place as the biggest obstacle or challenge? That’s not too hard to figure out. It’s what you think about all the time or what consumes the most of your thoughts on a daily basis.

Maybe you’ve lumped several things together, or find that you’re thinking about more than one at any given time. That’s why it’s important to list things separately, to allow you to differentiate between them. One way to put some distance between them is to think of them as people, places and things (the triggers). Trying to be a little objective about this may be difficult, but if you keep at it you will be able to separate them out.

Obviously, whatever is in the number one to five spots are the most troubling triggers. These are the ones you’ll need to concentrate on and work to overcome.

Seek Help from Your 12-Step Sponsor

Don’t feel like you have to figure this out on your own. The reason you have a 12-step sponsor is to help you navigate the tough times in early recovery. That’s what your sponsor has signed on for, to be available to you when you need advice and counsel. Actually, sponsors have been where you are now at one point or other in their own recovery. Who better to listen to what’s troubling you and give you the benefit of their experience? In fact, your 12-step sponsor is your lifeline to maintain your sobriety. Sure, he or she can only provide understanding, support, and some recommendations. It’s up to you to follow through and act to maintain your sobriety. But it is a lifesaver to have such an ally always available to you.

In a similar manner, your fellow 12-step group members can be a tremendous aid to your efforts to overcome triggers and keep from relapsing. They, too, have felt the pressures and learned what works best for them to maintain their sobriety. Maybe some of their tips and strategies will help you figure out what may work the best for you. When you’re desperate, just knowing that others have been through this before and utilized strategies that proved successful is a great motivator.

It isn’t that you’re copying what others have done. After all, every person’s recovery is different. You may try a technique that others swear by and not achieve the same results, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile. Maybe try combining it with something you’ve used in the past that worked before – although it’s not working as well now. It’s possible that the combination will be more effective together than either one alone. This is how great discoveries are made – trial and error.

What you are doing by seeking the help of your 12-step sponsor and fellow group members is adding to your recovery toolkit. This is essentially an extension of the coping strategies and techniques you first encountered during rehab and in discussions with your counselor.

Bottom line: Whenever you feel like you aren’t going to be able to overcome your desire to drink or do drugs or slip back into any addictive behavior, reach out and ask for help. It’s the best first thing you can do in your proactive approach to overcoming the slide toward relapse.

Filling your days with increased attendance at 12-step meetings is one way to combat the slip-sliding feeling. Another is to take a few days off, if at all possible, and get away from what’s causing all this stress to begin with. Of course, not everyone has the luxury of doing this, but even if it’s a weekend, it’s important to devote some time to remove yourself from your everyday surroundings that are contributing to your fear of relapse.

What should you do during this so-called break? This is really up to you, based on your personal circumstances and family dynamic. If you feel that you need to involve yourself in spiritual reawakening, perhaps some time meditating or talking with your Higher Power (as you know it) is in order. Maybe being with family doing things together will help you restore your sobriety equilibrium and calm your fears of relapse.

If your job or home surroundings are the major stressors contributing to your feeling that you’re about to slip, you may need to consider a more permanent break. But this isn’t something that you should jump into without professional help. If you still have counseling available as part of your continuing care or aftercare following rehab, now is an excellent time to go in for more one-on-one therapy. What’s important here is being able to look at your situation objectively and without prejudice. That is, a professional can help you figure out some alternate means of dealing with what’s going on in your life and make recommendations based on your individual circumstances.

Reconnect with Family

Have you distanced yourself from your loved ones recently, feeling that you need to handle what’s bothering you on your own? Maybe you’re afraid that if you let your spouse or partner know you’re experiencing difficulties coping that he or she will somehow judge you or become a nag. In some cases, that may prove true, but not if you’ve set up your communications with your spouse/partner to be honest and candid. When you are able to open up to your loved ones about what you’re dealing with and ask for their support, you’re much more likely to get such understanding when you need it. And when you feel yourself slip-sliding away is definitely the time to ask for their support.

For some in recovery, family is not waiting around at home. Some have family members in distant locations or may be estranged from the family as a result of their past addictive behavior. Some may have no family at all remaining. What can you do when you have no family members to turn to? How can you reconnect with family then?

Even those who don’t have any family around may have others that serve as a kind of pseudo-family. Perhaps there are some extended family members that you can connect with that will at least serve to reaffirm your place in the lineage. You don’t have to pour out all your troubles to them all at once. That will probably scare them off, especially if they haven’t been close to you and don’t know anything about addiction and recovery. But you can establish contact and look for ways to stay in touch with them in the months and years to come. This is important to give you a sense of belonging, of acceptance.

The more you interact with family, the more you extend yourself to be a loving and caring family member, the better off you will be when it comes to being able to overcome the occasional tendency to come close to relapse.

Many times what happens is that people in recovery – especially early recovery – lock themselves away and are too much by themselves. All kinds of worrisome thoughts can plague someone who’s by himself all the time. The very walls seem to start closing in and there’s nothing to stop the incessant thoughts that threaten to drive you to drink – literally.

Well, it doesn’t have to be this way. An effective way to counter this is to get out of the house and do something that’s on your recovery list. Go to a meeting. Get involved helping others in the neighborhood or take up a class to improve your skills and possibly help you obtain a better or different job. Take up a hobby. Engage in vigorous physical exercise, either at a gym or during recreational activities.

When you occupy yourself with activities that are healthy and that put you in contact with others who have similar interests, as long as there’s no drinking or drug use or other addictive behavior present, you’re helping yourself to strengthen your ability to overcome triggers that may precipitate relapse.

You’re also firming your recovery foundation, that is, you’re helping to build upon the healthier lifestyle that will continue to serve you well as you progress in recovery.

Celebrate your Accomplishments

Too often when people stumble – or feel they are about to – they neglect to look at the accomplishments they’ve already made. It’s important to celebrate such wins for a couple of reasons. The obvious one is that accomplishments make you feel better about yourself and your capabilities. But there’s more to it than that. When you look at the length of time you’ve maintained your sobriety – however long that is, whether it’s a week or two years – you have a sense of increased self-esteem and a boost in your self-confidence. It’s like filling up the glass, a glass that never ends. There’s always room for more, and you can see by the rising water level that you’ve already come a long way.

Naturally, you will most likely celebrate sobriety milestones – the first 30-, 60-, 90-days, and so on – with chips you receive in your 12-step groups. This is more than just token acknowledgement. It is well-deserved recognition and support you receive from your fellow group members. Take it one step further and discuss how far you’ve come with your sponsor and work out things that you may wish to tackle in the future – all part of your evolving recovery plan.

You can also celebrate your accomplishments in recovery by having small family get-togethers, much like birthday or holiday observances. In this instance, however, such celebrations are focused on your recovery – and this is a testament to how much your recovery means not only to you but also to everyone in the family.

Just be sure that your celebrations are free of alcohol and drugs and don’t feel self-pressure to make any big speeches. Think of these celebrations as a way to be kind to yourself, share your accomplishments with others, and bask in the recognition of your hard work in sobriety.

Thinking of how far you’ve come may also bolster your resolve and galvanize your motivation to combat feelings of slip-sliding away.

Everyone Goes Through It

There’s no denying that when you feel overwhelmed by thoughts of relapse that you tend to think it’s something unique, that no one else could possibly understand what you’re going through. But the truth of the matter is that everyone in recovery struggles with these thoughts at one point or another. Such fears and uncertainties are very common, especially in early recovery.

That’s why it’s so important for you to interact with your 12-step sponsor and fellow group members. Their experiences and stories can not only provide you with ideas how you can handle such feelings, but their support is another layer – a group one, at that – that contributes to your feeling of being able to handle your current situation.

In the end, recovery is a process and an ongoing journey. There’s no telling when something or someone from the past will pop up, or you encounter a situation where your thoughts are drawn to using again. Keep your list of triggers handy, along with a written prescription – if you will – of techniques and strategies to deal with them. Be flexible enough so that you can switch from one technique to another if what you’re trying isn’t working.

Reach out for help from your 12-step sponsor and family. Be with others. Keep busy. Above all, do whatever you need to do to just handle today. After all, recovery experts recommend – as does 12-step philosophy – that you just focus on today. Be in the present. Work your recovery now. If you can take positive steps today, tomorrow will build on what you have already accomplished.

Slip-sliding away is just a sign that you may need to pay more attention to your recovery plan. There are many things you can do, but it’s up to you to do them. In so doing, you can give yourself the best opportunity to not only overcome feelings of imminent relapse, but also strengthen you overall recovery.

What Just Happened?

No, it’s not a movie title, but it is a good question to ask yourself. Chances are that you have only a foggy memory of what precipitated the relapse. When you’ve gone so far over the edge that the last few days or weeks are a blur, you know you’re in bad shape. Still, in order to climb back from the pit of relapse, you need to figure out what it was that drove you over the edge.

Think hard. Walk yourself back in your mind to the last thing that you remember. Don’t fret. This may take some time. Make a pot of strong coffee, cook some breakfast, and sit down afterward with a pad of paper and a pen. Yes, this involves actual writing things out.

Some words of caution: If you find yourself sitting at the table or desk – or lounging on the couch – get up and move around. Do some deep breathing exercises or run or jog in place, anything to either a) calm yourself or b) get your blood pumping. You need one or the other in order to jumpstart your sluggish brain. Either one will also help you stave off the craving to use again. Succumbing to urges is likely what got you into trouble in the first place.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Start writing whatever comes into your mind. When was the last time (day, hour) that you had a drink, took drugs, went to the casino – or all of these? Who were you with? Did you seek out the company of others you know use, whom you’ve been with in the past and thought you could get away being around again without slipping? Do you remember anything about how you felt when you took the first sip, popped the pill, snorted the powder, sat down at the blackjack table?
Write it out. Be specific. You need to pinpoint the people, places, and things that started this train wreck. That’s the only way you can begin to figure out how to start picking up the pieces.

Besides, you need to have it all down on paper so you can then begin to work out your plan to get back on track in recovery.

Look For Clues

Okay, it may be a blur. You may not be able to remember, at least not right now. In that case, your best option is to look for clues. Do you have receipts for booze you bought at the store? Are there empty bottles about the house? Dig out the charge slips from the bar or club. Those will give you the dates and times to jog your memory. Do you recognize the places as ones you used to frequent? Do you know the bartender or server well? You may want to call him or her and ask them to relate the circumstances surrounding your descent back into drinking. Do not, however, call the buddies you were with – not under any circumstances. They are the least reliable and last persons you need to either talk with or be around.
If any of this gives you the jitters and prompts you to look for a bottle (or pills or your car keys to drive back to the casino), call your 12-step sponsor immediately. Get yourself to a meeting before you can convince yourself that it’s all a waste of time and since you’ve fallen off the wagon, you might as well stay there. That’s not reason talking – it’s your addiction trying to overtake your life again.

Other clues that you can look for include drugs and drug paraphernalia in your home: needles, packets of heroin, crystal meth, bags of marijuana, bongs, pipes, and empty pill containers. Of course, tracks on your arms, legs, feet, or armpits are a dead giveaway as well. What about the state of your home? Is it tossed, full of debris, dirty, smelly, like a tornado whipped through it or you had a blow-out party? And your car, what about that? Is it dented, scraped, completely out of gas, filled with bottles and/or signs of drug use, or evidence that you’ve been to the casinos?

Look in the refrigerator. Is it completely bare – except for that bottle of vodka that you stashed in the freezer? You know – the one that’s empty. If you’ve been on a bender or at the casinos for an extended period, you probably haven’t been eating at home. If there is any food remaining in the fridge, it’s probably spoiled, moldy, or past its expiration date.
What about the mail that’s piled up? If the trash hasn’t been emptied, that’s another clue as to how long you’ve been away, so to speak.

What do you do with the clues you find? Write down as much as you can about what they tell you that you’ve been doing for the past few days or weeks.

Clean Yourself Up

Now, you need to take action. But you can’t go out of the house in your current state. Take a shower and clean yourself up.
Your brain will be telling you that what you need is a drink or to do a line or pop some pills or go back and score big at the tables. Again, that’s your addiction trying to take over – and you’ve seen how much good that’s done you.

Force yourself to get in the shower. Count to a hundred and put one foot in front of the other until you actually get in there and scrub yourself clean. Wash your hair, shave or put on make-up (or both, if appropriate), and put on clean clothes.
You should at least be presentable when you go out.

And you need to go out because there’s something very important that you need to do: go to a 12-step meeting as soon as you’re ready.

What If You Can’t Do It?

Got the shakes because it’s been a few hours since your last drink? Feel like you can’t keep from going to get another bottle or head out to the bar – even if it’s six in the morning? Yeah, you’re going through the first stages of withdrawal – and you know it’s only going to get worse from here.

Call your sponsor and ask for his or her help. You need to detox and, depending on how bad your relapse was and/or what substances you used, you need it fast. Don’t try to do this on your own. You aren’t the best judge of what’s best for you and you certainly aren’t a medical professional. Even if you are (there are plenty of doctors and nurses who get hooked, get clean, and relapse), you’re not your best at treating yourself. Medical supervision is what you need.

If you’re still drunk, you can’t get behind the wheel. This is all the more reason to call your sponsor, a close friend, or a family member to drive you to the detox facility at the hospital. If you’ve been in treatment at a residential facility before, you may need to go back in.

Take it one step at a time.

Recognize that you need help. Ask for it. Then, do what you need to do to get clean again.

After Detox, Then What?

You know the drill. After you purge the alcohol or drugs out of your system, it’s time for some serious revisiting of what and why and where – and, beyond that, what you are going to do from here.

A little – or a lot – of counseling is in order. Again, this is not something that you can figure out on your own. If you could, you wouldn’t likely be in this position of suffering a major relapse. But that’s not always the case. Everyone is different. What will do one person in may not faze another. Maybe you know full well the strategies to employ, the tips and techniques that you practiced during treatment. But when your brain chemistry has changed as a result of long-term alcohol or drug use, and if you’ve stopped taking any meds the doctors prescribed you to help ward off cravings and urges, sometimes you are powerless to stop yourself.

At least, that’s what you tell yourself as a means of explaining what happened. Hey, that’s as good a reason as any. But it’s not altogether true. You can stop yourself. You already do know that it’s possible. You did it before. You can do it again.
You just need help figuring out what may work better for you next time the cravings and urges resurface.

And, of course, they will.

What if treatment is no longer an option? What if you don’t have aftercare or continuing care as part of the treatment program you were in? There’s always counseling available. It’s a matter of figuring out how and where to get it and how much it’s going to cost you. Ask your 12-step sponsor, your doctor, or call the treatment facility you went to and find out who can help you.

Be prepared to stick with counseling for the long haul. When you’ve had a major relapse, it means that something isn’t working right for you. You may need to re-examine your commitment to sobriety. Did you think it would be easy? Did you go through treatment just to satisfy your family or your employer or someone who said you needed it? Was it court-ordered treatment that you thought you could just coast through and be done with it?

Guess what? You may need to go back into treatment for another 30 or 60 or 90 days. This time, make sure it sticks. Go into it with your eyes wide open. Admit to yourself that you didn’t give it the full attention and focus required. You didn’t honestly want to get clean and sober. Maybe now you will. You owe it to yourself to give sobriety another try.

For some people with long-term alcoholism or drug abuse, it takes more than once in treatment before they finally figure out how to live without the bottle or fix. And, beyond just living, they need to learn how to live life in joy, to be productive and fulfilled and happy.

Reach Out to Your Family

Not everyone who has a major relapse has the luxury of still having a family around. It’s also true that just because you do have a loving and supportive family that you won’t ever relapse. The truth is that relapse, just like addiction, can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter how old you are, what race, religion or nationality you are, how rich or smart you are or where you live.

But everyone needs a support network in recovery – and, especially when they suffer a major relapse. Picking up the pieces after such a big fall is simply not possible on your own.

Maybe your family is your 12-step sponsor and fellow group members. Maybe your family is your wife or partner, your children, or parents, or other close relative. It could be your best friend that has stood by you all your life – even through your darkest hours of addiction.

Whoever your family is in the real or abstract sense, reach out to them now. Tell them that you’ve had a major relapse and you want to get clean again. Be prepared for the full range of emotion – everything from sorrow to anger to grief to disbelief. Acknowledge that you made a big mistake. Beg for their support and encouragement as you do what you need to now. No, they can’t do it for you. But they are critical to your ongoing recovery. You need them in your corner.

You need all the help you can get.

Most of all, you need to find the courage or guts or determination to see it through this time. How you approach your family, the words you use, the actions you take, may help or hurt your chances to enlist their support.

It’s definitely a challenge and one that you may cringe at tackling. Maybe all you need to do is let them know what’s happened. Maybe you need them to drive you to the detox facility or the rehab center. Maybe you just need to ask them to be there for you while you go back into treatment.

Maybe they need family therapy as well. Something has obviously gone awry. If you live at home and your family members are suffering as a result of your major relapse, family therapy may be the most important way that they can help to heal and learn how to best support your recovery efforts.

When You’re Home Again

Assuming that you’ve detoxed, gone back in for treatment, are receiving counseling, have the support of your family and 12-step sponsor and group members, now that you’re back home again, there are things you know you need to do to sustain your recovery.

Just in case you’re unsure, here’s a reminder list:

• Establish a routine. – It’s important that you ensure stability in your life by establishing a routine that accounts for every hour of the day. You need to create a schedule for what you should be doing from the time you get up until you go to bed. Allocate time for meetings and work and meals and recreation. Don’t leave any gaps. Idle hours allow your brain to work overtime at figuring out ways to sneak back into using. Routines and schedules are simple and basic ways to keep you on the right path.

• Take care of yourself. – It goes without saying that you need to pay attention to your health. While you were in relapse, you may have developed other medical conditions or had ones already existing get worse due to lack of care. You need to make sure you’re eating well-balanced, nutritious meals three times a day. Be sure you get adequate sleep. Be aware of and schedule periods of vigorous exercise. Taking care of yourself means you take the appropriate action to ensure that you’re never too hungry, tired, stressed out, or overly emotional.

• Redouble your attendance at meetings. – You may need to go to meetings morning, noon, and night for a while. In order to get yourself re-acclimated to recovery and what works best for you, one of the things you need to do is to be around people who’ve been through relapse themselves. This support network – your 12-step group – is comprised of individuals who not only understand what happens during relapse, but also afterwards, when you’re trying to come back. You may think you’ve heard it all before, but you really haven’t. It’s one thing to listen to others’ stories of relapse and recovery. It’s another thing entirely to go through it yourself. Maybe now the words you hear will have more meaning. You may just find some suggestions and techniques that will work for you – or that you can adapt to your own situation.

• Keep up counseling visits. – Just because you’ve made it through the major relapse and are back at home and work, don’t think you’re out of the woods. You should make it a practice to continue visits with your therapist or counselor. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which you may have had during treatment, may be recommended for you now. With CBT, your therapist helps you change the way you think and believe and learn how to behave in healthier ways.

• Get involved with a hobby or learn something new. – Stimulate your mind by getting involved with a hobby or learning something new. There are many things that you can do in this regard. Take up woodworking or cabinetry. Learn how to fly-fish and join a club that goes out on day- or week-end trips. Take up downhill or cross-country skiing. Join a gym or a hiking group or off-road adventure club. Go back to school to pursue a degree, finish a degree, or just take classes in something that interests you. By engaging your mind, you’re firing up new brain cells to take the place of those that may have been damaged due to addiction. Besides, when you’re involved in a hobby or learning something new, you’re being creative. You’re helping yourself to grow. And with growth comes hope. With hope, you have the ability to create new dreams, new goals, and a new future.

• Forgive yourself. – Get over the fact that you relapsed. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. After all, you’re human. You’d do the same for your fellow group member or a loved one if they experienced the same type or similar problem, wouldn’t you? The same thing applies to you. When you forgive yourself, it doesn’t mean you excuse what happened. It means that you take responsibility for the things you said and did – and are taking steps to learn how to live a healthier life.

• Be grateful for the opportunity. – Sometimes when people relapse, they find new meaning in their lives in recovery. It may take you hitting bottom again before you finally realize that this is your one life to live. How you live it is very much up to you.
 

There is no right or wrong about relapse. It just is. But it is also incumbent upon you to learn from what happened and thank God or your Higher Power or power of self or nature or whatever entity you choose for the opportunity to learn from this episode. Seize the day. Begin your journey of self-discovery. Rebuild hope. Envision your future according to your dreams. Find fulfillment, joy, and love. Live.

Many people who relapse will say they were caught off guard, but the truth is, if you know the warning signs you can proactively move away from relapse and deeper into your recovery.  Over the last two and half decades of sobriety, I have seen some typical patterns that occur before a relapse.

1. Hostility toward what they see as “rules” and absolutism, and then become an absolutist

The Big Book makes it clear that they are giving suggestions, but whether a group gets off track or a person simply chooses to interpret things a certain way, some begin to grate against what they perceive as rules.  You have to make recovery work for you, so if something turns you off, find something that doesn’t turn you off.

For me, it was the problem of some meetings having an almost religious quality to them. I was turned off by the dogmatic, church-like atmosphere.  However, I was diligent in trying dozens and dozens of meetings until I found some that did not have that pervasive feeling of almost being a religious revival meeting.  I found a place I could call home.

Some people find the more religiously inclined meetings appeal to them more – so they go to those meetings.

If you just go to a few different meetings and give up, you are most definitely missing those meetings that can help you.  Be diligent.   Understand that groups are just people, and people tend to gravitate toward what appeals to them. So you do the same thing.

Another thing to consider: just because other people are dogmatic, doesn’t mean you can’t get something out of a group. There are all sorts of situations in life where you don’t agree completely with those you have to interact with, but you make it work. Maybe you don’t like a few of your co-workers, but you like some other co-workers. You don’t quit your job; you gravitate toward like-minded people.

The danger of getting all riled up over absolutists, is it tends to make you an absolutist.  You become inflexible and hostile. That’s no way to stay sober.

2. Getting wrapped up in destructive thinking

Far be it from me to say it’s easy to get out of a cycle of destructive thinking. I’m the queen of it. However, over the years I have developed some strategies to cut the cycle short.  Whereas once upon a time I could fall into a funk for weeks and months, I’ve learned how to tell myself to snap out of it and try something new.  Maybe that means exercising more or finally calling that friend who’s been trying to have lunch with me for weeks.  It defintely means not wallowing and isolating.

It’s a lot easier to stop a cycle of destructive thinking if you catch it early. Sometimes that means a little self-talk.

“Oh Oh. I’m getting depressed. What’s going on? I feel stuck!”

Sometimes just verbally acknowledging the attitude is enough to move you into solutions. Maybe you are hanging around too much with depressed friends.   I know in my first year of sobriety, I had two other newcomer pals who were, frankly, depressive people. At one year we planned a trip together for our anniversary. Just before the trip, they told me I was too depressing so I wasn’t invited. I was hurt, but it was a wake up call. My first reactions was, “I’m depressing? Have you heard yourself talk lately?”  But then I thought, gosh, if THEY think I’m depressing I must be a freaking nightmare to be around. Who wants to be a nightmare to be around?  Ironically, they both relapsed the week of their first anniversary, whereas I kicked myself in the butt and said, “Cut it out! Stop moping! Live your life!”

In fact, I ended up being eternally grateful that they kicked me out of the club.

3. When a doctor offers you meds for anxiety or insomnia you don’t bother to tell him you’re a recovering alcoholic or addict

I have seen this happen time and time again.  Someone gets some anxiety in recovery, they go tell a new doctor, the doctor pulls out the prescription pad.  They don’t tell their doctor they have a history of drug abuse or alcoholism. They are happy to get a “legitimate” mood changer.

It’s only a matter of time before that Xanax turns into Klonopin, then turns into a drink.  It’s inevitable.

In one case, I saw this happen to a guy with 15 years sobriety. It took five more years, but he ordered a drink when he was anxious on a flight.  His first drink in 20 years, but certainly not his first slip.  That “first drink” resulted in him being taken off the plane in a wheelchair.

I like doctors who, when they hear you have insomnia, ask you to change your lifestyle. How much caffeine are you drinking? What do you do in the hours before bedtime? Do you watch TV to fall asleep? Are you getting enough exercise? What are you doing to reduce stress?

If the first thing the doctor does is pull out a prescription pad, I find a new doctor.

Prescriptions drugs might seem like legitimate ways to get high, but they are getting high nonetheless.

Now, I am not a doctor – I would never pretend to diagnose someone with mental illness.  I just say, beware – if you are being treated for a legitimate chemical imbalance like bipolar disorder or have severe clinical depression, there are medications that can help that do not make you high. There’s a big difference between treating a chemical imbalance and trying to numb your feelings.

In all honesty, we know when we are treating an illness and when we are just trying to get high.  If you are lying to yourself about your motives, you are likely on the verge of relapse.

4. Start telling yourself you are different (again)

Of course we are different. We cannot drink alcohol like normal people.  But you know what I’m talking about- that terminal uniqueness that meant the rules didn’t apply to us.  Recovery and the steps can help us become healthier and bring us back into society as caring people rather than selfish people, but that little voice that says we are different is ready to jump in at any moment.

In terms of relapse, that voice might start to say, “Wow. You haven’t even thought about a drink in 20 years.  Not that hard! Maybe I wasn’t an alcoholic after all? I mean, I was really immature back then. I had a lot of financial stress back then. My life is so awesome now.  Maybe I would be okay and drink in moderation now?  Maybe I’m different from all those really hard-core alcoholics who end up a big mess when they start drinking again.”

This can happen at 2 years, 10 years, 30 years – time can be the enemy rather than your friend, especially if you use time to rationalize pre-sobriety behavior.

You aren’t different. Believe it. If you start drinking again your life will not be so awesome.

Frankly, if you weren’t an alcoholic, you wouldn’t even be thinking about it. A guy with peanut allergies doesn’t think, “Oh I haven’t had a reaction in 10 years because I’ve avoided peanuts, maybe the allergy is cured – let’s eat some Planter’s and see!”

5. You get involved with really negative people and bad relationships

You are enormously influenced by the company you keep. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can hang out with drug addicts and not use drugs eventually. Don’t decide to move in with your six-pack-a-day boyfriend and think at some point  you won’t feel weakness and maybe have just one. Don’t lie to yourself and that that you can marry that gal who is “only a casual marijuana smoker,” but she’s smoking hot, so you will just avoid her when she’s sparking up a doobie.

It isn’t just drug users and heavy drinkers you have to avoid – avoid people who are manipulative and controlling. Watch out for signs of abusive behavior – which can be simply someone who belittles you.

Many people in recovery have some history of emotional or physical abuse or neglect. So for some perverse reason, we can find ourselves attracted to people who will treat us like garbage.  Makes sense in a weird way – it’s what we grew up with maybe, so we are used to it. It feels familiar. If we tend to belittle ourselves, it’s always a little more acceptable to let someone else treat us like garbage.

Bad relationships are one of the fastest ways to head toward a relapse.  Emotional pain in normal day-to-day life can be challenging enough, but add in a person who works us up on a regular basis, and we are flirting with disaster.

If you are healthy, you choose healthy relationships. If you are choosing really unhealthy relationships, it should be a wake up call that something is not right.

If you recognize yourself in any of these five scenarios, you’ve taken the first step in getting beyond them: you are being honest with yourself.  Now, call your sponsor.

Why are feelings so hard for us to take? Is it genetic or environmental? Why do other people seem so comfortable with their feelings?

I wish I could give an easy answer, but I think it’s very complex, and I can only talk about my own experience.

Feelings were not particularly welcome in my home.  If you were sad, you were a sour puss. If you were happy, you were hyper. I also had a father who personalized everything, so your feelings were a reflection on him.  If you had a bad day and your face reflected that, my father interpreted it as an indictment of him. We didn’t appreciate how hard he worked. We were spoiled and selfish.

So what lesson did I take away from that?  Basically, feelings were bad. They were overwhelming. They ruined everything. But it’s not normal to not have feelings, sometimes really strong, visceral feelings. It’s really pretty hard not to have them unless you are a sociopath. So what to do with these dangerous feelings that triggered my father to go into a rage?

Find a way to mute them.

I started with food. And believe me, that wasn’t easy. My mother was obsessed with what food we ate, so we didn’t have treats or the like in the house. We got donuts twice a year on a Sunday after church.  But it didn’t take long for me to discover that sugar makes you feel better.  I certainly wasn’t conscious that I was squelching feelings, only that I really wanted carbs – and I’d do what I could to get around my mother to get them.  In kindergarten that meant making sure I got extra helpings of macaroni and cheese.  At home, that meant searching my dads jacket pockets for change so I could sneak over to the 7-11 and get some M&Ms.

I discovered alcohol pretty early as well. I’d ask my dad if I could taste his scotch or wine. I’d be allowed a tiny sip.  I was enamored immediately.  My mother also thought hot toddies were a great way to get me to settle down at night when sleeping seemed to evade me.  A little brandy in warm milk and off to sleepy land.

I remember the prized bottle of paragoric in the cabinet. My dad was a doctor, so he kept it around as a remedy for the runs. I think I almost wanted to get diarrehea so I could get a teaspoon of the medicine. It’s an opiate. It tasted like licorice. It made me feel all warm and safe.

With this kind of history, it seems almost inevitable now that I ended up using alcohol to mute my feelings and escape the uncomfortableness of strong emotions.

In sobriety, I don’t have that option. I have to feel my feelings. Ugh.

I’ve been fortunate in my almost 24 years of sobriety that I haven’t been tempted to have just a little – but I certainly know why smoeone would be. Feelings are rather inconvenient at times. In those two decades I’ve felt some that were utterly devastating. I have felt feelings that literally caused physical pain in my head, my heart, my stomach. But for some reason, I didn’t give in.

I think because I truly, at the deepest level, know it didn’t do anything for me when I did use alcohol.I didn’t really get rid of feelings, I just felt depressed and miserable – one note, all the time. 

It’s important to recognize it if you are having a feeling you want to squelch, because that can be the first step toward temptation if you don’t.  Knowing that you are fighting natural feelings alerts you to the possibility you will try something to get rid of them: if not drink, maybe spend money or eat a pint of ice cream.

Funny, though, the feelings come back. So you have a choice to make: feel the feelings and work through them, or keep kicking them down and getting kicked in the butt again and again.