No one likes the feeling of being rejected, but when you’re in recovery, having others reject you is a double whammy. Not only are you struggling to hold on to your newly-found sobriety, but you are tentatively trying to resume a normal life – with all the stresses that entails. No wonder you feel frustrated, upset, disappointed, and uncertain when you come face to face with someone giving you the cold shoulder. Before you give up your efforts at interacting with others, try some of these tips on how to deal with rejection in recovery.

1. Don’t Take it Personally: People say and do some pretty thoughtless things without really meaning to. Chances are, when someone rejects you it has nothing to do with who you are. The other individual is most likely dealing with his or her own troubles and daily concerns. A flip remark, not giving you visual recognition, or even comments that you deem to be caustic and supremely negative, may not be at all what the other person intends. They probably wouldn’t believe they offended you if you challenged them on it. It just so happens that when you are in recovery, you’re likely to be a bit overly sensitive to others’ remarks – especially in the first weeks and months of your new sobriety.

Of course, advising you to not take it personally is easier said than done. Here’s what to do when you hear words or see behavior that seems to indicate someone is rejecting you. Tell yourself, “This is not about me or my worth as a person.” Will just saying this to yourself change the fact that the remark/behavior happened? No, of course it won’t. But what it will do is give you a different perspective on the situation. Instead of internalizing the rejection, you push the rejection away from you. It does not affect you because you do not allow it to enter your mindset. Again, this is easier said than done, especially if the words/behavior is particularly noxious or happens in front of others. But, give it a try. And, remember that no one except you and those closest to you really know the struggles and issues you’ve been dealing with during treatment and recovery. They cannot possibly appreciate what you’ve had to overcome – unless they’ve actually been there. Even then, you may hear/see rejection from others in recovery. No one is immune to saying or doing thoughtless things. Don’t take it personally and you’ll be that much further along in your recovery.

2. Say Something Kind in Return: Nothing defuses a situation like kindness. If someone makes a comment that rejects you or what you have to say or your contributions or work, instead of lashing out with a bitter or harsh retort, say something kind. What will this get you? For one thing, you’ll probably surprise the other person. First of all, they won’t be expecting it. Second, it will cause them to think about what they just said to you. They may even say something like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean that. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.” On the other hand, they may not say anything, being embarrassed or too caught up in whatever they’re involved in. They may just walk away. But you will still have made a positive out of a negative and turned the rejection away from you.

3. List Your Positive Attributes and Achievements: Suppose your rejection has to do with being passed over for a promotion, not getting the job you applied for, or being ignored and not invited to a social gathering of your friends. Instead of stewing over the perceived rejection, sit down and make a list of your positive attributes and achievements. How can this help ease the sting of rejection? When you take the time to inventory the good things about you, it means that you are focusing your attention on the positive aspects of yourself – instead of dwelling on the negatives.

It doesn’t matter what form the rejection takes, this tip still has merit. List things like your cheerfulness, willingness to tackle tough assignments, diligence in completing projects, willingness to listen to and help others, compassion, empathy, and so on. Also list achievements you have amassed. These could include various degrees, specialized training, travel to various domestic and international locations, awards you have received and other forms of recognition. By making such a list you are not engaging in self-glorification. You are making an honest assessment of what’s good and right in your life. These positive attributes and achievements should help you overcome the rejection you may have experienced or at least soften the sting.

4. Get Busy with Other Projects: The last thing you want to do when you believe you are being rejected is to hang around and get kicked some more. That’s like asking for punishment, and only someone who wants to persist in feeling persecuted would do that. The quickest way out of feeling rejected is to get busy with other projects. Certainly you have a lot of things on your to-do list in recovery. Attend your 12-step group meetings. Work on your coping strategies. Think of new goals and put them in your long-term recovery plan. Devise action steps to help you accomplish those goals.

Getting busy with other projects can also involve going back to school, getting involved in a hobby, meeting new people, giving back by volunteering at 12-step meetings or functions, helping out a neighbor in need, painting the house, cleaning out the garage. In short, there are countless different tasks you could busy yourself with. Don’t just sit around. Start in on something you want or need to do. That will give you direction and focus and take your mind off the rejection.

5. Use Up Your Energy: You’ve undoubtedly heard about the benefits of vigorous physical exercise during your time in treatment for addiction. Well, strenuous physical exercise in recovery is a terrific way to constructively deal with negative emotions – such as rejection. What happens when you pursue an exercise regimen, sporting or recreational activity – even working in the garden or around the house – is that you are burning calories, increasing your cardiovascular strength, and, in general, doing something that’s good for your health. In addition, strenuous physical activity has the added benefit of releasing endorphins, the body’s feel-good natural chemical. That’s why, after a workout, you feel bodily fatigue – but in a good way – and you feel good emotionally – which always helps lift your mood.

Does it matter what kind of physical activity you engage in? In terms of using up your energy (okay, you’re not really using it up, you’re just being active for the purpose of doing something positive for your body/mind), the only thing that really matters is that you do it for a sufficient amount of time and that you exert yourself. Don’t do it to the point of collapse. Remember, moderation is the key. You never want to engage in physical activity to the point of pain. Go just to the point where you feel it, but don’t push past that threshold. Bottom line: If you feel a little tired when you finish, but you also feel exhilarated as a result of your workout, you’ve achieved the right result. Another benefit is that you most likely won’t be thinking about being rejected any longer.

6. Talk with Your 12-Step Sponsor: Sometimes rejection is just too hard to process by yourself. Along with all the other challenges and daily stresses and tension you experience in early recovery, rejection – real or perceived – could be a crushing blow that causes you to relapse. You definitely don’t want this to happen. One way to forestall such a slip is to talk with your 12-step sponsor. He or she has committed to being there for you every step of the way, and will listen to whatever you have to say. When you’re feeling down after being rejected, meet with or call up your sponsor and discuss what happened. It’s always valuable to get another person’s perspective on situations that you’re too close to. And your sponsor is just that individual. Not only does he or she understand the feeling of rejection in recovery, but also how to process and overcome it.

Listen to the suggestions your sponsor comes up with, or, together, the two of you can brainstorm how you can best deal with rejection in the future. Whether it’s a particular individual or a situation that caused the rejection, having someone else work with you to create a positive plan of action to deal with such situations is an effective strategy.

7. Show the Love: What is it that makes the world go ‘round? It’s love, and, in this case, showing the love is another way to deal with feelings of rejection in recovery. It isn’t that you have to love the person that rejected you, although in the religious sense, that is what is generally recommended. Rather, show your love to those whom you care for most: your family and closest friends. By demonstrating your love you are putting your positive foot forward and giving of yourself. This counteracts and helps dissipate the negative emotion of rejection.

If you have any doubt that showing the love will reap positive rewards, just think how delighted a small child is when you do something unexpected and nice for him or her. Buy an inexpensive present for your son or daughter, or the neighbor’s child who’s ill, or give to a children’s charity. It’s more than the thought that counts. By giving of yourself, or your time, or kind words, you are showing love for another human being. Love begets love, and it’s all positive. What better way to assuage the sting of rejection?

8. Lift Your Spirits: Do something that you find enjoyable. Go out and have fun! When you’re laughing and having a good time with your family and/or close friends and trusted co-workers, you’re not mulling the recent rejection over and over in your mind. In fact, when you’re having fun, you’re fully engaged in something positive and healthy. Go out to the movies or to dinner or participate in a recreational or sporting event. Attend a concert or help clean up the local parks or get involved in a 10K run. The list is endless.

What’s fun for you? Come up with a few suggestions and call some friends/family members and invite them to join you. What’s stopping you? There’s no time like the present to put your plan into action.

9. Look to Your Higher Power: Suppose you’ve exhausted all your efforts and you still feel the pain of rejection. You can’t stop telling yourself how there must be some truth to the rejection. Otherwise, you say to yourself, how could the person say such things. The truth is that there are some times when everything we seem to do – even if it worked in the past – doesn’t take away the pain. Talking with your 12-step sponsor may have given you some insights and maybe you even tried a few of the strategies to no avail. It doesn’t mean they won’t work some other time. It just means they didn’t work this time. Don’t despair. In this case, look to your higher power. This could be the Higher Power you consider God, or it could be the higher power within you. Whatever your belief, give yourself over to this higher power and ask for the strength and the wisdom to pursue the right path. Ask to have the pain of rejection healed and to show you the way to deal with future rejection in a healthy and constructive manner.

10. Live Your Life with Integrity: When you live with integrity, someone else’s words and deeds that try to foist rejection on you will not be able to permeate and stick. It’s as simple as that. Being a person who lives in integrity means that you always do your best with what’s available to you. You make the best-informed decisions that you can, given the amount of information at hand. You act according to your conscience and your beliefs and value system. You give more than you expect to receive. And you forgive yourself, as well as others, for any real or perceived faults, missteps, or inconsideration.

11. Give it Time: The old saying that “Time heals all wounds” is apropos here. Over time, you won’t feel the pain of rejection as deeply as you may right now. Sure, it hurts at the moment, but you’ve got a list of constructive ways to try to deal with the pain of rejection. Go ahead and try some of them out. But give yourself the benefit of allowing some time to pass. Don’t allow what someone else has to say about you weigh on your conscience. It isn’t about your real self-worth. You know how hard you’ve been working on your recovery. That’s all that really counts. Words and actions of others aren’t what are in your tally of how you live your life.

How can you deal with rejection in recovery? Try the previously listed tips. Take what works and use it. Modify what you need to in order to have it work for you. And believe in yourself and your recovery. In the end, that’s the best way to deal with rejection in recovery.

Women throughout the civilized world have known for generations that chocolate is consumed in greater volumes dependent upon the mood and state of mind of the female. Now, it appears science is taking a closer look at this phenomenon.

A recent Science Daily release examines research conducted by a group at the University of California, San Diego School of Medicine, which found that women and men eat more chocolate as symptoms of depression increase. This finding suggests there is a real connection between mood and chocolate.

Beatrice Golomb, MD, PhD, associate professor of medicine, co-authored this study which she believes confirms the long-held suspicions that people will eat chocolate when they are feeling down. She also noted that the cross sectional style of the study did not reveal whether or not the chocolate decreased or intensified the depression.

The point of the study was to evaluate the relationship of the consumption of chocolate to mood in a study sample of adults. Researchers looked at 1,000 subjects who were not on antidepressant medications and did not suffer any cardiovascular disease or diabetes.

Study findings revealed that men and women with higher depression scores consumed nearly 12 servings of chocolate per month, while those with lower depression scores consumed roughly eight servings a month. When depression was not present at all, only about five servings were eaten each month.

Golomb believes the findings are specific to chocolate as there did not appear to be a general increase in caffeine, fat, carbohydrates or other energy intake. Researchers also found no obvious difference in the intake of antioxidant-rich foods, including fish, coffee, fruits and vegetables between individuals with depression and those who showed no signs of problems.
 

We added Lola to the household last week – an adorable black-and-white Havanese puppy.  Feeling a bit sleep deprived, and that’s not good for me!  My amazing roommate and friend has volunteered to be on night duty during work days and I take her on the weekend. She knows what I’m like when I don’t get my 8 hours!

My attitude the last week has reminded me just how important it is not to be too tired in recovery. I find my frustration level gets very, very low. I’m short-tempered, impatient, and grumpy. I think of hungry-angry-lonely-tired, tired is my biggest issue.  I have always been really careful with it and make sure I get enough sleep most of the time. Sometimes you don’t have much of a choice, however. That’s when you have to be extra aware – know that the feelings are just about being tired and not really about reality.

When I’m tired I tend to embarrass myself by having tizzy fits over the little things – things I would normally just let go.

Excuse me while I take a nap

Nothing conjures up the image of what I’m talking about here better than the phrase “snake oil” – that miracle product that will cure whatever ails you, buy one get one free, it’s the secret doctors don’t want you to know about.  It’s amazing to me that people still fall, on a daily basis, for snake oil salesman and what they’re pitching, but I know it is human nature to want that one thing, that special secret, that will fix you just-like-that.

There really isn’t any snake oil to fix addiction, although there are one or two snake oil salesman out there these days selling “cures” and saying they know something the medical docs don’t.  Everyone is lying to you! You don’t have a disease! All that research and clinical evidence? Mumbo jumbo!  I personally have figured out the SECRET to fixing you so you never have to do one more thing to stay clean and sober another day in your life! Poof! You’re sober!

We fall for snake oil because so many of us are naturally lazy.  I’m not saying this in a mean way.  I think it’s part of survival of the species. The homosapiens who needed to use the least energy to meet the basic needs of survival had more time to procreate and populate the earth.  It’s Darwin baby.   Sounds counter-intuitive but in reality, it makes perfect sense.  If one cavemen figured out how to take down wild game in a way that took a lot less energy than another cavemen, he was less likely to starve.

How many of us have bought a product because it said it would help us lose weight?  I think I bought my first “weight loss miracle (or talked my mother into one) when I wasn’t even old enough to drive a car yet, and I have still not discovered the thing that will make me miraculously thin with “No Dieting! No Exercise!”

Needless to say, it seems to be human nature to want a miracle cure that makes it “easy” to accomplish whatever we desire.  Who wouldn’t want to work from home making $100,000 the very first year? With just  computer! Well, and this $50 DVD…

Fortunately, most of us only need to be burned once (or twice) to start figuring out that there is no easy fix to life’s challenges.

Sobriety is much the same.  How many of you woke up one day after years of drinking and drugging and say, “Gee, I think I’ll go get help today!”  You went out, got a little help, and BINGO, S-O-B-E-R. No more desire for a drink. No more craving for a drug.  No more depression. No more hating your self nor resentments nor selfish behavior. Wow. That was so easy? Why didn’t I do this years ago?

Maybe there are a few people who have a cathartic experience and they get sober and stay sober, but I really doubt they just kept on living the same way they always did, happy as a lark in sobriety, without some kind of plan and program to help them do that.

Did you know that only about 5% of people who go through the effort (and those of us with the pudge know it takes effort) to lose weight actually keep it off?  The rest of us just gain and lose the same 10, 20, 50 pounds over and over and over again.

Change is hard. It takes work. You have to modify not just the actions you take, but the behaviors that led you to those actions.  That’s not something you can fix reading a book or going to treatment for 30 days. It’s a lifelong process that requires vigilance and care.

But hey, ain’t it worth it?

Kind of a depressing title, but it’s the truth – the sooner we get over the idea that life is supposed to be fair, the better off we are.  The first problem with expecting life to be fair is this: it’s sort of subjective to decide if something is fair or not.  We might think it’s not fair that the guy who’s still drinking got the job we wanted, but he certainly thinks it’s perfectly fair.

Expectations of fairness can get us into a lot of trouble, mainly because we are sure to be disappointed, and we have a tendency when disappointed to develop resentments. I know I can hold a grudge for a reaaaalllly looonggg time.  Resentment builds to a point where we then start to think it’s just not worth it – all that work and what do we have to show for it? That bum did nothing right and he got what I wanted. I work hard and do everything right…you know the rap.

I was thinking recently while obsessively watching the news coverage from Haiti about how it bothers me when someone is saved and says they had faith and that’s why they were saved. This statement presupposes that all the people dead under the rubble didn’t have enough faith. It’s based on the big old myth that life is somehow fair and if you do the right things (in some people’s minds that means belonging to the right religion or saying the right prayers), only good things will happen to you. If bad things happen to you, you must have done something wrong.  I certainly can understand the initial reaction after a horrific event, but then there are the people who use it to make pronouncements about what others “deserved.” There are plenty of public figures who try to promote this idea. One, who will remain unnamed so as not to be too controversial here, pretty much said Haiti got what it deserved for something it did 200 years ago – a sort of Old Testament sins-of-the-father wrath.

In my mind, this idea that people deserved something horrible is utter hogwash. A baby doesn’t make moral choices, and babies died in the earthquake. Sort of throws the old if-you-just-prayed-harder-or-to-the-right-god theory right out the window.

In the end, all these beliefs come down to a human longing for things to make sense, be fair, and be right. Unfortunately, the world simply doesn’t work that way.  We all know it to be true in our hearts, and we only complicate our lives when we struggle to make sense of the senseless and ascribe some hidden meaning to the random events that sometimes hurt us.  Being psychologically healthy means being realistic and accepting the limitations of being human. Sometimes that means we have to shrug our shoulders and admit, life sometimes just isn’t fair. Sometimes it isn’t fair to me. Sometimes it isn’t fair to you.