You’ve likely asked to be granted the serenity to accept things you cannot change, and the critical part of that process is recognizing those things you cannot – that’s the wisdom you ask for. Wisdom is hard to acquire if we are in chaos with our thoughts and attitudes. Wisdom comes from listening, learning from others who are succeeding, and from pausing when a decision doesn’t feel right. In what ways have you developed wisdom in recovery? Think about how you did things when you were not in recovery – have you fundamentally changed the way you handle certain situations?

I think a key to developing basic wisdom is moving away from absolutes.  When you color your day with absolute thoughts and beliefs, you are less likely to listen enough to hear something new, something that could be really helpful.

I remember reading some years ago that only a very small percent of people develop the ability to grasp how relative truth is. Your truth may seem absolute to me but be in utter conflict with my truth. How can that be?  It just is.  In my life, accepting this fact has been critical, not only for recovery but for my blood pressure (grin).

Once we understand that differences are inevitable, we become wiser. We stop trying to change other people, because, well, it’s not only not our job, it’s largely impossible.

One thing that becomes crystal clear as you move through the steps in sobriety is this: the steps are not just about staying sober one day at a time, they are about living life with integrity on a daily basis.

Most societies thrive when they have strong principles for how we interact with one another.  Judeo-Christian principles are based on the Ten Commandments, basic tenets on how to treat others and how to behave on a daily basis. The 12 Steps are, in essence, the same sort of thing – a set of guidelines for living a decent, respectable and respectful life.

In the United States we have the Constitution, which is in its own way a set of governing rules for behavior, albeit for the government, but it also impacts citizens – we are all the government in a democracy, and we cannot deny others their basic rights under the Constitution or the amendments to the Constitution just because we don’t like it.  For example, we can’t open a restaurant and refuse to serve a certain group because of their race or religion.

Consider what societies are like when they don’t have some set of guidelines for behavior. You often hear stories of the lawless regions of Pakistan, remote towns outside of government control. Some of the stories make you awfully grateful you live in a place where the rule of law reigns supreme.

To be productive, societies need a system of laws and a way to adjudicate breaches of those laws.  People are absolutely interested in Justice with a capital J.  Without justice, vigilantes might start roaming the streets.  Now the 12 steps are not laws, but they are pretty darn good suggestions, and when you structure your life according to these steps with honesty and integrity, chances are you will not be considered an a-hole by your fellow travelers. You will be considered a compassionate and self-reflective person who understands the impact their actions have on yourself and others.

I remember reading a book many years ago by Girard on the meaning of sacrifice. I’m talking about sacrifice in the ritual sense that was done in ancient societies to appease the gods or the like.  And I’m talking about human sacrifice. Eeek.  What was interesting was the theoretical argument that in pre-judicial societies sacrificial offerings became a way to control the rage of groups of people who wanted justice (the eye-for-an-eye mentality).  The sacrifice, often of a person nabbed from a neighboring village that had offended or upset them, allowed a catharsis – a release of the anger that was building to a point that could lead to war.  Essentially, they decided a human sacrifice or two was better than all-out war.

I mention this because it highlights the fact that people want justice, and that driving need compels us to create rules that are easily understand by all. Rules prevent chaos. Justice is then only necessary if someone breaks those rules.  You are less likely to break a rule if you know what the rule really is, and if you understand the potential consequences.

When we practice these principles in all our affairs we take to heart the importance of these basic principles of human interaction: we take responsibility for our behavior, we monitor our actions to ensure we are acting appropriately, we make amends when we hurt others, and we strive to develop a higher level of consciousness that is less selfish and more focused on helping others.

Imagine how differently you would approach each day if you asked yourself a series of questions at the start of the day:

When was the last time I told the people I  interact with on a daily basis, “Thank you” for some gesture, kindness, or task?

When did I last stop moving, talking, and thinking (not sleeping) and just contemplate my choices and where I’m going?

When was the last time I did something nice, with no expectation of reward, for another human being?

When was the last time I told my friend/child/spouse/significant other that I love them?

When was the last time I ate healthy all day?

When did I last say something hurtful or catty about another person behind their back? Ok, when did I last say something really nice about a person behind their back?

When did I last surprise someone with a little token of my appreciation: a card to a loved one, a flower for a friend, a cup of coffee for a co-worker, taking someone out for a nice lunch?

When did I last call my best friend, my mother, my father, my sister or brother to just say, “How’s life treating you?”

Imagine how you would plan that day if you asked yourself at least some of these questions before starting each day?

One of the easiest old behaviors to fall back into is blaming people for your problems. It’s so important to always come back to the core of every issue: what part did I play in this?  What can I do to change it? If I can’t change it, what can I do to help myself accept it?

When you take stock – just another way of saying taking inventory – you are essentially doing an assessment of your sobriety. You are not only asking the critical question: am I heading toward a drink?  You are also asking yourself: Would a healthy person in recovery act this way?  No one likes a dry drunk – all the bad behaviors just without the liquor poured over it.

Taking stock does not mean you can never recognize someone else’s culpability – clearly there are times when someone else is creating chaos and most people have encountered at least one person who seemed to be a natural saboteur.  However, when you recognize this it’s still a good idea to look at your part – did you do anything that got you tied into a person like this?  Do you find yourself attracting people who are train wrecks?  Do you stick with someone or a job or any situation long after it’s clear that it’s not good for you just because you’re afraid of change?

As long as the focus stays on ourselves we can find solutions.  When the focus is on the other person, there really is no solution because, well, we all know how well trying to change other people works.

In early recovery I eyed this step with trepidation: I already  hated myself enough so I really didn’t know if writing it down in detail was exactly a good idea. Frankly, what I learned doing this step was that one of my items was this self-criticism that was over the top.  I used this sort of “I suck” mentality as a manipulative tool at times. I was looking for reassurance, something to make me feel better about myself.  I had an excessive need for validation.

Who knows and who cares how this developed (I know actually, but no one really cares – it’s a boring, age-old tale that has been repeated over and over by countless children of alcoholics).

The truth about this moral inventory is that it cleans the slate in a way, gives you a sort of tabula rasa from which to begin anew. That’s to say I didn’t mark up that tabula rasa with all sort of new variations off my character defects, just that I consciously faced head on the things that I did that were self-defeating and made the commitment to work on them.

Have you ever noticed some people just never ever look at their behavior? Everyone else has a problem. Even if their lives are completely chaotic and miserable, they can’t see their own contribution.  Gee, sounds like an alcoholic.  But there are plenty of people without addiction who live their lives without ever examining their motives or character – in a way, our addiction forced this process upon us if we wanted to survive.  In a way, that makes us exceptionally lucky.  Living life with conscious awareness of your behavior is infinitely more rewarding than living like a giant wrecking ball with no regard for your impact on the world and your own life.

The exceptional impact of a moral inventory on character development cannot be underestimated. This process is critical to real growth in recovery. Without it, we can essentially spin our wheels on the same problems indefinitely. Not to mention the fact it’s really annoying to other people when we continue to whine and lament the same problems we create for ourselves year after year (booooor-ing!).

For me, a natural reaction to this process initially was self-pity.  Oh I am such an awful person. I’m clearly the awfullest person ever. I’m clearly a big giant mess of a human being…(insert dramatic sigh here).

Then self-pity rose to the top of the list.  I had a dramatic writing teacher once tell me: beware of writing characters who wallow in self-pity. It’s a total turn-off.  I started to think about that statement from then on when I read books, saw movies, or attended plays.  It became apparent really quickly that self-pitying characters rarely got my empathy.  They were indeed a turn-off!   As long as the character took responsibility and dealt with their struggles head on, I was engaged. As soon as it turned into a pity-fest for any length of time, I started to lose interest.

What a valuable lesson!  I used self-pity to try to get attention, when in fact it was turning people off so they would want to spend LESS time with me!

For me, this moral inventory enlightened and informed my conscious self of all the things I was doing unconsciously to sabotage relationships, success, and happiness.  It is one of the most profoundly life-changing actions one can take.