Resentments are a funny thing. They can creep up on you without much notice. You just keep allowing something to happen, or putting yourself in a certain situation, and the process starts. One day you realize you are really angry about it, and many times it feels like you are in a vicious circle you can’t work your way out of.

One great way to build resentments is to do things you really don’t want to do (and don’t have to do) because you want to seem like a nice person.  We often hear the phrase "people pleasing," and that’s exactly what this is. We do something so others will like us, but on some level we feel taken advantage of.

What can you do if you’ve created a cycle of doing things that end up making you resent someone?  First step, stop doing it. That might seem really hard if your primary goal in life is to make sure everyone thinks you are just awesome. There are ways to do it gracefully. It’s easy to say, just stop doing it, but that can be a big leap for some people. A graceful, how should we say it, extrication, might be the best way to handle it. Maybe you say yes to a friend who always needs a ride. You’ve done it over and over, and you recognize that the friend has other modes of transportation (public bus, another friend), and wonder why they always think you have nothing better to do than drive them around. 

Next time that friend asks for a ride, say you are sorry, but you can’t do it this time. You don’t have to lie and make up an excuse. Just say, I’m so sorry, I’m not available that day.  You might feel sick to your stomach if you are conditioned to always say "yes," but you will feel a heck of a lot better than you’ve been feeling if you are beginning to resent that friend.  Maybe you are okay with two rides a week – so say "yes" twice a week, and say "sorry, can’t do it," the other times she asks. She will start to recognize that you are not at her beck and call, and will likely cut back the number of times she asks (unless she’s dense and can’t get the message).

If you feel a strong compulsion to give a good reason why you can’t drive her, make plans on the days you know she normally asks. Sign up for a class or make a date with another friend.  You really don’t have to give a reason, but some people feel more comfortable doing that at first. Again, you don’t need to lie. Saying you have other plans is sufficient. If she digs around: well what else are you doing? Why can’t you drive me?  Then you will have a pretty clear picture as to what type of friend this is.

Maybe your resentment is that you make dinner every night, but always end up doing the clean up too.  You could just stop doing the clean up, but dirty dishes drive you batty. Time for a heart-to-heart.  You need to negotiate a better situation.  You could tell your spouse you are happy to make dinner, but you really need help with the clean up. If your spouse objects, you have more serious issues to deal with. Studies show women, even when they work outside the home as much as their spouses, take on the brunt of the housework.  If you let this go on, your resentment will build and it can be harmful to the relationship.

It’s important if you are building resentments that you also examine what you might be doing to make other people resent you. Sometimes looking at the other side of equation can give you perspective. Maybe the spouse who won’t do the dishes spends hours doing the lawn, fixing household problems, and walks the dog early in the morning.  You hate doing those things. Therefore, the dishes might be a trade off you can live with.  You have to recognize these possibilities to get a clear picture of whether or not your resentments are justified.

I’m only talking about road rage because it’s one of those triggers for me – some jerk who should give up his license is ruining my day! Get off the road!

But really, isn’t road rage just an expression of other issues?  Hair-trigger temper? Impatience?  You ever notice things like road rage only kick in when you are running late or you are angry at something else in your life? If you are having an a-ok day and you have all the time in the world you rarely go nuts screaming at fellow drivers, swerving around them, shooting them the bird.

I think it’s a good practice to always say to myself when I have that kind of visceral, intense reaction: what is really going on here? What am I really angry about

No, not so angry I could drink. That would be a huge mistake and would not solve anything. But I had a couple of moments today when I was angry enough to be irrational.  After getting frustrated with my expensive color laser printer not printing again, I suggested the best way to fix it might be with a hammer.

A few minutes later I though – OMG, a hammer? In the moment I said it I meant it, but of course that was a completely irrational response.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself – and I know a lot of other alcoholics feel this too – is that I have what I called LFL: low frustration level.  LFL means when something doesn’t work right or someone drops the ball or I make a mistake, I overreact.  My frustration level crescendos really, really quickly and I lash out at myself or the unfortunate object that has earned my ire.

Sometimes the only way to handle LFL is to take a deep breath and walk away – usually it only takes a few minutes to gather my wits to come up with a more rational approach than a hammer.