Let’s face it. Rejection is tough for any of us to handle. It doesn’t matter much if it’s the first time we encounter rejection or the hundredth. When it happens to us, we feel the pain. That may be because we all have an innate desire to be liked by others, or to regain their favor after we know we’ve hurt them, likely as a result of our past addictive behavior. But even the tiniest hint of rejection hurts. So, how do we deal with it?

Without sounding too philosophical, the most important piece of advice to keep in mind is that we shouldn’t take it personally. What others think and feel and say is not in our control, nor should it be. Everyone has a free will, is possessed of free speech, and is capable, for the most part, of making their own decisions.

But hearing the advice that we shouldn’t take rejection personally is one thing. Actually being able to handle the rejection in stride is quite another. This is especially true for most of us in early recovery, but it can just as easily be difficult to handle when we have had many years of effective recovery.

So, aside from not taking rejection personally, how else can we learn to deal with it? Here’s another point to keep front and center. Rejection helps us learn from our mistakes. Not all rejection is a result of ignorance. A lot of it comes through trial and error, a natural learning process by which we grow. This also applies to our efforts in recovery, and specifically during our early recovery.

When we are new to recovery, we often tend to make what we consider a lot of mistakes. We’re fresh to this sobriety lifestyle and may feel not only uncomfortable with it at first, but also uncertain what to do and when. We are likely grumpy at times, disconcerted, not up to par, whatever we want to call it, it all adds up to us not operating at maximum efficiency. We may say the wrong things, coming off harsh or insensitive. We may do the wrong things, misinterpreting our capabilities and going overboard in this or that, all with the best intentions.

When we see that we’ve made a miscalculation, our first thought should be to analyze what we did that failed to achieve the desired results. Then, make a course correction so that the next time we attempt that task or follow a particular coping strategy, for example, we’ve adjusted it to accommodate what we learned this time.

Some would call this turning failure into opportunity. What it really means is that instead of looking at rejection as a failure, we regard it as but one step in our learning process, one bit of vital instruction in our growth process, helping us heal.

But what about dealing with the pain of rejection? How can we get over that? We can talk with our sponsor and fellow 12-step group members about how they’ve successfully dealt with rejection and probably come away with some good ideas. Communicating with our loved ones and family members who are supportive of our recovery is another suggestion that can help not only with our ability to deal with rejection but also bolster our determination to keep moving forward with the work of recovery.

We know it isn’t always going to be easy. There will be challenges that may seem, at times, to be a bit overwhelming. We may be tempted to slack off in our recovery work, but that would be a mistake. We only learn by doing. And in the course of doing, we may make some mistakes. It’s all a process and we take from it what we wish. If we’re really dedicated to our recovery, we will begin to regard rejection as an integral part of our growth, one that not only makes us stronger, but also keeps us in a forward-momentum mode.

Have we ever thought to ourselves or said out loud to others statements like these? My life isn’t my own. I didn’t have a chance, given what I’ve gone through growing up. What I am today is the result of discrimination, being unfairly treated, being sexually abused, harassed, a victim of circumstances, and so on. Too much has happened in my life for me to change now. I don’t have a chance. I never did.

Naturally, we’ve all found ourselves wallowing in self-pity and despair at one point or another in our way out of addiction. Now that we’re in recovery, some of that sting may have faded away, but it may still linger, tainting our thoughts and putting a damper on our enthusiasm for maintaining our sobriety. We may still feel, deep down inside, that we are somehow less than, that we’ve been reduced to a somewhat or significant degree simply by what has happened to us.

This is a self-perpetuating lie that we have to get rid of right now. Sure, bad things may have happened to us. There’s no discounting the reality of what has happened before. But we cannot live today and make any progress in our recovery if we cling to the painful past and hold it up as some sort of excuse for why we’re either failing to act or want to act now to help strengthen our recovery.

If we were in combat and lost a limb, we could feel self-pity and wallow in hopelessness and live out our days with no prospects and little happiness. Or we could be fitted with a prosthetic, go through rehabilitation, and realize that we are so much more than just that missing limb. We do need to go through an adjustment period, to retrain ourselves and our thoughts to be better able to accommodate our new reality. But we can do it. Many thousands of returning veterans have done so.

While this military analogy may seem to have no bearing on our status in recovery, it is illustrative of the power of the mind and the will to overcome what seem to be tragic or misfortunate circumstances in our past. In other words, what has happened to us doesn’t have to diminish who we are. Yes, we have been changed by the experiences we have undergone. But it remains up to us to decide how we’ll live going forward.

Do we want to live in the shadows forever, relinquishing our hopes and dreams to realize our full potential? Maybe we won’t be a marathon runner – or, maybe we will – but we can choose other goals for ourselves, carve out a different future, perhaps one that we would never before have considered. The choice and the path, is entirely ours to decide. No one else can make those choices for us, for they aren’t the ones doing the work or living our lives for us.

We’ve all heard the somewhat miraculous stories of how ordinary people have overcome herculean odds to survive what would otherwise be certain death. The human will to live, to endure tremendous obstacles and overcome them, is unique to our species. Certainly, if any human being can rise to the occasion and summon the courage and determination to get past the bad things that happen to them, well, we can as well.

And this is within the power of each of us to do. It doesn’t require a genius IQ, or a massive bank account, or even any broad experience. All we need is the determination and the desire to live our life on our own terms, not be reduced by what has happened to us thus far. We may have encountered roadblocks, but there is always another way around it, another path we can take toward goals that we create for ourselves.

Let’s be clear about something right now: we all get angry from time to time – and that’s alright. It’s perfectly understandable, even normal, for us to feel anger over the terrible things that we have done in the past. Most of this is self-anger, shame, guilt, and remorse. But it doesn’t do us any good to dwell on that anger, let alone give into it.

Rage, on the other hand, is a deep-seated and debilitating emotion that is, in essence, anger turned decay. It is a festering and putrid emotion that threatens to destroy not only the person, but all those around him or her.

Anger we can somewhat control. We can walk away when a situation brings up anger within us. We can cope in other ways. But rage, that’s a different matter. If we see the expression of rage in another, we’re best advised to steer clear until it dissipates. That’s why no one ever got anywhere trying to reason with an alcoholic in the midst of liquor-induced rage. What can we do when it’s us who are in the grip of a fit of rage? For one thing, we can resolve to get help to learn how to understand what’s at the root of our anger and how to cope with it. A professional counselor or therapist is usually the best source for this kind of help. There’s only so much that we, ourselves, can do. We’re not the healers – but we do need to take steps to get the right help in order that we can heal.

Think of taming rage this way. It took time for the rage to build within us. It will take time for us to learn how to constructively deal with it and turn our attentions toward more healthy ways of expressing ourselves – and releasing our pent-up frustrations.
 

Many things are upsetting to us in recovery. Some of them are enough to make us quite angry. But what does anger do for us, if anything? True, being able to vent may be seen as a healthy behavior, but expressing anger is not the appropriate way to let go of troubling or distressing emotions. In fact, anger is a totally self-destructive emotion – whether it is held in or openly expressed.
 

How, then, can we overcome anger? How can we get rid of those inappopriate and self-harming thoughts that lead us to say and do hurtful things? One way is to acknowledge what it is that’s causing us to feel anger. Write it down in a list. Once we start to identify what makes us feel angry, then begin to brainstorm creative and healthy ways to move past the anger. For example, if careless drivers (like those who insist on using their cellphones and texting while driving) make us crazy, instead of laying on the horn or yelling out the window at them we can change lanes to get out of their way, take an alternate route, allow them wide berth, or turn on the radio. If we’re frequently short-tempered, maybe there’s a physical reason for it. Perhaps we should see a doctor. Anger can also be managed through deep breathing, meditation, yoga, and vigorous physical exercise.
 

Another strategy is to give yourself a minute of time-out. During this time, think of absolutely nothing (sort of like meditating). When the time’s up, go on to do something else. In this way, you’ll be overcoming anger – and proving that you can do it.
 

One great way to build resentments is to do things you really don’t want to do (and don’t have to do) because you want to seem like a nice person.  We often hear the phrase "people pleasing," and that’s exactly what this is. We do something so others will like us, but on some level we feel taken advantage of.

What can you do if you’ve created a cycle of doing things that end up making you resent someone?  First step, stop doing it. That might seem really hard if your primary goal in life is to make sure everyone thinks you are just awesome. There are ways to do it gracefully. It’s easy to say, just stop doing it, but that can be a big leap for some people. A graceful, how should we say it, extrication, might be the best way to handle it. Maybe you say yes to a friend who always needs a ride. You’ve done it over and over, and you recognize that the friend has other modes of transportation (public bus, another friend), and wonder why they always think you have nothing better to do than drive them around. 

Next time that friend asks for a ride, say you are sorry, but you can’t do it this time. You don’t have to lie and make up an excuse. Just say, I’m so sorry, I’m not available that day.  You might feel sick to your stomach if you are conditioned to always say "yes," but you will feel a heck of a lot better than you’ve been feeling if you are beginning to resent that friend.  Maybe you are okay with two rides a week – so say "yes" twice a week, and say "sorry, can’t do it," the other times she asks. She will start to recognize that you are not at her beck and call, and will likely cut back the number of times she asks (unless she’s dense and can’t get the message).

If you feel a strong compulsion to give a good reason why you can’t drive her, make plans on the days you know she normally asks. Sign up for a class or make a date with another friend.  You really don’t have to give a reason, but some people feel more comfortable doing that at first. Again, you don’t need to lie. Saying you have other plans is sufficient. If she digs around: well what else are you doing? Why can’t you drive me?  Then you will have a pretty clear picture as to what type of friend this is.

Maybe your resentment is that you make dinner every night, but always end up doing the clean up too.  You could just stop doing the clean up, but dirty dishes drive you batty. Time for a heart-to-heart.  You need to negotiate a better situation.  You could tell your spouse you are happy to make dinner, but you really need help with the clean up. If your spouse objects, you have more serious issues to deal with. Studies show women, even when they work outside the home as much as their spouses, take on the brunt of the housework.  If you let this go on, your resentment will build and it can be harmful to the relationship.

It’s important if you are building resentments that you also examine what you might be doing to make other people resent you. Sometimes looking at the other side of equation can give you perspective. Maybe the spouse who won’t do the dishes spends hours doing the lawn, fixing household problems, and walks the dog early in the morning.  You hate doing those things. Therefore, the dishes might be a trade off you can live with.  You have to recognize these possibilities to get a clear picture of whether or not your resentments are justified.