Let’s get one point clear right at the outset. We all have a few skeletons in our closets. So, the fact that you have overcome your addiction and have more than a few secrets from your past life that you’d much rather keep from derailing your progress in recovery isn’t completely unexpected. In fact, it’s rather the norm.

Still, having those long-buried secrets pop into the present is quite unsettling, to say the least. You want to banish them, get them out of your life forever, but it’s not always that simple or easy. What can you do when your addictive past surfaces? Here are some suggestions.

Remain Calm

First of all, don’t panic. There’s no sense going overboard and saying or doing something that will further aggravate the situation or cause you even more distress. And, yes, it’s totally understandable how you would feel a sense of fear about your past coming forward to haunt you. After all your hard work to achieve your current sobriety, just the thought of some of your past bad behavior during the height of your addiction is enough to make you cringe.

Don’t let it overwhelm you.

The key to being able to weather this temporary storm, this influx of clouds from your past, is to remain calm. Do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself in a state of equilibrium – neither getting overly fearful or defensive. Take deep breaths. Go for a long walk. Work out. Talk with your therapist, your 12-step sponsor, your spouse or best friend, even your spiritual advisor.

Secrets are Bound to Come Out

Recognize that there will be times when long-buried secrets may come out. In fact, you can almost count on the fact that they will. While you can’t avoid reality, you can learn how to deal with these painful reminders of your past when they do occur.

Instead of a knee-jerk reaction to the long-buried secret that comes to light, think through how you will react. If you become defensive or try to deny what is obviously true – especially if it’s backed up by verifiable facts, first-person accounts, court documents, newspaper or other articles – you’ll only exacerbate the situation. When others are confronted by blatant distortions of the truth, they want to know more. What could have been handled adroitly and matter-of-factly and gotten out of the way instead becomes another ball of string that keeps unraveling.

You don’t want that. If anything, the quicker you can move beyond this reminder of your addictive past, the sooner you can get back to working your recovery.

In many respects, learning how to deal with secrets from your addictive past is working your recovery. You will have to face what you’ve done to harm others, own up to your responsibility, make amends and learn from your mistakes as you progress through the Twelve Steps. So, better to get a handle on this tough life lesson now rather than later.

Consider the Source

When your addictive past and certain bad behavior you displayed is brought to your attention or that of others whom you care about such as your family members, consider the source. Who is it that’s bringing up those instances of your past words and actions? What possible purpose could this person have for doing so now? Is there some underlying hurt that you’ve caused this person that would result in them wanting to similarly hurt you? In other words, is this person looking for some sort of payback?

Or is the person innocently bringing up events and situations you both were involved in during a time when you were in full-on addiction? Maybe this was one of your drinking or drug-using buddies, or someone you went gambling with. This person may be resentful that you’ve moved on and are no longer abusing substances or engaging in other addictive behavior. Maybe you got off, in the other person’s opinon, scott-free. Maybe he or she got arrested, lost a job, home, family, or suffered some other harmful consequences that somehow is attributed to you. The blame isn’t theirs, it’s yours. That’s how this type of hurtful intention plays out.

Perhaps the individual bringing up how drunk you were, all the nasty or sordid things you did when you were using is actually a family member. Maybe it’s someone you work with who had to pick up the slack when you were too drunk or incapacitated to make it into the job, or covered for you, took on your projects or assignments. In either case, the person feels put upon, like you didn’t take ownership, maybe that you deserve to have your past thrown back in your face.

Why is it important to consider the source? What difference does it make who they are when the result is that your past is what’s being brought to the surface? There’s a huge difference. In fact, considering the source can help inform your decision as to what you can and should do about it.

Priority Ranking

As cold as it may sound, you really need to utilize a priority ranking to sort out the people who are 1) important to you and with whom you want or need to continue to have a relationship with, 2) semi-important and those you’d like to keep at least a quasi-friendly relationship with, or 3) unimportant to you and with whom you can do without a relationship.

Here’s how this plays out.

Your family members, in most instances, will be among the highest-priority individuals. These are the people who know you and care about you the most. Even if there are a lot of very painful memories and situations from the past that you deeply regret, you need your family both for support and encouragement in your recovery and because they are your family and you love them. It won’t be easy dealing with your past that member of this group bring up, but it is something you’ll need to learn how to do.

Close friends will be other candidates to fall into the highest-priority ranking. If you’ve known someone for many years or all your life, chances are that you have a lot in common that you want to preserve. The relationship is worth working through whatever temporary revival of your past addictive behavior brings. Again, it won’t be easy. But you will be able to do it with practice.

In the second-ranking priority are those with whom you’d like to keep at least a quasi-friendly relationship. These are most likely people you work closely with, or are acquaintances that go a little beyond casual strangers. They may be members of your extended family that you don’t see that often but are still on good speaking terms with. They could also be neighbors, parents of your children’s friends, or someone you know from a group you belong to – other than your 12-step group. You won’t need to extend yourself as much with people in this second group, but you will still need to learn how to handle the issue of your past when it comes up in a straight-forward, tactful manner.

In the third group, the people with whom you can really do without, there’s no upside in being abrupt or cruel in your demeanor when your past is brought up. While their intent may be simply to hurt you, it could just as easily be curiosity. It’s amazing how nosy some people can be, especially when it comes to another person’s addiction. Here’s where the Not In My Backyard (NIMBY) attitude goes overboard. They don’t want addition to be that close (not in their backyard), but they can’t help wanting to know all the gossip and details – so they can feel morally superior, better than you, more fortunate, or whatever. Once again, tact is appropriate. How you deal with comments and questions from Mr. or Ms. Nosy will reflect your progress in recovery. Don’t worry. You will get better at being able to handle this.

How to Handle the Three Groups

Naturaly, the toughest group to handle is the one you care about the most. If your family and close friends literally call you on your stuff from the past, it’s very likely an issue you’re going to need to deal with anyway in your recovery.

You’ll need time, counsel, and practice to be able to work through reminders of your addictive past with these individuals. There’s no easy way around it. In fact, if you don’t sort out this, it’s going to keep resurfacing until you do.

Don’t think that you have to figure it all out on your own. You don’t. That’s what your therapist and 12-step sponsor are for. Make use of their counsel and advice, as well as be lifted up by their support and encouragement. They will help you find the right words to say, help you figure out how to take on the work you need to do in order to own up to your responsibility, make amends, and move forward in your recovery.

The best thing you can say in the early stages of your recovery, is that you are sorry for all the harm that you have caused others – especially the ones you love the most. Be honest and straightforward in this declaration. Say it with love. Ask for understanding and support as you work your recovery. If your family members have attended family treatment or therapy, it’ll be a lot easier for all concerned. If not, at least encourage them to attend Al-Anon and Alateen (the family groups associated with Alcoholics Anonymous).

Group two is a little different. You can come up with some fairly standard comments that you can use when well-meaning individuals bring up something about your addictive past. General comments such as:

• “Thank you for your concern. I know you’ve been worried about me and I appreciate your interest in my well-being. I value your friendship and the fact that you support my recovery. But I live in the present now, and wish that you respect my wishes and do not bring up things from the past.”
• To your boss: “I am so grateful that you have been so supportive of my recovery. It really means so much to me and has helped me a great deal during treatment. I have learned a lot and want you to know that I am working my recovery every day, attending meetings, and putting into practice all that I have learned. I am committed to my sobriety.”
• To co-workers: “I’ve been to treatment and learned a lot about how to deal with stresses and triggers. I know you’ve been worried about me, but you don’t need to be concerned any longer. I have a new life now, one that doesn’t include addiction. I appreciate your friendship and support.”

What about group three? You could choose from a number of different statements. Write down what you’d say in particular circumstances and practice saying it aloud in front of a mirror. After a while, what you say will feel and sound more natural than it does at first. Some statements you may consider include:

• “You keep bringing up the past but that’s dead and gone. It has nothing to do with who I am today. That’s all I have to say.”
• “We’ve known each other for some time and you still keep trying to play these games with me. Well, I’m not going to be dragged down to your level. My past is not up for discussion. Period.”
• “My life is different now. I no longer drink (or do drugs) and I choose not to be around people who do. Since you still drink (or do drugs), our lifestyles are no longer compatible. I hope you understand, but if you don’t, it’s not going to change my commitment to sobriety.”
• “I’m wondering if you might not be jealous of my sobriety or maybe you just hate it that I’m happy. Whatever it is, that’s your problem, not mine. I am sorry about that. But I have a new life, and it’s one that I choose.”

Avoid Going to Extremes

One word of caution is appropriate here. When you’re confronted by an individual who’s bent on rubbing your nose in all the bad things you said and did in your addictive past, keep in mind that the measure of the strength of your recovery is how well you keep it together. Avoid going to extremes in your reaction in words or deeds to what this person says to you or about you. Avoid getting into a physical or verbal combat. That serves no useful purpose for you – and only gives satisfaction to the person who wants to see you hurt.

Put it in Perspective

When it’s all said and done – literally – what happened in the past is over and done with. It can’t hurt you today unless you let it. Of course, there are some instances when what you’ve done in the past may come back and necessitate some serious reparations – going to jail, making financial restitution, having your reputation tarnished – the sooner you face it and deal with the ramifications, the better your recovery will be in the long-term.

Keep your life in perspective. Where you were at the height – or depth, as is probably more accurate – of your addiction is not where you are today. You have made a great effort toward working your recovery. You’ve gained strength and self-confidence along the way, as well as restored or built your sense of self-esteem.

Remember those skeletons we all have in our closets? Well, we all have to face them when the closet is opened. Either we face it head-on and without fear, or the terror, guilt and anguish over those old, dead bones will continue to haunt us and nibble away at our happiness. Don’t be that sad and miserable person. Figure out how to be most effective in dealing with your unburied secrets from your addictive past.

Words of wisdom from the Big Book and other recovery experts, paraphrased here, encourage that you live in the present, working your recovery today. Be alive. Be joyful. Be thankful for the gifts you have now. There’s strength in that, a great deal of strength.

When we embark on the path of recovery, the first thing we should do is acknowledge that we have made a very important decision, one that will impact our lives from this day forward. Of course, that path may seem uncertain, especially at first, but that should neither deter us nor give us pause for doubt. We are, after all, human, and therefore are likely to have moments of uncertainty.

This is completely normal, so we should never feel that there is anything wrong with us for having qualms about our ability to persevere in our quest for lasting sobriety.

Beyond that, it is also important to then remind ourselves why we embarked on this journey in the first place. We made the decision to become clean and sober and probably fought a very tough battle to overcome those demons to arrive at this state of sobriety that we presently enjoy. It was a victorious battle against our addiction, and we overcame it because of our determination and because, even though we had no way of knowing what it would be like on the other side, we had some shred of inkling or belief that we would make it through.

And make it through we did. Despite our intermittent doubts and uncertainty, despite a slip here or there, despite others not believing in us, we did it. We can credit our therapist, our 12vStep sponsor and fellow group members who continue to support and encourage us. We can give thanks to our loving spouse and family members who not only stood by us but were unwavering in their encouragement of our efforts, even during those times when we felt like we might just not make it past a rough patch.

That’s how recovery works. It is a supportive and inclusive community of others all helping each other to achieve lasting sobriety. It works because we collectively and individually believe that we can overcome our addiction, that we can accomplish goals that we set out for ourselves, and that we truly do deserve the happiness that has so long eluded us while we remained trapped in our past addictive behaviors.

But where do we find this belief that we can, especially if we’ve never found that we believed much at all in ourselves and what we might be able to accomplish? This is a particularly vexing problem to some, yet not so difficult for others. It certainly does help if we have had a few successes under our belt, if we’ve already achieved certain sobriety milestones, but it doesn’t mean that if we’re new to sobriety and don’t have much, if any, experience in this new-found sobriety that we can’t find some way to believe that we have what it takes for the long run.

In fact, we do. Each day, make it a point to envision some positive development or outcome that we want to achieve. Then, create a plan or a path toward achieving it. Yes, this will take a little thought at first, but it will become second-nature after a while. Once we have a goal in mind, and let’s make it simple and achievable goals to begin with, then we have to get busy and do what it takes to accomplish that goal. Maybe it’s as simple as to go to a 12vStep meeting in another location, to meet some new people and step outside our comfort zone to do so. We are taking a positive step in our recovery journey. We are looking to meet others, to listen to the stories of recovery that they share, and to broaden our horizons little by little so that we can see a life beyond the narrow confines we’ve lived in for some time.

This does not mean that we abandon our home group, not at all. It’s just adding variety and varying the routine to keep it fresh. We may find this practice particularly appealing after we’ve been in recovery for many months and years, after we’ve come to the point in our recovery where we feel like it’s the same old routine. There’s nothing like meeting new people to keep us energized and positive about our sobriety.

Can we talk about adventure in the same sentence as recovery? Before we dismiss this as out of hand, let’s think about the concept for a moment. Why, after all, shouldn’t we have some adventure in our lives? Just because we are in recovery doesn’t mean that we’ve relinquished the right to experience adventure. Far from it, in fact, or at least, it should be the farthest thing from our thoughts.

But the truth is that many of us in recovery, especially during the first few months of sobriety when the going can get really tough, adventure is exactly the most remote thought we have. The only time we might think about adventure is in retrospect, as in those times when we were on an adrenalin high, cruising on drugs or feeling no pain at all on our alcohol buzz.

How sad a situation it would be, however, if we go forward in recovery yet deprive ourselves of adventure, even the thought of it. How can we begin to again experience adventure? That is, adventure of the purely wholesome kind, that kind of adventure that won’t get us into trouble with the addictive behaviors that we’ve left behind?

We start from within. The pathways in our mind are limitless and can absolutely not be walled off – as long as we don’t permit it. We can dream the impossible dream in our minds and craft plans as to how to achieve goals that we deem important to us. In fact, it’s probably through this visualization of a future that we’d like for ourselves that we get motivated to tackle the next hurdle or challenge that comes in our recovery journey. In order to get where we want to go, we have to be able to recognize that the future we say we want is actually worth the effort.

And it so is worth the effort, every challenging minute of it.

What about those thoughts of adventure? Where do we start to find them? How do we summon them up in our minds? For one thing, it helps to have some quiet time set aside, time just for dreaming. This is not an absolute, however, as we can think of adventure almost anywhere or anytime we like. All we really need is the desire to let our minds go there, and to give ourselves permission to do so.

To give ourselves the thumbs-up to dream what adventures we want to enjoy, we have to recognize that we have the right to such enjoyment. It’s called living to our fullest. And just because we’re clean and sober doesn’t mean that there’s no such future allowed for us. Put this front and center in our thoughts right here and now: We deserve to be happy, to experience adventure of the highest magnitude that’s within our capabilities. As long as we pursue our adventures with pureness of intentions, and do no harm to ourselves, others or nature, our adventures are like a gleaming gold path beckoning us on.

If we think we’re not capable of adventure, we should start with something small. What is it that really gives us pleasure – clean and sober-type experiences, mind you – and is something that makes us feel excited just thinking about it? It’s that anticipation, that smiling inside us, that makes us want to go forward with action. Whether the action is skiing with our sober friends or deciding to embark on an impromptu getaway with our spouse or partner, start with what we know we like and go from there.

Adventure isn’t what’s out there. It starts from within. In fact, that’s the only way we know it’s an adventure: We feel it.

Often we may find ourselves thinking that we have so much to do and so little time to do it. Is this the way we wish to spend our days in recovery? Most likely, the answer is no. The question then becomes, however, what can we do about it? How can we deal effectively with all the distractions that come our way, threatening to deter us from our path in recovery?

First, it’s important that we recognize that distractions are the nature of human existence. We are thinking human beings, and each day we will have thousands upon thousands of thoughts. Some of these thoughts are pertinent to our recovery goals, while many are perhaps welcome distractions, keeping us from doing the hard work we know we should be attending to in our sobriety efforts. But, recognizing that we are going to have distractions in the form of thoughts and opportunities to be persuaded to go off and do something else – instead of what we’ve intended – is a priority.

The next point to be made about distractions is that they’re usually temporary. In fact, we may conjure them up simply to be able to endure something that we find painful or that we’re reluctant to undertake. For some, a few distractions now and then are healthy. As long as they assist in us getting over a tough spot, there’s nothing actually wrong with them. The key is not to dwell on the distraction to the point where it completely curtails our recovery efforts. Think of distractions here as a short respite, a little breather, giving us the time and space to then continue on with our recovery efforts.

The ultimate goal, however, is to get past the myriad distractions and get on with the business of our recovery. To that end, it is often helpful to construct a list, an itemized to-do schedule that we can refer to – and get back to doing – when we find ourselves lost in this or that distraction. It is only by overcoming obstacles and getting past time-wasting distractions that we will be able to arrive at our chosen goal or our destination that we’ve set for our day today in recovery.

Take heart in knowing that if we have the will to continue and the desire to continue learning and growing, by taking action in accordance with these goals we will be able to accept and understand that a few distractions here and there may hold the promise of opening yet another door, showing us a new path to follow in our ongoing recovery journey. Look upon each day as discovery. When we do this, distractions won’t seem a time zapper or worthless. We won’t need to berate ourselves for having indulged in them now and then, and if we look at everything that comes our way as an opportunity to learn and grow, we’ll be far better for it.

When we first entered recovery, it may all have seemed quite strange. In fact, it was probably that way for most of us. Frightened, confused, in pain, filled with doubts, we often found that it was all we could do just to make it through the day without resorting back to our addictive ways. So, for many, early recovery equaled struggle.

We were advised to give it time, to keep on doing the hard work of recovery, to keep the faith and to accept and value the support and understanding of our loved ones, sponsor and fellow 12-step group members. And, to be true, over time it did get easier – just like everyone said. That’s not to say that there weren’t bumps in the road. There were those, most assuredly. But somehow, with the love and support of our network, we were able to withstand those tough times and come out on the other side stronger and more self-confident. It isn’t that we had all the answers, but we knew we weren’t alone in our struggle to learn how to overcome our addiction. During this time, recovery may have meant friendship and support to us.

Fast-forward to a little more time in recovery, and what do we think recovery means to us today? The answer to this is that recovery means a lot of different things. It may be one thing to us and completely different for the next person. Some continue to struggle and view recovery as a never-ending challenge, while others have come to see recovery as a gift that they never thought they’d receive, an opportunity to reshape their lives into whatever they want it to be.

There is one thing that is universal, however, and that is that recovery is an ongoing process. Whether we are new to recovery or have been in effective recovery for many years, it’s still a process, a way of life that we will be going through as long as we draw breath. Recovery is a choice that we’ve made, even if we’ve slipped and come back time and time again. There is no one-size-fits-all recovery just as there’s no one type of treatment that works for everyone.

Look at this as a lifelong journey, one that we’ve embarked upon because we’ve made the decision and commitment to do so. Sure, we may experience ups and downs along the way. That’s life, and life’s challenges and opportunities certainly aren’t limited to those of us in recovery. But how we deal with them is unique to our situation. We can choose to embrace recovery or to constantly fight it. Our effectiveness in maintaining our sobriety will be so much more likely if we adopt a proactive and hopeful outlook than if we constantly anticipate the negative.

Sometimes it takes us longer to recognize this than it should. But, ultimately, we do begin to understand the process of recovery.

Bottom line: It isn’t what recovery means that’s important. It’s what recovery means to us. And isn’t that what it’s all about?