Everyone in recovery knows the importance of having a 12-step sponsor. But sometimes things change and you find you no longer are getting what you need from your sponsor. What should you do then? The question really becomes: Can you fire your 12-step sponsor? The answer is, decidedly, yes. But this answer comes with a few caveats. Before you fire your current 12-step sponsor, be sure to consider all the relevant information.

What’s Changed?

There must be some underlying reason why you feel that your 12-step sponsor is no longer meeting your needs. To get at this, try to identify what’s changed – either in your situation or that of your sponsor. If you are stuck in a no-go merry-go-round of not moving forward and not moving backward and your sponsor isn’t offering you the type of support and encouragement that galvanizes you to get off the dime, maybe it’s time for a change.

It may also be that, for some individuals in recovery, they have surpassed the capabilities of their 12-step sponsor and need to find someone more in tune with their current state of recovery. This does not in any way imply that one sponsor is better than another. Such is not the case. But, just like people are unique and possess special talents in some areas, so do sponsors.
At the beginning of your recovery journey, you may have needed constant reassurance and reinforcement that you were on the right track. You may have peppered your sponsor with unending questions about how to do the steps, what to say to friends that show up unannounced and try to get you back into using or how to deal with unreasonable and overpowering urges and cravings that pop up at any given moment. And your sponsor delivered – then. But now, it may very well be that you have quite some time in recovery under your belt and you feel somewhat confident about your ability to handle day-to-day stresses and problems.
Now you may be at a point where your stated goals seem to evoke a sense of disapproval or lack of enthusiasm from your sponsor. It does happen, even though what you say to your sponsor and in group meetings isn’t supposed to be judged. We are all human, after all, and it isn’t always possible to quash our feelings and stop our own world-view from coloring our remarks and facial expressions or body language.

So, before you make any drastic changes by ditching your current 12-step sponsor, first take the time to identify what’s changed in your circumstances that you feel qualifies as a good reason to find a new sponsor.

Figure Out What You Do Need

Once you’ve identified the changes in your life that prompt you to seek a new 12-step sponsor, you’re still not ready to make the change. You need to figure out what it is that you need now in a new sponsor. Do you require someone who’s a little more lenient about reminding you of your responsibilities to yourself and your recovery? Is it the opposite and you find you want someone to really come down on you and call you on your shortcomings? Are your interests and life goals so different now than they were before that you need someone with a more forward-looking outlook to best support and encourage you?

Is your current sponsor too young, older than you – in either case, are you looking for someone closer to your own age or someone a lot older with many more years in recovery?

If you’ve relapsed and returned to 12-step meetings and feel your old sponsor can’t help you any longer, are you confident yet that you know what it is you really need?

It’s quite possible that you need to get additional counseling or therapy – neither of which falls into the purview of your 12-step sponsor. You can’t expect your sponsor to offer the kind of psychiatric or therapeutic counseling and guidance that you’d get professionally. So, before you go making any drastic sponsor changes, if you do need therapy, go and get it. Sometimes, seeking a change isn’t really warranted. It may be more of your own subconscious attempt to sabotage your recovery efforts by ditching what you think you can change – your sponsor – and making it easier on yourself.

If You Still Want to Change

If, after identifying what’s changed in your life and figuring out what you really need, you still want to change your 12-step sponsor, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it.

The wrong way is to just dump your sponsor. That will only lead to hard feelings and unwarranted emotional turmoil for both of you. It may even make it difficult for you both to be in the same meetings. You definitely don’t want that.

The more appropriate way to change sponsors is to be upfront about it. Make an appointment or set aside time for a private conversation with your sponsor and tell him or her that you have something important you wish to discuss. Be sure to practice what you’re going to say before you head into the one-on-one meeting, however, as you don’t want to stammer and appear overly emotional or indecisive. You want your sponsor to see that you’ve carefully thought through your decision and have valid reasons for wanting to change.

Begin your conversation with expressing your gratitude for the immense support and encouragement you’ve received from your sponsor. It always helps to praise someone before you go into what may be either unexpected or unwelcome. In this case, it’s the fact that you want to make a sponsor change. Then, go into the reasons why you feel the change is appropriate at this time. Be sure to say that it doesn’t reflect on the kind of relationship and friendship you share, and you don’t want it to negatively impact either.

Give your remarks a little time to sink in. Generally speaking, when someone wants to change sponsors, it occurs over time and it’s usually not a total surprise to the sponsor. Still, you do want to allow your sponsor to say whatever it is that he or she feels is warranted. Your sponsor may say you’re not ready to make a change or that you’re trying to dodge your responsibilities or that you need this or that. Or, your sponsor may simply accept that you want to make a change and wish you the best.
Whatever the reaction, thank your sponsor for all that he or she has done and say that you will now begin to look for someone who will be your new sponsor. This person may very well be someone from another 12-step group whose meetings you have been regularly attending. It’s probably better if your sponsor is from another group, since that will avoid any potential hurt feelings. But it’s not essential that the new sponsor be outside your current group. Only you will be able to determine what’s best for you. After all, you’re the one who needs the new sponsor.

Give it Some Time

While you shouldn’t go for a long period of time without a new sponsor, do give yourself adequate time to evaluate those individuals whom you feel will be the best candidates for the responsibility. As you know from being in recovery, a sponsor should be someone who’s been in successful recovery for at least a year, if not longer.

There’s another important point about time to keep in mind. Do not make a sponsor change in your first year of recovery, if at all possible. This is in line with 12-step recommendations that you make no major life changes in early recovery – the period of your first year of sobriety. While one could argue that a 12-step sponsor isn’t a major life change, consider how important your sponsor is to you during times of need. Who do you call when you feel you’re in danger of relapse? Who is available to you at all hours or the day or night? Who has pledged to support and encourage you without judgment or criticism in order to help you achieve and maintain your sobriety? That would certainly seem to qualify your sponsor as a person very involved in your current life.

So, assuming it’s after your first year in recovery and you still want to make a change in sponsors, start by looking at potential new sponsors. Do you admire the way they’ve handled their own sobriety? How good is he or she at communication? Is the individual able to take on sponsorship of another 12-step member or is he or she already over-committed?

Let’s say you identify one or more individuals that you’d like to approach about becoming your sponsor. What should you do then? Now, you’re ready for the next step.

Approaching Your Potential New Sponsor

One thing you want to avoid is walking up to an individual you want to be your sponsor on an impromptu basis and saying, “I’d like you to sponsor me. Will you do it?” This kind of out-of-the-blue communication is never welcomed, nor is it warranted. Just as you made an appointment or set aside time to speak with your current (former) 12-step sponsor about making a change, you also need to be just as diligent about finding the right moment to approach your potential new sponsor.

It’s probably best if you develop a relationship with the individual first. This is important so that the person you’re considering can have time to get to know you as more than just a casual acquaintance. Perhaps you already have established a friendship with the individual. If so, he or she may already know that you’ve decided to make a sponsorship change. But even having understood that, knowing someone wants to change sponsors and having that person ask you to sponsor them are two different things. You also need to weigh and balance what this potential sponsor has on his or her plate currently.

Approach the subject in a direct but casual way. You might say, “I’ve been looking for a new sponsor for the past few months and, based on what I’ve seen and know about your own situation and how successful you’ve been in recovery, I’d like to ask you if you would consider becoming my new sponsor?”

Again, allow time for the request to sink in. But be prepared for just about any type of response. What you get back may range from an enthusiastic acceptance to a reluctant one to an outright refusal (stated kindly). If your hoped-for sponsor can’t see his or her way to take you on right now, don’t feel slighted or discouraged in any way. Thank him or her (no matter what the decision) and consider your next steps.

If the individual does agree, now you begin at the beginning. Start with the same types of conversations you’d normally have with your current sponsor: how you’re doing in your recovery efforts, any stresses or tensions you’ve experienced in the past week that have caused you discomfort or threatened relapse, how you’re progressing on your 12 steps, etc.

If you don’t secure this person as a sponsor, reconnoiter and go on to your next candidate. If you don’t have another choice yet, take some time to identify another individual you’d like to be your sponsor and proceed as before.

What Qualities Should You Look For?

Sponsors come with a variety of talents, capabilities, experiences, and skills. Some are excellent communicators and others are more reticent, but equally effective in providing one-on-one support and encouragement. Some are natural leaders while others are more practiced at working in the background, keeping the network working smoothly.

Do you have to like your 12-step sponsor? There’s no rule that says you do, although having an admiration for and liking the individual will certainly go a long way toward your acceptance of what he or she has to say relative to your recovery efforts. This includes when you are making decisions about goals that are or are becoming important in your life. If your 12-step sponsor is someone with whom you share things in common – such as education, religious or political affiliation, similar addiction, beliefs, fears, and so on – it may make communicating a lot easier. You’ll find you have to explain things less to someone who more or less shares your world view. But you don’t have to come from the same type of background to gain value from your relationship with your 12-step sponsor.

Definitely look for an individual who communicates and acts in a respectful, courteous, and helpful manner. Someone with an optimistic outlook who is able to separate the temporary setbacks and challenges from the long-term goals is the kind of individual you want as your 12-step sponsor. You’re not looking for a Pollyanna, but someone with the courage and wisdom to help you as you continue to make the sometimes difficult choices that occur in your recovery.

What if Your Sponsor Relapses?

While there are no statistics on the number of sponsors who themselves relapse, nevertheless the question is valid about what you should do if your new sponsor slips. Obviously, they’ll be back on the road to recovery starting all over again – if they do come back. It’s simply impossible to predict what someone else will do or be capable of doing and when.

What you can do, however, is find another 12-step sponsor. You may be crushed by what’s happened to your sponsor, your friend, but you cannot take it as anything that you have caused. We are only responsible for our own addictions and our own recovery. We do not own that responsibility for another. So, while it may be painful and discouraging, it isn’t your fault that your sponsor slipped.

Look for a new sponsor and continue on your journey of recovery.

Will You Always Need a Sponsor?

Need is not necessarily the operative word here. When you have a 12-step sponsor it’s a little like stages of life. You may go through several during your time in recovery. After a long period of time, your current and former sponsors may seem more like friends than sponsors. And that’s as it should be. After all, you and your sponsors are involved in a lifelong journey of recovery. It’s always good to have friends and allies all along the way. So, will you always need a sponsor may be better stated as will you always have a relationship with your sponsor? The answer depends on you and your particular circumstances, but if it is yes, that’s certainly appropriate.

In any case, when you look back on a long life in recovery, among your most valued friendships and trusted relationships will most likely be the individuals who served as your 12-step sponsors. When you reach the point in your own recovery when you are strong and confident in your capabilities, you may wish to sponsor someone new to recovery who, just like you were at the beginning, are seeking support and encouragement from someone who’s been there and made it.

Sometimes it just has to be done. Usually it’s somewhere around the first year – although it can happen at any time.  Could be as simple as finding someone who just clicks with you, or as complicated as realizing your sponsor is secretly using again.  Whatever the case may be, this can be a very upsetting experience for a newcomer.  Face it: when we first get sober our judgment is a little, shall we say, compromised. Even without alcohol or drugs, most of us just haven’t exercised good judgment in a long time, and that muscle is very weak.  This means our choice in the first month of sobriety might be utterly wrong at six months or a year. And that is perfectly fine.

Problem is, many of us are not good at this sort of thing.  If you are someone who doesn’t want conflict, or hates the idea that someone isn’t going to like you, it can be pretty hard to let your sponsor know you’ve decided to find another one.  It can be really uncomfortable if you love your home group and want to keep going, but really don’t want to have to smile meekly at your ex-sponsor every time you see them there.

First things first.  Why are you in need of a new sponsor?  Look at this honestly. I changed sponsors around my first year anniversary because, well, she was nuts. Sorry. She was. It took about three months to figure it out, and another nine to get the courage to move on. In fact, I just sort of got another “unofficial” sponsor and slowly stopped calling the old one. I was too much of a chicken to tell her, and frankly, she didn’t seem all that concerned about my lack of communication.  Fortunately, I had also found a new home group that I loved and I’d met my sponsor-in-waiting there. My new sponsor was amazing – in her mid 40s with over 20 years of sobriety.  We really related to each other because we both came in at a young age – in those days it wasn’t as common as it is now.  In those days, some people were downright dismissive of young people in the program – as if we hadn’t lived hard enough and should go out and do a little more experimenting to earn our place among the battle weary.

What I’m saying is your motivation should be what will keep you sober – not what will keep you from having to do your fourth step.

So how does one go about doing this? It really varies from person to person, but usually honesty is the best policy.  If you have found someone who has some experience with issues that are very important to you, that’s usually an easy explanation.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been thinking about working on some issues that are really difficult for me, and I’ve found someone who I really relate to on these issues – so I think right now this would be the right match for me as a sponsor. “  Show your gratitude for everything they’ve helped you with – some sponsors might not be surprised at all because they tend to be better with raw newbies and have come to expect this.

Now you are the only one who knows if your current sponsor is going to act all petulant about it. You just have to let it go at some point if that’s the case.  Frankly, if your old sponsor is a jerk about you making a change you believe is best for you, you definitely made the right move. Anyone who holds a resentment about you trying to get what you need to stay sober isn’t the healthiest person to be sponsoring others.

Many sponsors are sort of blase about the whole commitment thing, and you can just sort of start detaching from them. Just make sure you have someone else you can connect with when you do this, so you aren’t stuck if a crisis arises.  Frankly, some people are just more comfortable with this than a direct approach – if it works for you, fine. Just remember, if they still think you are their sponsee and they hear you saying “This is my sponsor” while introducing someone else, they might feel a little bit annoyed to find out that way.

I called this post ‘firing your sponsor’ not because you only change sponsors if someone isn’t very good at it, but because for many people in early sobriety, this act can feel about as uncomfortable as firing someone. It really doesn’t have to be that way!  You can often gracefully move to another sponsor with a few kind words thanking them for how much they have helped you make it through that tough first year.

I remember the first time I went to a meeting with timers. It was in Southern California.  I thought it was pretty funny until I realized people STILL ignored the time limit and continued to talk and talk and talk and talk about their problems, who did what to them, why there were resentful and on and on. I don’t know if they ended up needing these in New York City where I spent my first five years in sobriety, but I can tell you so far I have not seen them used any place other than Southern California. So I asked myself: Is there something about SoCal culture that makes people think they are so interesting that the meeting will just love being devoted to their long gripe about life sober?

I don’t mean to sound sarcastic or snippy about this, but it really shocked me. I always felt that speaking about what’s going on with you is critical – hermit-mode gets us into trouble – but I also know that listening is critical too. If you think the only value of a meeting is to air your dirty laundry, you are only getting a small piece of their value.

Face it. As alcoholics and addicts we thought our problems were bigger than the next guy’s. You’d drink too if you had my life. Sound familiar? One of the great things about 12-step programs is that equalize things – level the playing field, so to speak, by making us acutely aware that we are not the center of the universe and our problems certainly are not unique. We start to hear stories far worse than ours. We start to feel humbled by stories of recovery in which the person overcame horrendous obstacles to get sober and stay sober.

We get, sometimes for the first time in our lives, perspective.

I suppose the kind thing to say would be, some people just need to talk to stay sober, but I wonder if those who talk more and listen less struggle more in sobriety.  What do you think?

Admit it, sometimes we like to just look for things to complain about.  We like to complain about the coffee at a particular meeting, or the fact that so-and-so always talks to0 much, or, one of my pet peeves, no one seemed to care about what I said!  I loved Mr. SponsorPants’ post on this expectation of a pat on the head at meetings and think he said it better than I ever could!

Some people might feel that whatever meeting you go to the point is, you are at a meeting. However, this does not address an issue that comes up time and time again: some people stop going to meetings. Sometimes these people used to go all the time. What makes people stop going to meetings? How can a person keep themselves on track to stay close to meetings in sobriety?

First, there is the obvious reason someone stops going to meetings: they want to drink or use drugs. Chances are they’ll be skipping meetings, although I’ve known a few people over the years who would come to meetings drunk on a regular basis.

But there are other people who get “turned off” (for lack of a better phrase) and feel alienated from meetings.  This is a shame, but if someone is serious about their sobriety they can usually find a meeting that doesn’t turn them off.

Face it. As much as many of us know these rooms saved our skins, there are many more people who fail to stay long enough to get the benefits. It would be dishonest to claim that all meetings are good meetings and that person just wants to drink. I’ve heard this many times, and I think it is a little selfish. It’s basically saying, we can’t improve – there is just something wrong with them.  Life is about growth, and sobriety is certainly about growth. If meetings stagnate or get caught up in petty politics (and personalities) their quality can and does deteriorate.  It’s up to strong believers in the traditions to keep a meeting from getting off course.  One example, one of the ones I’ve seen more than a few times, is a meeting that becomes parochial and closed to new voices and faces. It is utterly ironic, but it happens. I would imagine very few people have not experienced at least one meeting where they felt decidedly unwelcome, cold-shouldered, or snubbed. It’s profoundly disconcerting because it goes against the whole basis for the program.

I recall a meeting where the women were very territorial. I swear they didn’t want any other women in the group. They were catty and hostile. I’m not sure if it was because they were single and thought of it as a dating scene (and didn’t want competition) or if they were just an asocial bunch, but it was very uncomfortable. The only people willing to speak to me were the men in the group. I had never experienced this in any other room. I eventually decided the cold shoulders signified an unhealthy group dynamic and found another meeting for that night of the week.

It’s not the fundamental program that has a problem, it’s the personalities defeating the principles.

Obviously many people are clear-headed and secure enough to just find another meeting. However, I worry about the shaky newcomer who gets that first exposure and it turns them off.

I think it’s a good idea for every group to do a group inventory – very much like the fourth step, but on the meeting (how it’s run, how newcomers are treated, is it degenerating into a pity-fest) and whether or not anything has been done that would mean an amend is appropriate.

Meetings become like microcosms, little neighborhoods of like-minded people – and while these can be incredibly positive and sobriety-affirming, they are made up of human beings and we aren’t always perfect. That means self-reflection and inventory of the group (not pointing fingers, but reflecting on behavior within the group, especially toward others) is a way to keep the group healthy and balanced.