When “Growth” Become Permission to Be a Jerk

Ever meet that person who is so obsessed with changing some aspect of themselves that they have become rigid, protective, and a bit of a jerk?  Yup – I’m sure you’ve met them.  The person who seems on guard and ready to pounce.  An example might be someone trying to no longer be someone who says yes to everyone  – so if you ask them if they could hold the door for a second they fly off the handle: I’m not a DOOR MAN!  Only to be a little embarrassed a few seconds later when they see you were asking them to hold it so you could help someone in a wheelchair get through the door.

This is called overkill

I know I have had areas of “growth” for which I went a little overboard. I was told I was too nice. I let people walk all over me.  I went through about 1 year of being really not-nice and relishing this sort of no-holds-barred-I-can-say-exactly-what-I-think attitude. Needless to say, I didn’t make many friends.

At some point I realized I needed to find a balance. It’s okay to be nice.  I separated out the too-nice (like letting someone take advantage over and over) – but that didn’t mean I didn’t do favors or help someone out, just that I didn’t let someone create a one-sided gravy train where I started to feel like they were going to start cleaning my bones soon.

There are other ways a person can become a jerk under the guise of improving their own behavior. For example, someone who doesn’t usually speak their mind now rants continuously about every little thing that annoys them.  Or someone who was overly generous now is overly stingy.

It’s understandable when learning a new behavior that we might do a little overkill – I mean, that’s the alcoholic personality a lot of the times.

“I’m going to stop being a door mat better than anyone else in the world who ever stopped being a door mat!”

This is why taking inventory on a regular basis is important.  If behavioral change becomes selfish and alienating, I can check myself and readjust.