Loneliness

I have come to believe that alcoholics tend to be lonely people. I can be in a room full of people and still feel utterly alone. This can be disconcerting. It brings up that feeling of “other” that is deadly for alcoholics. You know, terminal uniqueness.

Meetings are a great place to break the feeling of loneliness, and I believe finding that community of like-minded people is critical to recovery. However, I also believe that sometimes the issue is not loneliness so much as an unwillingness to be alone: I don’t want to be with myself and just myself.

That in itself is something I consider a character defect. I have struggled over the years with isolation and loneliness, but I have also struggled with the ability to sit quietly and hear my own thoughts.

I remember some years ago it struck me as I was listening to a neighbor’s incredibly loud music for the umpteenth time in a row, “There’s someone who doesn’t want to hear his own thoughts.”

I think that’s the issue that I try to overcome: sometimes I need to listen to my own thoughts. Sometimes I need to be kind to myself and understand I’m not perfect.  Not wanting to be alone but feeling alone when I’m not alone (confused yet?) are all part of the same pathology. I was raised not to like myself very much.

The risk in this attitude is that I will be too hard on myself and feel like there isn’t much point in improving my character. Why bother if I’m inconsequential?  I think I’ve repeated this theme over and over: balance.  I can’t be overly focused on myself or obsess about my thoughts, but I also can’t be so disconnected that I’m not really aware of who I really am.  I can’t think I am somehow uniquely suffering (wallowing doesn’t work), but I also can’t ignore real feelings and internal conflicts.

It really does all come down to balance.