Life and Death

Today we heard about both Farrah Fawcett losing her long-time battle with cancer and Michael Jackson’s surprising sudden death. They were both far younger than the average age when people die, and it reminds me that life is unpredictable and life can be very short. How much time do we waste because we think we have plenty of breathing room?  Do we put off amends? Do we put off recovery altogether (I’ll get sober after the holidays…)?

Death is inevitable – I just attended my fourth funeral in two years. They seem to crop up on us eventually.  Sometimes it seems as if everyone is dying.  Is everyone really living?  Living is about more than going through your day as if it is a mirror of the day before. I think in recovery it’s important to truly embrace the gift of life – never take it for granted – I did so many things when I was out there that put my life at risk.  So I better be grateful for each day I have now and live each day as fully as possible.

I remember about it was about 10 years into sobriety that I finally said to myself: I don’t want to make decisions out of fear anymore. I want to make decisions based on wanting to get more from life.  In the past I wouldn’t make that phone call or talk to a certain person out of sometimes named, sometimes unnamed fears.  What if they laughed at me? What if they gave me a cold shoulder?  What if I failed? What if I tried that new job and they didn’t like me? Maybe I should stay in this job because at least I know they aren’t going to fire me. It’s safer that way.  That’s the kind of litany of fears that ruled my life.

Being fearless is pretty difficult. It’s normal to have some fears – and frankly, there are some healthy fears (if you aren’t afraid of being hit by a car you might not look before crossing the street). But I’m talking about the fears that paralyze your life and keep you from taking a chance. Fears that keep you in statis rather than change.  If I am choosing something that makes me miserable but its safe because I’m afraid the new thing might not work out, I’m stalling my life.