Hungry, Angry…

Anyone who has been around people in 12 step recovery knows the next two: Lonely, Tired…

I think lonely is particularly important because feeling lonely leads to feeling sorry for yourself and we all know feeling sorry for yourself leads to all sorts of bad ideas.

But loneliness is not necessarily how many people you know or how many friends you have.  You know that feeling when you are in a room full of people, many whom know and love you, but you just feel utterly alone?  Not a good place to be.

I think there are some ways to avoid this trap, but primarily it’s got to be some sort  of personal repudiation of the idea that you are “terminally unique.”  Some people get all bent out of shape with this concept: of course you’re unique. No two people are exactly alike. What makes you unique is not the problem; it’s when you think you are the only person in the world who feels something in particular – the ONLY one who ever had this much psychic pain (blah blah blah) – that “terminal” uniqueness is, well, dangerous.

Clinging to the belief that your pain is unique isn’t helpful. It doesn’t ease the pain. It doesn’t fix the problems that might be causing the pain.  It’s self-indulgent if anything.  And when you believe you are the only one – it’s only natural to feel lonely.

Connecting with other people and hearing that your story is not all that unique does not take away from your very real issues and struggles – it just reminds you that you are part of the human race, and just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village of sober people to help you stay sober.