Everyone Needs Someone Who Tells Them Like It Is

One of the good things about recovery is you can ask someone to do this: a sponsor. I’ve been lucky enough to have a couple of friends who don’t feel shy about telling me like it is.  Early in sobriety any sort of  feedback was instantly and viscerally registered as a dire threat to my very being.  Oh so dramatically my body would react – my heartrate sped up, my hands clenched – huge shame and even terror.  They’ve found me out!

I remember making a new friend in my first few years of sobriety. She was not a recovering person herself- just someone at work that I felt a kinship with.  She was also someone who never talked behind your back. She didn’t have to, because she told you when she was upset with you right to your face. I had to admire her. I was a life-long coward when it came to confrontation.  I always preferred stewing and private righteous indignation.

After a while I noticed her comments or “feedback” didn’t bother me so much. I actually listened to it. I knew she cared about me and it wasn’t just a personal attack.  I will always cherish that friendship. Even after leaving NYC – now 15 years later – we still talk on the phone on a regular basis.  I know she will never lie to me. I know she will never let me get away with bs. She is utterly honest.

Now, a lot of people couldn’t take her. She made some enemies. Face it: most people don’t like honesty. We would often rather not know we have done something annoying/stupid/bothersome.

I am going to recount a particular scene where this fact played out in a group.  One day at work I wasn’t feeling up to going out to lunch. My friend brought me back some soup, which I heated up in a pan.  I settled down to eat my soup.  She showed up at my office door with the dirty pan and said, “I ought to shove this pan up you $&#(#$. ”

A bunch of other people heard and gasped in horror, ready for the ensuing fight. I burst into laughter. She was absolutely right.  And I said so: You’re right! I’m sorry. I took the pan from her and washed it so she could make her soup.

Quite a few people whispered about this – how could I let her speak to me that way?  What way? I questioned. She did a very nice thing of bringing me back this soup, and I repaid her by leaving her my dirty pan so she would have to wash it to heat her soup.

I guess at that point we were such good friends that she rarely made me angry – I got her. I accepted her. And I loved her honesty.  I also recognized at that moment that I was becoming someone else. I was no longer the terrified child trembling in the corner at the least criticism. Growth!  Woo hoo!

It might sound small (and some might even think – yea, why DID you let her talk to you that way?), but it was a profound revelation at the time: I no longer felt like a victim. Because of that, I have been able to develop many deep and truly powerful friendships with people who tell it like it is. I feel lucky to have people who care about me that much in my life.