Blame Games

I think one of the hardest things in early sobriety is learning how to accept responsibility for what happens in your life. When you’re out there drinking, there is plenty of blame to go around. Most common excuses for why we drank the way we drank?

I wouldn’t drink so much if…

…my wife/husband were a better wife/husband

…my job wasn’t so awful

…my boss treated me better

…my wife/husband/significant other understood me better

…my parents hadn’t done this/that to me

…I had less stress in my life

…so and so wasn’t doing this and that

The first obstacle to taking responsibility is no longer wallowing in shame. I think a lot of times that feeling of overwhelming shame is healthy (reminds us we aren’t doing the right thing), other times it can be just one more way to feel worthless – and if you’re really worthless you may as well drink because, well, who really cares if I live or die…

Don’t let anyone ever tell you alcoholics don’t know how to create drama!

The problem with blaming other people is that it puts the responsibility for how you act and feel on someone else’s behavior – that’s just a losing game. You can’t control other people.  Sure, sometimes people do really lousy things that hurt you, but if they aren’t willing to deal with it you certainly aren’t going to change them.

In the end, blame is really only useful when the involved parties are willing to admit their faults and work through the problem. You can lie in the street arguing with the guy who just ran you over that he should have looked, and he can argue that you darted out so quickly he couldn’t stop in time, but no matter who wins the argument, you are still injured and you are still going to have to do all the things necessary to take care of yourself and heal.