Giving it All Up for Love, and What That Means in Recovery by Guest Writer Suzanne K

There’s no question that being in recovery is a continually evolving process. For some, it’s a journey of discovery, or rediscovery, while for others, recovery is a daily struggle just to get by. Two major linchpins of a successful recovery are having a stable and supportive family and stable employment. Here, we’re concerned with the impact of a nurturing and loving family on the individual in recovery. Specifically, we’ll look at giving it all up for love – and what that means in recovery.

Who Gives Up What?

First, you may wonder what we mean by giving it all up for love. Who gives up what, anyway? Isn’t it enough that you have to give up forever drinking, doing drugs, or engaging in other addictive behaviors (such as compulsive gambling, sex, work, spending, or eating)? What does that have to do with love? And, what more can anyone ask of you?

Let’s be clear about something. You entered treatment for addiction (or somehow made it through on your own through attending 12-step group meetings, self-education, and other self-help practices) as a matter of choice. You chose to overcome your addiction and did whatever it took to get to the point of being in recovery. From this perspective, you weren’t giving up as much as you were – and are – choosing a different lifestyle and new, healthier behaviors.

It’s a little like looking at life as a glass half full vs. half empty. Both have elements on either end of the equation, but the half-full view is one of optimism and promise, while the half-empty perspective is negative and stagnant.

So, stop thinking about what you’re no longer going to be able to do and start looking at all the things you now will be able to do. That’s the basis for your continued recovery and a solid foundation upon which to build.

What’s Love Got to Do with It?

Besides being a terrific song from Motown great, Tina Turner, asking the question, “What’s love got to do with it” involves a little more than just a catchy phrase. Love is a powerful emotion, a kind of glue that keeps families and personal relationships attached during good times and bad. Addiction treatment experts say that recovery is strengthened by the presence of a strong and supportive family, while the lack of family to support the recovering individual is often a predictor of relapse.

When you have a supportive spouse or partner, children, siblings, or other close family members, you have a leg up on others who are trying to make sense of the daily stresses and challenges of life in recovery. Naturally, you don’t want to take this kind of support for granted. So, it’s up to you to let your family members know how much you appreciate their ongoing love and support.

This is sometimes tough for the recovering individual to do. It’s hard to speak your emotions when you’re all bottled up inside, trying to figure out how to combat cravings and urges, avoid the triggers that may cause relapse, practicing coping mechanisms, and getting through the day with a positive outcome.

It doesn’t have to be eloquent or elaborate. Simple declarations of thanks will do for now. The point is that you express gratitude to your family members for sticking by you and being there to listen and understand what you’re going through.
It’s also important that you acknowledge what your family members are giving up for you in love as well. This may include financial sacrifice, a change in standard of living, loss of social relationships (on a temporary basis), having to go to work or change jobs, less free time for family pursuits, more time for counseling and various forms of therapy, and learning how to communicate and live with a loved one (you) who’s in recovery.

How to Express Love

Just exactly how do you express your love for your spouse or partner and other family members who’ve done so much to help you in your recovery? Maybe giving it all up for love in this instance means that you sacrifice a bit of your time that you’d spend in other pursuits (but not your therapy, or attendance a 12-step meetings) and instead devote that time to doing something special for them.

Take your spouse or partner out for a special dinner date, just the two of you. Do something as a family, such as going to the local state park or beach for a picnic or to an amusement park for a day of fun. If funds are tight (and they often are in recovery), plan a day hike in a forest preserve or state park or nearby park hiking trails. Bring along snacks and plenty of water and enjoy being out in nature with your family.

Ask your family members what they’d like to do in the evening or on weekends when schedules permit. Play board games, such as Scrabble, Chess, Backgammon, Clue, Monopoly, and Trivial Pursuit. Have a cooking night where everyone pitches in for a theme meal. Gather around and watch a good family movie on TV or rent a family-appropriate DVD.

If you have a creative bent, design a card and put your words in verse. Everyone likes something that’s made just for them, adults and children included. You don’t have to be a talented artist to do this, either. Remember, it’s the thought that counts. Your family members will recognize that you’re doing this out of love and will appreciate the effort even more.

Sometimes Giving it All Up for Love Means Leaving

There are other times in recovery when to give it all up for love means that you need to leave the ones you love. This may only be a temporary situation. Your family may need time and space to be able to accept you back into the home following your return from addiction treatment. On the other hand, it may be permanent in some circumstances where the relationships have been so damaged by your addiction that coming home is out of the question.

Every person’s situation is different in recovery, just as every person’s addiction treatment program is unique. What may be true for someone in a similar circumstance may not be appropriate for you. Sometimes, due to a myriad of contributing factors (bankruptcy, loss of the home, history of physical or other abuse of family members, and so on), family members are able to come together again – and sometimes they are not.

Only you know what your personal circumstances are. If you no longer have the benefit of a family environment to come home to, giving it all up for love means that you make the decision to stay away and allow your family members to go on and live their lives without you. No, this won’t ever be an easy decision to make. Obviously, if you could do it any other way without hurting them, you would do it. Love isn’t always predictable, nor a one-size-fits-all proposition.

The best you can hope for, if you know you need to allow your family to go on without you, is that one day things will change. At some point in the future, your spouse or partner, or children or siblings, may seek you out and ask you to be a part of their lives again. But this isn’t something that you should actively pursue. Even though you’ll need to make amends, you can’t force your words on your loved ones when to do so will cause them distress or harm. That’s not love. It’s selfishness. Giving it all up for love means that you accept your responsibility for your actions – and the consequence of losing your family – and move forward in your recovery by making use of other support networks available to you.

Substitute Healthy Behaviors

Going back to the glass half-full vs. glass half-empty example, giving it all up for love also means substituting healthy behaviors for those that are no longer acceptable to you in recovery. Take stress-relief activities, for example. Whereas you used to go hang out with your buddies at the bar or play mah-jongg with the girls and belt down toddies all night, now the more appropriate way to blow off steam may be going to the gym, taking a brisk walk, enrolling in a dance or exercise class, taking up yoga or meditation, or doing deep breathing techniques.

Boredom is something you especially need to guard against in recovery, since idle hours can bring up thoughts of returning to the people, places, and things that may cause you to relapse. Particular hours of the day or days of the week are other red flags to be on the lookout for. You need to work out healthy ways to deal with triggers such as these. You may find that talking it over with your loved ones, especially your spouse or partner, will result in many different solutions that you can try.

One way to substitute a healthy behavior is to get involved in a hobby or recreational pursuit with your spouse or partner. Doing something together – such as gardening, working on carpentry or taking a cooking class, learning how to cross-country or downhill ski, skydiving, snowmobiling, and so on – will bring both of you closer and make your life more fulfilling at the same time.

If your partner or spouse has a particular interest in something, ask if you can be part of that activity. While this may initially be regarded with skepticism or uncertainty, it may help if you say that you want to spend more time getting back in touch with your loved one, and since he or she loves doing this activity, you’re hoping he or she will permit you to be part of it. If the answer is no, find something else that the two of you can do together that you both find enjoyable. Remember, however, that the longer the relationship has been under a strain due to your addiction, the longer it may take for your spouse or partner to feel comfortable having you in such close personal space. Again, do and say everything in love, and be patient. Things are bound to change the stronger you become in your recovery.

Learn to Love You

A big challenge to many in recovery, especially early recovery, is learning that they are worthwhile individuals, that they are both loving and loveable. Of course, to get to this point, the recovering individual needs to learn how to love him or herself first. After months or even years of abuse and/or dependence on substances or addictive behaviors (or both), it often takes a lot of in-depth counseling and reiterating personal mantras of self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem. In other words, it takes a lot of practice beyond just hearing words from a therapist.

How do you learn to love you – when you feel the real you isn’t worthy of love? Keep in mind that you didn’t choose to become an addict – but you did choose to overcome your addiction. Your addiction doesn’t define you. While you will always be an addict, your life can and will be what you choose to make it. When you were born, you were an innocent, free of blame or guilt or shame or remorse. In fact, newborn infants, once their basic needs for shelter, food, and love are met, are generally full of joy. Your life in recovery can be considered that of the newborn infant. You are new to recovery and therefore new to all the joys and love that life can offer. You are both loveable and loving.

Instill this in your mind. It doesn’t matter what you did in your addictive past. It only matters what you do from this day forward. If you’ve had a slip, but learned something from it, you have not made a mistake. You have made progress. You don’t need to start over. Just keep moving forward from where you are right now. And do so with love – love for you and love for those you care about and who care for you.

Make Small Changes Over Time

Many in early recovery try to do too much too soon. While it’s great to make plans and continue to add goals, you may become frustrated and disappointed if you try to jump too far ahead in your schedule. Your first few months of recovery are the most critical. It’s during this time that you should stick to a few basic things that you do regularly, like eat well-balanced meals, get adequate sleep, limit your social engagements, attend 12-step meetings and counseling or family therapy sessions, and take care of you. There will be plenty of time to add more items to your daily and/or weekly agenda when you are more practiced in your recovery efforts.

It’s also wise to space out your changes that you decide to make in your life so that you are acting out of love, not impulse. In some 12-step meetings, there are recommendations that you make no major life changes during the first year. Sometimes you have to make major changes, not having a choice in the matter. Your spouse or partner may leave you, or ask you to leave, or you may lose your job or become seriously ill. But, if you do have a choice, try not to incorporate any major life changes for the better part of the first year of your recovery.

Be Patient

Another trait to develop is patience. It takes many months of recovery to begin to feel at home with your new coping skills and comfortable practicing your recovery strategies. You may need this time to learn how to communicate better with your loved ones, and to rebuild your relationships. Don’t be upset with yourself if you occasionally say the wrong thing, or become frustrated that things are still difficult. If you act out of love – for you and for others – your recovery efforts will pay off in time.

You will get stronger, more self-confident, and more able to handle the stresses, challenges, and opportunities that occur in daily life. Ultimately, when you give it all up for love, you will become better able to find the joy in your new life in recovery.