Talking Less – Listening More

I remember the first time I went to a meeting with timers. It was in Southern California.  I thought it was pretty funny until I realized people STILL ignored the time limit and continued to talk and talk and talk and talk about their problems, who did what to them, why there were resentful and on and on. I don’t know if they ended up needing these in New York City where I spent my first five years in sobriety, but I can tell you so far I have not seen them used any place other than Southern California. So I asked myself: Is there something about SoCal culture that makes people think they are so interesting that the meeting will just love being devoted to their long gripe about life sober?

I don’t mean to sound sarcastic or snippy about this, but it really shocked me. I always felt that speaking about what’s going on with you is critical – hermit-mode gets us into trouble – but I also know that listening is critical too. If you think the only value of a meeting is to air your dirty laundry, you are only getting a small piece of their value.

Face it. As alcoholics and addicts we thought our problems were bigger than the next guy’s. You’d drink too if you had my life. Sound familiar? One of the great things about 12-step programs is that equalize things – level the playing field, so to speak, by making us acutely aware that we are not the center of the universe and our problems certainly are not unique. We start to hear stories far worse than ours. We start to feel humbled by stories of recovery in which the person overcame horrendous obstacles to get sober and stay sober.

We get, sometimes for the first time in our lives, perspective.

I suppose the kind thing to say would be, some people just need to talk to stay sober, but I wonder if those who talk more and listen less struggle more in sobriety.  What do you think?