Firing Your Sponsor (Gulp)

Sometimes it just has to be done. Usually it’s somewhere around the first year – although it can happen at any time.  Could be as simple as finding someone who just clicks with you, or as complicated as realizing your sponsor is secretly using again.  Whatever the case may be, this can be a very upsetting experience for a newcomer.  Face it: when we first get sober our judgment is a little, shall we say, compromised. Even without alcohol or drugs, most of us just haven’t exercised good judgment in a long time, and that muscle is very weak.  This means our choice in the first month of sobriety might be utterly wrong at six months or a year. And that is perfectly fine.

Problem is, many of us are not good at this sort of thing.  If you are someone who doesn’t want conflict, or hates the idea that someone isn’t going to like you, it can be pretty hard to let your sponsor know you’ve decided to find another one.  It can be really uncomfortable if you love your home group and want to keep going, but really don’t want to have to smile meekly at your ex-sponsor every time you see them there.

First things first.  Why are you in need of a new sponsor?  Look at this honestly. I changed sponsors around my first year anniversary because, well, she was nuts. Sorry. She was. It took about three months to figure it out, and another nine to get the courage to move on. In fact, I just sort of got another “unofficial” sponsor and slowly stopped calling the old one. I was too much of a chicken to tell her, and frankly, she didn’t seem all that concerned about my lack of communication.  Fortunately, I had also found a new home group that I loved and I’d met my sponsor-in-waiting there. My new sponsor was amazing – in her mid 40s with over 20 years of sobriety.  We really related to each other because we both came in at a young age – in those days it wasn’t as common as it is now.  In those days, some people were downright dismissive of young people in the program – as if we hadn’t lived hard enough and should go out and do a little more experimenting to earn our place among the battle weary.

What I’m saying is your motivation should be what will keep you sober – not what will keep you from having to do your fourth step.

So how does one go about doing this? It really varies from person to person, but usually honesty is the best policy.  If you have found someone who has some experience with issues that are very important to you, that’s usually an easy explanation.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been thinking about working on some issues that are really difficult for me, and I’ve found someone who I really relate to on these issues – so I think right now this would be the right match for me as a sponsor. “  Show your gratitude for everything they’ve helped you with – some sponsors might not be surprised at all because they tend to be better with raw newbies and have come to expect this.

Now you are the only one who knows if your current sponsor is going to act all petulant about it. You just have to let it go at some point if that’s the case.  Frankly, if your old sponsor is a jerk about you making a change you believe is best for you, you definitely made the right move. Anyone who holds a resentment about you trying to get what you need to stay sober isn’t the healthiest person to be sponsoring others.

Many sponsors are sort of blase about the whole commitment thing, and you can just sort of start detaching from them. Just make sure you have someone else you can connect with when you do this, so you aren’t stuck if a crisis arises.  Frankly, some people are just more comfortable with this than a direct approach – if it works for you, fine. Just remember, if they still think you are their sponsee and they hear you saying “This is my sponsor” while introducing someone else, they might feel a little bit annoyed to find out that way.

I called this post ‘firing your sponsor’ not because you only change sponsors if someone isn’t very good at it, but because for many people in early sobriety, this act can feel about as uncomfortable as firing someone. It really doesn’t have to be that way!  You can often gracefully move to another sponsor with a few kind words thanking them for how much they have helped you make it through that tough first year.