Can You Fire Your 12-Step Sponsor? by Guest Writer Suzanne K

Everyone in recovery knows the importance of having a 12-step sponsor. But sometimes things change and you find you no longer are getting what you need from your sponsor. What should you do then? The question really becomes: Can you fire your 12-step sponsor? The answer is, decidedly, yes. But this answer comes with a few caveats. Before you fire your current 12-step sponsor, be sure to consider all the relevant information.

What’s Changed?

There must be some underlying reason why you feel that your 12-step sponsor is no longer meeting your needs. To get at this, try to identify what’s changed – either in your situation or that of your sponsor. If you are stuck in a no-go merry-go-round of not moving forward and not moving backward and your sponsor isn’t offering you the type of support and encouragement that galvanizes you to get off the dime, maybe it’s time for a change.

It may also be that, for some individuals in recovery, they have surpassed the capabilities of their 12-step sponsor and need to find someone more in tune with their current state of recovery. This does not in any way imply that one sponsor is better than another. Such is not the case. But, just like people are unique and possess special talents in some areas, so do sponsors.
At the beginning of your recovery journey, you may have needed constant reassurance and reinforcement that you were on the right track. You may have peppered your sponsor with unending questions about how to do the steps, what to say to friends that show up unannounced and try to get you back into using or how to deal with unreasonable and overpowering urges and cravings that pop up at any given moment. And your sponsor delivered – then. But now, it may very well be that you have quite some time in recovery under your belt and you feel somewhat confident about your ability to handle day-to-day stresses and problems.
Now you may be at a point where your stated goals seem to evoke a sense of disapproval or lack of enthusiasm from your sponsor. It does happen, even though what you say to your sponsor and in group meetings isn’t supposed to be judged. We are all human, after all, and it isn’t always possible to quash our feelings and stop our own world-view from coloring our remarks and facial expressions or body language.

So, before you make any drastic changes by ditching your current 12-step sponsor, first take the time to identify what’s changed in your circumstances that you feel qualifies as a good reason to find a new sponsor.

Figure Out What You Do Need

Once you’ve identified the changes in your life that prompt you to seek a new 12-step sponsor, you’re still not ready to make the change. You need to figure out what it is that you need now in a new sponsor. Do you require someone who’s a little more lenient about reminding you of your responsibilities to yourself and your recovery? Is it the opposite and you find you want someone to really come down on you and call you on your shortcomings? Are your interests and life goals so different now than they were before that you need someone with a more forward-looking outlook to best support and encourage you?

Is your current sponsor too young, older than you – in either case, are you looking for someone closer to your own age or someone a lot older with many more years in recovery?

If you’ve relapsed and returned to 12-step meetings and feel your old sponsor can’t help you any longer, are you confident yet that you know what it is you really need?

It’s quite possible that you need to get additional counseling or therapy – neither of which falls into the purview of your 12-step sponsor. You can’t expect your sponsor to offer the kind of psychiatric or therapeutic counseling and guidance that you’d get professionally. So, before you go making any drastic sponsor changes, if you do need therapy, go and get it. Sometimes, seeking a change isn’t really warranted. It may be more of your own subconscious attempt to sabotage your recovery efforts by ditching what you think you can change – your sponsor – and making it easier on yourself.

If You Still Want to Change

If, after identifying what’s changed in your life and figuring out what you really need, you still want to change your 12-step sponsor, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it.

The wrong way is to just dump your sponsor. That will only lead to hard feelings and unwarranted emotional turmoil for both of you. It may even make it difficult for you both to be in the same meetings. You definitely don’t want that.

The more appropriate way to change sponsors is to be upfront about it. Make an appointment or set aside time for a private conversation with your sponsor and tell him or her that you have something important you wish to discuss. Be sure to practice what you’re going to say before you head into the one-on-one meeting, however, as you don’t want to stammer and appear overly emotional or indecisive. You want your sponsor to see that you’ve carefully thought through your decision and have valid reasons for wanting to change.

Begin your conversation with expressing your gratitude for the immense support and encouragement you’ve received from your sponsor. It always helps to praise someone before you go into what may be either unexpected or unwelcome. In this case, it’s the fact that you want to make a sponsor change. Then, go into the reasons why you feel the change is appropriate at this time. Be sure to say that it doesn’t reflect on the kind of relationship and friendship you share, and you don’t want it to negatively impact either.

Give your remarks a little time to sink in. Generally speaking, when someone wants to change sponsors, it occurs over time and it’s usually not a total surprise to the sponsor. Still, you do want to allow your sponsor to say whatever it is that he or she feels is warranted. Your sponsor may say you’re not ready to make a change or that you’re trying to dodge your responsibilities or that you need this or that. Or, your sponsor may simply accept that you want to make a change and wish you the best.
Whatever the reaction, thank your sponsor for all that he or she has done and say that you will now begin to look for someone who will be your new sponsor. This person may very well be someone from another 12-step group whose meetings you have been regularly attending. It’s probably better if your sponsor is from another group, since that will avoid any potential hurt feelings. But it’s not essential that the new sponsor be outside your current group. Only you will be able to determine what’s best for you. After all, you’re the one who needs the new sponsor.

Give it Some Time

While you shouldn’t go for a long period of time without a new sponsor, do give yourself adequate time to evaluate those individuals whom you feel will be the best candidates for the responsibility. As you know from being in recovery, a sponsor should be someone who’s been in successful recovery for at least a year, if not longer.

There’s another important point about time to keep in mind. Do not make a sponsor change in your first year of recovery, if at all possible. This is in line with 12-step recommendations that you make no major life changes in early recovery – the period of your first year of sobriety. While one could argue that a 12-step sponsor isn’t a major life change, consider how important your sponsor is to you during times of need. Who do you call when you feel you’re in danger of relapse? Who is available to you at all hours or the day or night? Who has pledged to support and encourage you without judgment or criticism in order to help you achieve and maintain your sobriety? That would certainly seem to qualify your sponsor as a person very involved in your current life.

So, assuming it’s after your first year in recovery and you still want to make a change in sponsors, start by looking at potential new sponsors. Do you admire the way they’ve handled their own sobriety? How good is he or she at communication? Is the individual able to take on sponsorship of another 12-step member or is he or she already over-committed?

Let’s say you identify one or more individuals that you’d like to approach about becoming your sponsor. What should you do then? Now, you’re ready for the next step.

Approaching Your Potential New Sponsor

One thing you want to avoid is walking up to an individual you want to be your sponsor on an impromptu basis and saying, “I’d like you to sponsor me. Will you do it?” This kind of out-of-the-blue communication is never welcomed, nor is it warranted. Just as you made an appointment or set aside time to speak with your current (former) 12-step sponsor about making a change, you also need to be just as diligent about finding the right moment to approach your potential new sponsor.

It’s probably best if you develop a relationship with the individual first. This is important so that the person you’re considering can have time to get to know you as more than just a casual acquaintance. Perhaps you already have established a friendship with the individual. If so, he or she may already know that you’ve decided to make a sponsorship change. But even having understood that, knowing someone wants to change sponsors and having that person ask you to sponsor them are two different things. You also need to weigh and balance what this potential sponsor has on his or her plate currently.

Approach the subject in a direct but casual way. You might say, “I’ve been looking for a new sponsor for the past few months and, based on what I’ve seen and know about your own situation and how successful you’ve been in recovery, I’d like to ask you if you would consider becoming my new sponsor?”

Again, allow time for the request to sink in. But be prepared for just about any type of response. What you get back may range from an enthusiastic acceptance to a reluctant one to an outright refusal (stated kindly). If your hoped-for sponsor can’t see his or her way to take you on right now, don’t feel slighted or discouraged in any way. Thank him or her (no matter what the decision) and consider your next steps.

If the individual does agree, now you begin at the beginning. Start with the same types of conversations you’d normally have with your current sponsor: how you’re doing in your recovery efforts, any stresses or tensions you’ve experienced in the past week that have caused you discomfort or threatened relapse, how you’re progressing on your 12 steps, etc.

If you don’t secure this person as a sponsor, reconnoiter and go on to your next candidate. If you don’t have another choice yet, take some time to identify another individual you’d like to be your sponsor and proceed as before.

What Qualities Should You Look For?

Sponsors come with a variety of talents, capabilities, experiences, and skills. Some are excellent communicators and others are more reticent, but equally effective in providing one-on-one support and encouragement. Some are natural leaders while others are more practiced at working in the background, keeping the network working smoothly.

Do you have to like your 12-step sponsor? There’s no rule that says you do, although having an admiration for and liking the individual will certainly go a long way toward your acceptance of what he or she has to say relative to your recovery efforts. This includes when you are making decisions about goals that are or are becoming important in your life. If your 12-step sponsor is someone with whom you share things in common – such as education, religious or political affiliation, similar addiction, beliefs, fears, and so on – it may make communicating a lot easier. You’ll find you have to explain things less to someone who more or less shares your world view. But you don’t have to come from the same type of background to gain value from your relationship with your 12-step sponsor.

Definitely look for an individual who communicates and acts in a respectful, courteous, and helpful manner. Someone with an optimistic outlook who is able to separate the temporary setbacks and challenges from the long-term goals is the kind of individual you want as your 12-step sponsor. You’re not looking for a Pollyanna, but someone with the courage and wisdom to help you as you continue to make the sometimes difficult choices that occur in your recovery.

What if Your Sponsor Relapses?

While there are no statistics on the number of sponsors who themselves relapse, nevertheless the question is valid about what you should do if your new sponsor slips. Obviously, they’ll be back on the road to recovery starting all over again – if they do come back. It’s simply impossible to predict what someone else will do or be capable of doing and when.

What you can do, however, is find another 12-step sponsor. You may be crushed by what’s happened to your sponsor, your friend, but you cannot take it as anything that you have caused. We are only responsible for our own addictions and our own recovery. We do not own that responsibility for another. So, while it may be painful and discouraging, it isn’t your fault that your sponsor slipped.

Look for a new sponsor and continue on your journey of recovery.

Will You Always Need a Sponsor?

Need is not necessarily the operative word here. When you have a 12-step sponsor it’s a little like stages of life. You may go through several during your time in recovery. After a long period of time, your current and former sponsors may seem more like friends than sponsors. And that’s as it should be. After all, you and your sponsors are involved in a lifelong journey of recovery. It’s always good to have friends and allies all along the way. So, will you always need a sponsor may be better stated as will you always have a relationship with your sponsor? The answer depends on you and your particular circumstances, but if it is yes, that’s certainly appropriate.

In any case, when you look back on a long life in recovery, among your most valued friendships and trusted relationships will most likely be the individuals who served as your 12-step sponsors. When you reach the point in your own recovery when you are strong and confident in your capabilities, you may wish to sponsor someone new to recovery who, just like you were at the beginning, are seeking support and encouragement from someone who’s been there and made it.