Are All Meetings Created Equal?

Some people might feel that whatever meeting you go to the point is, you are at a meeting. However, this does not address an issue that comes up time and time again: some people stop going to meetings. Sometimes these people used to go all the time. What makes people stop going to meetings? How can a person keep themselves on track to stay close to meetings in sobriety?

First, there is the obvious reason someone stops going to meetings: they want to drink or use drugs. Chances are they’ll be skipping meetings, although I’ve known a few people over the years who would come to meetings drunk on a regular basis.

But there are other people who get “turned off” (for lack of a better phrase) and feel alienated from meetings.  This is a shame, but if someone is serious about their sobriety they can usually find a meeting that doesn’t turn them off.

Face it. As much as many of us know these rooms saved our skins, there are many more people who fail to stay long enough to get the benefits. It would be dishonest to claim that all meetings are good meetings and that person just wants to drink. I’ve heard this many times, and I think it is a little selfish. It’s basically saying, we can’t improve – there is just something wrong with them.  Life is about growth, and sobriety is certainly about growth. If meetings stagnate or get caught up in petty politics (and personalities) their quality can and does deteriorate.  It’s up to strong believers in the traditions to keep a meeting from getting off course.  One example, one of the ones I’ve seen more than a few times, is a meeting that becomes parochial and closed to new voices and faces. It is utterly ironic, but it happens. I would imagine very few people have not experienced at least one meeting where they felt decidedly unwelcome, cold-shouldered, or snubbed. It’s profoundly disconcerting because it goes against the whole basis for the program.

I recall a meeting where the women were very territorial. I swear they didn’t want any other women in the group. They were catty and hostile. I’m not sure if it was because they were single and thought of it as a dating scene (and didn’t want competition) or if they were just an asocial bunch, but it was very uncomfortable. The only people willing to speak to me were the men in the group. I had never experienced this in any other room. I eventually decided the cold shoulders signified an unhealthy group dynamic and found another meeting for that night of the week.

It’s not the fundamental program that has a problem, it’s the personalities defeating the principles.

Obviously many people are clear-headed and secure enough to just find another meeting. However, I worry about the shaky newcomer who gets that first exposure and it turns them off.

I think it’s a good idea for every group to do a group inventory – very much like the fourth step, but on the meeting (how it’s run, how newcomers are treated, is it degenerating into a pity-fest) and whether or not anything has been done that would mean an amend is appropriate.

Meetings become like microcosms, little neighborhoods of like-minded people – and while these can be incredibly positive and sobriety-affirming, they are made up of human beings and we aren’t always perfect. That means self-reflection and inventory of the group (not pointing fingers, but reflecting on behavior within the group, especially toward others) is a way to keep the group healthy and balanced.